Liberal Arts Page #6

I'm-I'm glad you did.

So is that a problem?

Well, yeah, it is.

Why?

Okay, well, first of all,

I'm 35.

- You don't look it.

- Thank you.

Plus, it doesn't bother me.

Well, it bothers me.

Well, it shouldn't.

Age is a stupid thing

to obsess over.

What if reincarnation

is real, huh?

Think about that.

What if I'm, like, thousands

of years older than you?

Okay, that's not really

a sound argument.

Why not?

Because it's like saying,

"What if reality is all

an illusion?"

Then there are no consequences

to anything.

We're completely off the hook.

And I believe in consequences.

No, you believe in guilt.

Maybe.

But guilt before we act

is called morality.

Why did you come back here?

To see you,

but I didn't know that you...

Why should that matter?

I mean, isn't it,

I don't know, flattering?

Listen.

Elizabeth.

Sex is really complicated, okay?

I didn't quite understand that

when I was younger,

but I do now.

Okay, look, I didn't sign

one of those contracts

when I was in high school, okay?

I'm not a prude or whatever.

It's just, I never met anyone

that I trusted

or even liked enough

until now.

I can't.

Are you not attracted to me?

No.

I mean, yes, I am.

It's just,

I also care about you a lot

already, somehow.

So, um, essentially,

you don't want to sleep with me

because you like

and respect me too much.

Basically.

Yeah.

That's, like,

the saddest thing ever.

Look, I want to be

in your life.

I do.

Yeah, I already have

an older brother, okay?

And I don't need some mentor.

I can't just say yes

to everything.

Elizabeth.

Stop calling me that.

What?

No one calls me that.

You need to leave right now.

I'm really upset,

and you need to go.

Okay.

Get out!

I've got a right

to lose my mind

Since...

Well, well, well.

Since you left me here

Now I remember you.

You do?

Not really.

I stumbled

On a new world

Rough day?

Yeah.

"Mock on.

Mock on.

"'Tis all in vain.

"You throw the sand

against the wind,

and the wind

blows it back again."

Blake.

Aplus.

And the life

And the life I'm living

French fries.

I was just about to order

a basket.

To lose my mind

I've got a right

to lose my mind

Hey.

Can you get me a beer?

Yeah, have mine.

Of course, I'm thrilled.

Newly minted PhD.

I'm feeling very fancy

and officially teaching

Ode on a Grecian Urn

for the first time.

It's like heaven, right?

Right.

Right, right, right.

And I decide to be

a little dramatic.

I'm really gonna go for it

and just recite

the whole thing out loud.

What the hell, right?

Sure.

And it's going very well,

if I do say so myself.

And as I reach

the immortal final lines

of one of the great poems

ever written in English,

I hear myself say the following:

"Beauth is trudy, trudy beauth."

"That is all ye know on Earth

and all ye need know."

That is great.

Great story.

When did you fall

for the Romantics?

Was it, like-

I'm just curious,

but was it in college

or grad school?

'Cause I knew almost nothing

about those guys

before your class.

Your class.

Ooh, I can gush, right?

I mean, I still think about it.

It's just...

What?

You're very enthusiastic.

I guess.

I have a car.

Okay.

I would like for you

to get in it with me,

and I would like

to drive us somewhere.

Where?

Don't worry about the fries.

They know me here.

Yo, Eric, what's up?

Oh, hey, man.

Okay, you got to go.

What?

Out.

Go, now.

Ow!

Are you serious?

Yep.

Yeah, I don't have to, uh,

stay the night or anything,

but could I-could I at least

catch my breath?

Sure.

How long

do you think that'll be?

- What?

- No, no.

It's just funny to me

all of a sudden.

What about it

is amusing to you?

Your post-coital cigarette,

for one, is amusing to me.

What, you never smoked?

- No, I did.

- But you quit.

- Yeah.

- P*ssy.

Okay, you are the same

Judith Fairfield

I took British

Romantic literature from?

"From whom I took

British Romantic literature,"

and yes, that's me.

But just because we screwed,

don't assume we're suddenly...

what is it you kids say

nowadays?

BFFs?

Yeah, that's not really...

I mean, what do we really know

about each other?

You're a nonsmoker.

Congratulations.

You're going to live

to be a hundred.

But what does it matter

if your life is joyless?

And it will be.

Trust me.

What's happening here?

You're getting your clothes

and you're leaving,

and I'm going to take an Ambien.

No, I meant, what is hap...

I mean, seriously.

You weren't thinking

we were gonna cuddle

the rest of the night

as I read you Wordsworth?

Not anymore.

Good.

I've taught at this school

for over 20 years.

I've seen the emergence of

your kind like an infection...

all these effete,

overarticulate man-boys

who never learned to toughen up.

Don't be one of them.

Go work with your hands.

Build something.

Punch someone in the face.

Wow.

Too bad Norman Mailer's dead.

You guys would have been perfect

for each other.

Shall I count to ten?

Wait, just, can...

hold on just one second, okay?

You don't seem very happy.

Your powers of deduction

are stunning.

You must have gone

to a very good college.

I'm just confused how...

I mean,

you're a tenured professor

in one of the most prestigious

English departments

in the country.

That's not fulfilling?

Sit through a faculty meeting

at a liberal arts college,

Mr. Young Person.

I assure you, you will lose

all faith in humanity.

Okay, but what about

the classroom?

There had to have been

some joy there.

I mean, you were

such a good teacher.

Thank you.

I like to teach.

I used to love it.

What happened?

Life happened.

Okay, I'm gonna need

a little bit more.

Well, that's all

you're gonna get.

Unlike you, I'm not

from the "let me tell you

every sick, sordid detail

of my life" generation.

I value discretion.

I loathe self-pity.

So let's just leave it at this:

People are disappointing.

Yeah, it's just,

I would think...

- Don't get comfortable.

- Sorry.

I would just think

that spending so much time

with those poems

would make you more, you know,

optimistic and hopeful.

Nonsense.

They were miserable men

who were granted a few moments

of transcendence,

and they had the talent

and foresight

to grab pen and paper

and write it down.

Byron was probably

the happiest of the lot,

only because he put his dick

in everything.

This is the saddest evening

of my life.

Get used to it.

My advice to you is this:

Put some armor around that gooey

little heart of yours.

Well, at least

I appreciate the irony.

I just had the least romantic

night of my life

with a Romantics professor.

For what it's worth,

I meant everything I said

about your class.

It opened something in me,

and I'm grateful for it.

And if my heart is gooey,

you're at least partially

responsible for that.

So you're still uninspired

by admissions.

Yeah, pretty much.

No little Jesse Fishers

out there?

Well, if there are,

I'm not meeting them.

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