Liar Liar Page #4

Nothing ! Because if l take

you to court, it'll drain

eight hours out of my life,

and you won't show up,

and if l got the judgement,

you'd just stiff me anyway !

So l'm gonna piss and moan

like an impotent jerk...

and then bend over and

take it up the tailpipe !

You been here before,

haven't ya ?

Well, l can't remember

when l've had more fun,

but if you'll excuse me,

l have a class.

Are you marrying this guy

because you're mad at me ?

No, l divorced you

because l was mad at you.

- Wait. l want to talk about this !

- What do you want to say ?

ls this guy right for you ?

He is so... not me !

- That's one of his best qualities.

- But he's kind of a magoo.

- l'm sorry.

- You're wrong. Sometimes

maybe he is a little--

- Magoo !

- Yes. But since we've been going out--

- My God, l'm not having

this conversation with you.

- Audrey, you can't go.

- This is not fair.

- Fair ?

Okay, let's define fair. Last night

a five-year-old boy was crushed...

because his father lied to him

about coming to his birthday party.

- Fair ?

- Last night--

- Was none of my business.

None of my business.

- Thank you.

Two years ago, it was my business.

But l don't have to care anymore.

That's the magic of divorce.

But it matters to Max !

Everything you do matters,

and everything you don't do.

All right.

Now let me tell you something.

l'm a bad father !

l mean--

l'm a bad father.

You're not a bad father...

when you show up.

What if l come right after court

and play ball ?

Then you and l can talk before

you make any rash decisions !

No, we are leaving tonight.

Please, Audrey.

Give me one more chance.

l'm throwin' myself

on the mercy of the court.

l lost you, but please

don't make me lose Max too.

Give me a chance to be

the father l started out to be.

- You're really coming ?

- This is ironclad.

This is the mother of all promises.

What time ?

Okay, 6:
00.

- Ten to six.

- All right.

All right. But if l tell

Max that you're coming,

and you don't show up and l have

to see that look on his face--

that heartbreaking look--

we're going to Boston.

lf l don't show up,

l'll pack you myself.

l will lovingly wrap your

nicknacks with bubble paper.

l hope so.

Do you know what your son was doing

at 8:
15 last night ?

He was making a birthday wish

that for just one day...

his father couldn't tell a lie.

Oh, my God !

That's it !

"l do not like them, Sam l Am.

"l do not like green eggs and ham.

"Would you like them here or there ?

- l would not like them--"

- Excuse me.

Hi. l'm Max's bad father--

Er, l'm his father.

- Dad !

- Could l borrow him

for just one second ?

- Monster Max !

- You came to play catch ?

l'd like to, but l can't.

l gotta talk to you.

Your mommy told me about that wish

you made last night. lt came true, Max.

- Really ? You mean you

have to tell the truth ?

- Yes.

- No matter what ?

- No matter what !

- ls wrestling real ?

- ln the Olympics, yes.

On channel 23, no.

- Will sitting too close

to the TV set make me go blind ?

- Not in a million years.

lf l keep making this face,

will it get stuck that way ?

Uh-uh. ln fact some people

make a good living that way.

Now listen, Max.

You've gotta do something for me.

l need you to take back that wish.

- So you can lie ?

- Yes.

But not to you.

You see, Max,

sometimes grownups need to lie.

lt's hard to explain,

but if--

Look, here's a good example.

When your mommy was pregnant with you,

she gained 40 pounds;

there was nothing she wouldn't eat.

And Daddy was scared.

But when she'd ask me, "How do l look ?"

l'd say, "Honey, you look great.

You're glowing."

lf l had told Mommy she looked like

a cow, it would have hurt her feelings.

- Understand ?

- My teacher tells me

real beauty's on the inside.

That's just something

ugly people say.

Max, no one can survive

in the adult world if they

have to stick to the truth.

l could lose my case, l could lose

my promotion, l could even lose my job.

Now, l need your help, Max.

[ Sighs ] Okay.

Okay. Do whatever

you did last night,

only this time,

make it an "unwish."

l did it.

Excellent !

Now, l just need

a little test.

-Did it work ?

-Not like l'd hoped. Did you unwish it ?

- Only--

- What ? Only what ?

Yesterday, when l wished it,

l really meant it.

This time when l unwished it,

l only did it 'cause you told me to.

All right.

Do it again.

And this time, mean it.

- But l can't !

- Why not ?

- 'Cause l don't want you to lie.

- l explained this.

l have to lie.

Everybody lies.

Mommy lies.

Even the wonderful Jerry lies.

But you're the only one

that makes me feel bad.

- [ Bell Ringing ]

- [ Teacher ] Max, recess is over.

Come on in !

Mom says we're moving to Boston.

That isn't for sure yet.

She promised we'd talk

about it tonight.

l am comin' !

You believe me,

don't you, Max ?

l'll see you later, buddy.

[ Squish ]

[ Elevator Bell Dings ]

- Fletcher. How's it hangin' ?

- Short, shriveled

and always to the left.

Boss, it's Skull.

He knocked over another A.T.M.

This time at knife-point.

He needs your legal advice.

[ Shouting ]

Stop breakin' the law, a**hole !

Boss, are you all right ?

My son hates me.

Max loves you.

l've seen you together. You're his hero.

Oh, yeah ?

Last night at his birthday

party, he made a wish...

that l wouldn't be able

to lie for one whole day.

- Kids.

- lt came true.

- What ?

- Max's wish !

lt came true.

Boss, maybe you should

just take a few days off.

Greta ! Didn't it seem weird

to you that l kept tellin'

the truth all morning ?

Well, yeah. But--

What are you saying ?

That you are incapable of lying ?

That's right !

l am incapable of lying !

- [ Greta ] Just for today ?

- Apparently. 'Til 8:15 tonight.

lt's one of those

[ Greta ]

Those are goin' around.

- You don't believe me, do you ?

- Of course not.

[ Chuckles ]

How ironic !

Okay. Ask me something

you think l would normally lie about.

All right. Remember a couple

of months ago when l wanted a raise ?

- l don't want to do this.

- And the company

wouldn't give me one...

and l asked if you would give it

to me out of your own pocket...

And you said the company

would not allow it, because

it would create jealousy...

among the other secretaries.

Was that true, or did you just

not want to pony up the dough ?

Greta, please !

Judge Stevens, hi !

Fletcher Reede. l'm scheduled

in your court in half an hour.

Judge Stevens, l badly, badly

need a continuance. lll ?

Am l ill ? That is

the perfect question for you to ask.

- Please lie for me !

- l remember when you bought me this...

antique frame from Tiffany's--

Tiffany's ?

Garage sale. Six-fifty,

marked down from ten.

[ Glass Breaking ]

l'll give you the raise !

Here's your raise.

[ Gasps ] Hi, Judge Stevens !

l know l haven't given you an answer.

- [ Phone Ringing ]

- But illness could mean so many things.

Can you hold ?

Hello ? Mom !

Hi ! l wasn't really

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