Liar Liar Page #6

in a couple hours. Okay ? Bye.

- Bye, Dad.

He's really coming !

l'm gonna go change.

- Okay, go ahead !

- Yeah !

Mr. Reede !

[ Mocking ]

Mr. Reede ! Mr.--

This is my lawyer.

He's a little unorthodox.

Mr. Reede, you remember Kenneth Falk,

the man from the tape.

- How could l forget ?

- Hey, how you doin' ?

l've slipped into the seventh

circle of hell ! Thank you.

- You ?

- Shouldn't we be going over

our testimony right now ?

Basically, the plan is,

l walk you through the tape.

Step-by-step,

l ask you questions.

- And we give the explanation

you came up with.

- Exactly.

All we gotta do is lie.

That sounds simple enough.

Doesn't it !

Then l'll finish up

with dramatic questions.

Something like:
Mr. Falk, isn't it true

that you and Mrs. Cole...

have never made

Lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo, lo--

Lo--

Ugh ! Oh, God !

l can't do it.

l can't finish the question

if l know the answer is a lie.

You may proceed, Mr. Reede.

Respondent calls...

Kenneth Falk.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but

the truth, so help you God ?

l do ! l mean--

l do.

Mr. Falk.

[ Clears Throat ]

Do you know my client,

Samantha Cole ?

Yes.

lsn't it true that your relationship

with my client is entirely platonic ?

l object, Your Honor !

To yourself ?

Yeah.

But l would like to...

rephrase the question.

[ Groans ]

Mr. Falk, would l be accurate...

if l described your relationship

with Mrs. Cole as totally professional ?

l object, Your Honor,

and l move to strike !

Mr. Reede, l don't know

what you're on,

but you better get

to the point and quick.

Thank you, sir.

[ Murmuring ]

ls your relationship

with my client entirely platonic ?

Not ! ls not your relationship

with my client:

"Boink ! Bad baby, bad baby !"

Did you ever not make lo--

- Did you-- [ Exhaling ]

- Mr. Reede !

You had sex with her every time you met,

didn't you ? Didn't you ! Liar !

- He's badgering the witness.

- lt's his witness.

You slammed her !

You dunked her donuts !

You gave her dog a "snaussage" !

You stuffed her

like a Thanksgiving turkey !

[ Gobbling Like Turkey ]

All right, it's true, okay !

l humped her brains out !

There ! Now you happy ?

No further questions.

[ Low Murmuring ]

Um--

No questions.

[ Judge ]

You may step down.

Do l dare ask you

to call your next witness ?

l have no further witnesses,

Your Honor.

What are you doing ?

Call me !

You do not understand.

l can't lie.

l can't do anything dishonest

until 8:
15 tonight !

Listen, you bastard !

l want my money !

l am not going to end up

a 31-year-old divorcee on welfare...

because my scumbag attorney

had a sudden attack of conscience !

Thirty-one ?

lf Mr. Reede has

no further witnesses,

then l have no choice

but to rule in favor of--

Your Honor !

l call Samantha Cole

to the stand.

- [ Murmuring, Chattering ]

- Order.

Order ! Order !

- Knock it off !

- Sit down !

Mr. Reede, it is out of

sheer morbid curiosity...

l'm allowing this...

freak show to continue.

Mrs. Cole...

if you dare.

Mrs. Cole...

is this a copy

of your driver's license ?

- Yes.

- lt says here you're

a blonde. Are you ?

- [ Scoffs ]

- lf you don't remember,

perhaps Mr. Falk will.

- Brunette.

- We can play the tape again.

Maybe it's on there.

l'm a brunette !

Thank you.

Now let's see.

"Weight:
105."

Yeah ! ln your bra.

- Your Honor, l object !

- You would !

- Bastard !

- Hag !

Quiet ! Overruled ! Weight ?

One-eighteen.

All right, fine, fine.

l'm 127.

Uh-huh. And it says here

you were born in 1964,

but that's not true

either, is it ?

- ls it !

- No.

Will you tell me what it says

here on your birth certificate

under "date of birth" ?

Your Honor, what does this

have to do with anything ?

Overruled. Mrs. Cole,

answer the question.

[ Blows Air ]

"1965."

Now let me get this straight.

That would mean that you lied

about your age to make yourself older.

But why would any woman

want to do that ?

l changed it

so l could get married.

And the truth

shall set you free !

My client lied about her age !

She was only 17 when she got married,

which makes her a minor,

and in the great

state of California,

no minor can enter

into any legal contract...

without parental consent,

including--

Prenuptial agreements.

Prenuptial agreements !

This contract is void !

The fact that my client has been ridden

more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant.

Standard Community Property

applies, and she is entitled

to half of the marital assets,

or $11.395 million !

Jordan fades back. Swoosh !

And that's the game !

Nothing further, Your Honor.

[ Applause ]

[ Judge Pounding Gavel ]

Order. Order. Order !

ln light of this new evidence,

the court must rule

in favor of Mrs. Cole.

- Yes !

- She is hereby awarded

half the marital assets.

- [ Screams ]

- The son of a b*tch pulled it off !

- l didn't know !

- [ Dana ] lt doesn't matter.

The contract's void.

[ Judge Pounding Gavel ]

Order. Order.

l understand both parties

have agreed to joint custody.

- ls that correct ?

- Yes.

- Yes.

- No.

l'm contesting custody.

- What ?

- lf l get sole custody,

that's another ten grand

in child support payments.

You just won $11 million !

Hey, l'm the victim here.

You said it yourself.

Now l'm gonna hit him

where it hurts.

[ Whispering ] But you--

you said he was a good father.

So ?

Well, Mr. Reede, do we have

an agreement on custody or not ?

No.

l see.

ln that case, there

will be a custody hearing

on the 19th at 9:00 a.m.

Court is adjourned.

[ Murmuring, Chattering ]

- Come on, let's go.

- Daddy !

You stop that whining, or l'll

give you something to whine about !

l wanna go with Daddy !

Come here, kids. Come on.

lt's all right. Don't you worry.

l promise we'll be together,

whatever l have to do.

lt's okay. lt's okay.

Oh, for God's sake, will you

give me those ? They're mine !

Let go of Daddy ! Let go of him !

Let go of Daddy !

- We're leaving now ! Lupe, come on !

- S, seora.

Don't you have some checks to write ?

You haven't paid for them yet.

[ Laughing ]

l love children.

They give you so much leverage

in a case like this.

You did an incredible job, partner.

[ Laughing ]

Look at him.

He's stunned.

He can't believe it.

Your Honor, may l please

approach the bench ?

We're adjourned, Mr. Reede.

Your Honor, l think

we've made a big mistake.

Mr. Reede, l am tired

and very cranky.

l know, but this is

just... wrong, isn't it ?

l manipulated the system.

Just because you bought it doesn't mean

l'm right. lt's a technicality !

Young man, having my judgement

mocked in my own court...

is not something

l'm prepared to tolerate !

Well, tell that to the kids

when they're adopted...

by the Manson family !

One more word out of you, Mr. Reede,

and l'll hold you in contempt !

l hold myself in contempt !

Why should you be any different ?

Bailiff, take him away !

This man is a good father,

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