Life as We Know It Page #4

-They're a mess. They pee on things.

They bite. They're basicaIIy dogs.

Except at Ieast a dog knows

not to Iick the eIectricaI sockets.

[DOPHIE CRYING]

Dhe's up. Dhe's up.

-Okay. honey. Hey. Hi.

-Hey. Hey. Iook at the sIeepyhead.

HOLLY:
Hi. honey.

-Here we go.

Hey. come here.

-No. no. don't pick her up.

-Why?

Because she needs to Iearn

how to seIf-soothe.

-Dhe needs to what?

-DeIf-soothe. Doothe herseIf.

I just read it. Messer. It's important.

Let's just give it a minute.

Everything's okay. Happy. happy girI.

You know what? Let's just sing a song.

We'II sing a song.

[DINGING]

The wheels on the bus go round and round

Round and round

Round and round

The wheels on the bus go round and round

All through the town

The-- I don't know.

-And then Keanu Reeves saves the bus

-Nice.

Saves the bus

Saves the bus

And then Keanu Reeves saves the bus

-And then he dies

-That's aII I got.

Does he die? I don't know.

Okay. Maybe she's hungry.

I think she's hungry. I'm gonna feed her.

-Come on. Iet's go eat. Come on.

-I thought we weren't picking her up.

-Okay. Dophie. I'm aImost done. hoId on.

-Dhe's not a food critic. Dhe's a 1-year-oId.

-I'm not gonna feed her just anything.

-But we're gonna feed you today.

HopefuIIy before you're 2.

Do teII me. what does Dophie do

to your dreams of ever meeting a guy...

...and having your own baby?

Thought about that?

A woman your age

aIready has a hard time competing...

...for the few guys who don't suck.

I'm sorry.

did you just say a woman my age?

In the dating worId.

you wouIdn't be considered singIe.

You know what you'd be? CompIicated.

Beyond compIicated.

You don't know anything about me.

WeII. I know that you can't open

a chiIdproof drawer.

Oh. There it is.

Why are you trying so hard

to convince me not to heIp her?

I'm not trying to.

I'm just trying to do what's best for her.

-You're trying to do what's best for you.

-I'm trying to do what's best for her.

We're not it.

They Ioved Dophie more than anything

in the entire worId...

...and out of everyone. Messer.

they picked us.

They picked us.

I'm coming.

Check this out.

I think you're gonna Iove it.

Taste sensation. Ready?

Mmm.

No? Come on. Just try it. Doph.

Just try it. I think you're gonna Iove it.

Just try it.

Come on. Doph. give it a try.

Oh. pIease?

I've seen you eat things Iike this.

I think you're gonna Iove it. Come on.

Mmm. Mmm. Yum. yum. yum.

There you go. Good girI. Doph--

[DOPHIE COUGHD]

Do you honestIy think

we're the best thing for her?

[JODH DIGHD]

-WeII. it was a beautifuI service.

-Yeah.

-I did not know that's how they met.

-Oh. that story about Paris?

-Are you kidding me?

JODH:
Yeah.

What is gonna happen with the baby?

Do we know?

-Oh. yeah. you didn't hear?

-No.

They named one of their friends. yeah.

The singIe girI who bakes.

And the super-hot one that aIways smeIIs.

Iike. so good and sweaty.

-That guy.

-That's interesting. Do he'II be around.

-''Good''?

-What do you mean. ''good and sweaty''?

Mom. thank you for being here.

I couIdn't have done it without you.

-You're weIcome.

-Mind watching her for another minute?

-I gotta taIk to Messer.

-Okay.

Mess.

-There's a Iot of them.

-WeII. we just need to find one.

-Do I understand you're Peter's cousins?

-Hey. don't cIimb on that. Hey. hey.

-Who is that. TyIer?

-Mason.

Mason. take a seat right now. Let's go.

-Eight kids.

-Eight kids? You guys have eight kids?

-Nine. dear.

-Nine. right. BasebaII team.

-I had to come for AIison.

-Yeah. thank you.

-And I was on tour through AtIanta. so....

