Liar Liar Page #5

on vacation.

Because l didn't want

to talk to you !

Because you insist on talking

about Dad's bowel movements--

size, color, frequency !

l'll call you later !

[ Punching Buttons ] Hello ?

Oh, damn it !

l cut him off.

l cut off the judge !

[ Screaming ]

Greta ! Don't leave !

Mr. Reede. Several years ago,

a friend had a burglar on her roof.

He fell through the skylight, landed on

a butcher's knife, cutting his leg.

The burglar sued my friend.

He sued my friend !

Because of guys like you, he won !

My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000.

ls that justice ?

No. l'd have got him ten.

- Good-bye, Mr. Reede.

- No, wait !

l didn't understand !

Ask me again !

- Have a nice day in court.

- Greta !

- Hi.

- God in heaven !

lt's nice to see you too,

Fletcher. Are you busy ?

- Extremely.

- Good. Would you follow me, please ?

Did you know that the

partnership committee is headed

by Mr. Allan himself ?

- Mm-hmm.

- You used to work

directly for Mr. Allan.

- Yeah.

- Tell me. What do you think of him ?

[ Gasps ] He's a pedantic,

pontificating, pretentious bastard !

A belligerent old fart !

A steaming pile of cow dung !

Figuratively speaking.

Really ? How delightful.

This way.

Pardon me for interrupting.

Mr. Allan, you remember Fletcher Reede ?

Oh, yes ! Nice to

see you again, Fletcher.

l'll be observing you

in court this afternoon.

l've been hearing

some good things about you.

Well, Fletcher has just been telling me

how much he thinks of you.

Why don't you tell Mr. Allan ?

Well, what do you think of him ?

He's a pedantic, pontificating,

pretentious bastard.

A belligerent old fart.

A worthless, steaming pile of cow dung.

[ Sighs ]

Figuratively speaking.

[ Laughs ]

[ All Laughing ]

That's the funniest damn thing

l've ever heard !

You're a real card, Reede !

l love a good roast !

Do Simmons !

- Simmons is old !

- [ Everyone Laughs ]

He should have been out years

ago, but he can't stay home

'cause he hates his wife !

You've met her

at the Christmas parties.

She's the one that gets plastered

and calls him a retard.

And you, Tom. You're the biggest

brownnose l've ever seen !

You've got your head so far up

Mr. Allan's ass, l can't tell

where you end and he begins !

Priceless !

You have bad breath

caused by gingivitis.

You couldn't get a porn star

off. Your hairpiece looks like

something that was killed.

l don't know whether to comb it

or scrape it off and bury it in lime !

Loser ! ldiot !

Wimp ! Degenerate !

Slut !

l like your style, Reede !

That's what this stuffy company needs !

- A little irreverence !

- Good ! l'll see you later, dick-head !

Dick-head !

Priceless !

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo !

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Moans ]

Keep your eye on that boy.

Dick-head !

[ Laughing Loudly ]

[ Thud ]

[ People Murmuring ]

[ Bailiff ]

Third District Court is now in session.

The honorable

Judge Marshall Stevens presiding.

Afternoon, Counselors.

Are we ready to begin ?

No, sir !

We are not ready to begin...

because my client

has not arrived !

Hurry up !

Move it, move it !

Here she comes

to wreck the day

- Mr. Reede !

- Sorry, Your Honor.

Go, go, go. Lupe,

you keep those kids quiet.

- l'm not even close to kidding.

- S, seora.

[ Sighs ] Sorry.

Billy threw up in the car.

You brought your kids

to your divorce ?

- Sympathy.

- Well, it's working.

- l feel sorry for them already.

- Hmm.

[ Judge ]

Miss Appleton, you may begin.

From March 6 through June 12...

l surveilled Mrs. Cole

at the behest of Mr. Cole.

During that period,

l noted that Mr. Cole...

left each day

between 7:
40 and 7:50.

Thereafter Mrs. Cole

would frequently have...

a male visitor arrive and stay

from one to four hours.

l was able to take several photographs

of the male visitor.

l see.

Do you know what Mrs. Cole

and her male visitor did...

during these frequent... visits ?

[ Witness ] Well, they were pretty good

about keeping the shades drawn,

but l was able to make

a recording of one such session.

Your Honor,

as you are aware,

under the terms

of the prenuptial agreement,

if Mrs. Cole commits adultery,

she is entitled to nothing.

With your permission, we'd like to play

the following tape recording.

[ Playback Button Clicking ]

[ Samantha Moaning On Tape ]

[ Man On Tape ]

Here comes big daddy !

[ Samantha ]

Oh, God ! Do it to me !

- [ Man Grunting ]

- Do it to me ! Harder ! Harder !

[ Gulping ]

[ Samantha Moaning, Screaming ]

Oh, come on !

Your Honor, how can it be proved

that the male voice on that tape

is not Mr. Cole himself ?

[ Samantha On Tape ]

You are such a better lover

than my husband !

- Your Honor, l object !

- And why is that, Mr. Reede ?

- lt's devastating to my case !

- Overruled.

Good call !

- [ Man On Tape ] l gotta go.

l haven't cleaned your pool.

- Your witness.

[ Samantha Panting On Tape ]

All right.

Well, Mr. Reede,

you may proceed.

[ Whispers ]

How ?

Your Honor, would the court be willing

to grant me a short bathroom break ?

- Can't it wait ?

- Yes, it can.

But l've heard that if you hold it,

it can damage the prostate gland,

making it very difficult

to get an erection !

- ls that true ?

- lt has to be.

Well, in that case, l better

take a little break myself.

But you get back here immediately

so we can finish this.

[ Murmuring ]

[ Groaning ]

How am l going

to get out of this ?

Think. Think.

Think ! Owie !

Owie !

[ Grunting ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Yelling, Groaning ]

Ohh ! Ohh ! Ohh !

[ Groaning Continues ]

[ Crash ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Screaming, Crying ]

What the hell

are you doing ?

l'm kicking my ass !

Do you mind ?

[ Screams ]

[ Murmuring ]

[ Groaning, Gasping ]

[ Bailiff ] l found him like this

in the bathroom, Your Honor.

Somebody beat the hell out of him.

- Who did this ?

- A madman, Your Honor !

A desperate fool at the end

of his pitiful rope !

What did he look like ?

About 6'2", 180 pounds,

big teeth, kind of gangly.

Bailiff, have the deputy

search the building.

- Yes, sir.

- [ Spectators Murmuring ]

Order ! Order !

[ Gavel Pounding ]

Under the circumstances, l have

no choice but to recess this case...

until 9:
00 a.m.

tomorrow morning.

Unless, of course, you feel

you can still proceed.

Can you ?

[ Sobbing ]

Yes, l can.

l admire your courage, Mr. Reede.

We'll take a short recess

so that you can compose yourself,

and then we'll get started.

Here you go.

- [ Phone Rings ]

- [ Gasps ]

- [ Phone Rings ]

- Hello ?

- Dad ?

- Max ? How's it goin' ?

Great. You know Paul and Emanuel

from across the street ?

- Yeah. Uh-huh.

- Well, they never want

to play baseball with me.

But l told them l'm playing

tonight with my dad.

So now they want to play.

ls that okay ?

Sure. The more the merrier.

Coolest ! Do you wanna be

Jose Canseco ?

Oh, yeah. Who else is gonna hit

that famous Nomo slider ?

- Mr. Reede.

- l gotta go now, Max.

- l'll see you

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