-Oh. on tour.

Are you performing anywhere

that I wouId know?

I'm dancing at JuggIes tonight...

...and then Bush League

Thursday through Monday.

Oh. how exciting.

That's reaIIy exciting. Yeah.

It's reaIIy good for Dophie

to get to see her grandfather.

Dhe Iooks just Iike Peter.

I think she Iooks just Iike you.

HOLLY:

Do you have a house in Miami now?

Yeah. because we. you know.

were hoping...

...given that Dophie

is your onIy grandchiId. that....

WeII. it seems to make the most sense

that you'd be--

HOLLY:
Oh!

MEDDER:
Okay. okay. okay.

HOLLY:

Dophie. no. no. no. Over here.

Oh. I am so sorry. Okay.

You okay? Okay.

-Good as new.

-DtiII breathing.

Yay.

[DOPHIE COOING OVER MONITOR]

WeII. we couId go

with the nine-kids famiIy.

I mean. they cIearIy know

how to keep a chiId aIive.

Dtripper seemed nice.

Yeah.

And the grandpa's a definite no?

We're screwed.

CLERK:
Next case. the matter of

Dophie Novak. Index Number 05893-01.

AII right.

I've read your submissions.

aIong with the wiII.

Given that you foIks were named

as guardians...

...I see no reason

to countermand the parents' wishes.

However. permit--

MEDDER:
Just Ieave it.

HOLLY:
No. no.

-They're gonna get ground into the carpet.

-Guys. guys. okay.

Let's Ieave the GoIdfish.

What do you say we stand up?

-Okay. Okay.

-Dtand up. Leave them.

HOLLY:

Dorry.

-I'II pick these up.

-Just....

UntiI that time. I hereby grant

joint IegaI and physicaI custody...

...of Dophie Christina Novak

to HoIIy Berenson and Eric Messer.

[POUNDD GAVEL]

That's it?

You're not gonna ask us anything?

How do you know we're not drug deaIers

or pimps?

HOLLY:

Ha!

-Are you drug deaIers or pimps?

-No. ma'am. No.

Let's go.

Boom. ''Done. next case.

Here. take a kid.

No. take two. we got extra.''

Where is that stupid duck that she Ioves

that drives me crazy?

[DUCK TOY QUACKING]

I don't get it. man. I've been good.

Dome chick says:

''Messer. you can forget the condom.''

I say no. and I stiII end up with a kid.

We need to figure out a scheduIe.

I need to work tomorrow.

-Do you smeII that?

-What?

-Oh. maybe she finaIIy pooped. Did she?

-Oh. yeah. yeah. yeah. I think she--

What? It's not that bad.

Oh. Doph.

HOLLY:
It's a weird smeII. right?

MEDDER:
Okay.

-Go ahead.

-What? Why me? Because I'm the girI?

-Yeah.

-No. Uh-uh.

I am not changing diapers

for the next two years.

-Get in there.

-Okay. fine. Easy. It's not that....

Domething you can take off the checkIist.

Check.

-What are you doing?

-I don't know.

It's not a bra that I'm taking off a chick.

it's a diaper.

-It's not rocket science. Take the tabs off.

-Is there a box I can read?

Dee those IittIe tabs? Undo them.

[HOLLY GADPD]

[MEDDER GAGGING]

Oh. God. Don't do that.

You're gonna make me throw up.

-It's Iike Slumdog Millionaire in there.

-You're gonna make me throw up.

Dhe didn't eat enough to produce that.

-Dhe's getting it in her toes.

-Okay. give me the wipes.

-Give me another one.

-Hurry. Get it out of her toes.

What. it's Iike a poop suit.

[DOORBELL RINGD]

-Oh. I got it.

-Messer. Don't Ieave me in here.

Oh. God.

[DOPHIE COOING]

Oh. it's burning my eyes.

I'm getting the feeIing

this is a reconnaissance mission.

DEEDEE:

No one eIse is thinking that.

-Oh. hi.

BETH:
Hi.

-Hi.

-HeIIo.

-Durprise.

-The athIete.

-Yeah. how's it going?

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