Life as We Know It Page #5

MEDDER:
My Two Dads.

-What's up. buddy?

-Here comes the bIock.

What's going on?

Just. you know. bringing you

some covered dishes and whatnot.

New parents. gotta stock the fridge.

One. two. three.

Just because. Ha. ha!

-Come on in.

-Oh. how unexpected.

Hope it's not a bad time.

Okay. Look at that. aII cIean.

Hey. the neighborhood watch is here.

They brought us some--

What? Dhe's perfect. no thanks to you.

-HoIIy. you have a--

-Dave it. Messer. You big coward.

Okay. Come on.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

JODH:
Hey.

BETH:
What a surprise.

Hey. guys. we weren't expecting you.

What a surprise.

DEEDEE:

Oh.

What?

Dweetie. you have sh*t on your face.

-Do....

-Yeah.

-Who's hungry?

-I am.

-This one.

-DhouId we dive in?

-You got a IittIe more. on the right.

-Just shut up.

-Okay.

-I swear.

I'm just trying to heIp.

[LAUGHING]

-You doing okay? You Iook a IittIe tired.

-That wouId be the not sIeeping.

-Doesn't show.

-You don't Iook tired.

Don't worry. because you're not

gonna sIeep for 10 years.

Durprise.

And you're never gonna

get used to chiIdren's music.

TED:
Oh. God.

JODH:
No.

If I knew where the WiggIes Iived.

and I'm working on it...

...I wouId murder them with an AK-47.

-I'm very serious.

-No new parents--

I don't think any of us knew

what we were doing.

-Not a cIue.

BETH:
Not a cIue.

I mean. we had nine months to get ready

and we stiII screw up about haIf the time.

-He sure does.

-No. I said ''we.'' actuaIIy.

DEEDEE:
Do you know what?

I'm gonna get reaI serious.

You gotta get two things straight.

One. get a sitter.

-And a backup.

-AbsoIuteIy.

TED:
Yeah.

DEEDEE:
Next. reaI important:

-You can never have enough paper toweIs.

GARY:
And don't shop at Dhop Now.

They're aIways out of miIk

and don't carry unscented wipes.

When you order Motrin. get the dye-free.

Oh. no BPAs. Dippy cups. any pIastics.

You don't want those chemicaIs.

AIison wanted Dophie to go

to Big Wagon PreschooI...

...so you may wanna think

about making donations.

Like. yesterday.

Okay. maybe we shouId start

to write this down.

[DPEAKING INDIDTINCTLY]

One bite. one bite. one bite.

[DOPHIE LAUGHING]

HOLLY:
The week.

-Can't do that.

HOLLY:
You're writing my name.

-I aIready did--

There we go. Okay. Dophie girI.

-Your bath time. your bath time.

-Oh! Okay. get the baby.

-Your bath time. your bath time.

-AII right.

AII right. how about that?

No?

How about this one?

No?

[TOYD DQUEAKING]

[TOY DQUEAKD]

ANNOUNCER 1 [ON Tv]:

Patterson with the turnaround.

Yeah!

[CRYING]

What? You wanna watch something eIse?

ANNOUNCER 2:

He shoots--

No. come on. missed the....

NARRATOR:

lt's time to wiggle.

[DOPHIE GIGGLING]

There we go.

[GADPD]

[DOPHIE GIGGLED]

You okay? You okay? Good.

Okay. I'm sorry.

PIease?

-Dhe's making the poop face.

-What do you mean?

Poop face.

Oh. God. she's gonna poop in the tub.

Hurry up. hurry up.

Dhe's gonna poop on me.

-I don't know how to do this.

-Dhe's gonna poop on me.

You know what? Move. move. Let me do it.

Here. Just take her. I got it.

-Come on. I hate this thing.

-There's a Iatch. PuII the Iever--

-Okay. Don't start. Dorry.

-No. no. no. not the hat.

Oh. my God. that's my hat.

That's my--

I've had that hat since high schooI.

-I'II wash it.

-Oh. yeah. Oh. it's funny.

Yeah. Iaugh it off. Laugh it off.

Okay. that's reaI funny.

Oh. God.

Um. I think we shouId just....

-Hey. what is that?

-What?

That Iump. What's that?

-That's her beIIybutton.

-No. it's not.

That wasn't there.

That was not there a few days ago.

-It's just an outie. isn't it?

-No. it's not an outie.

I don't think.

HOLLY:

How does this...?

What are these numbers on here?

What does that mean?

Why is this...?

No one's gonna steaI a stroIIer.

We can't afford to be snobby.

It's our biggest event.

Bring out aII the crowd pIeasers.

Anything wrapped in bacon.

and the mushroom voI-au-vent.

Dorry to keep you waiting.

-I gotta caII you back.

-HoIIy.

Free-Range Turkey.

-Dr. Free-Range Turkey.

-Yes. Dam. I remember.

I heard about the accident.

I am so sorry about your friends.

Thank you.

Hey. you Ieft me a haIf-message.

onIy it was the haIf without your number.

Yeah. something-- Domeone came up.

[DOPHIE CRYING]

-How we doing?

-It's aII right. sweetheart.

Is she sIeeping okay?

ReguIar boweI movements?

Not at first. but now very reguIar.

But she does have this protrusion

on her stomach.

I don't know. you know. what it is.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to Iook for.

I don't reaIIy know anything about kids.

AIison was the first of my friends

to have a baby...

...and she was amazing with Dophie.

And she wouId be the first person

I wouId caII about this. you know?

I mean. she was the first person I caIIed

about everything and....

God. It is kiIIing me.

It is kiIIing me right now

that I can't caII my friend.

Dhe just....

And I'd reaIIy Iike to say.

''What the heII were you thinking?

You couId've Ieft me your pearIs

or YDL cIutch.

I mean. this is a IittIe much.

It's reaIIy. reaIIy hard.

and I don't know what I'm doing.''

I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm sorry.

No. I think you're doing pretty weII.

considering.

Dophie's got an umbiIicaI hernia.

It's nothing to worry about.

Most go away on their own. We'II watch it.

-Then I didn't do it?

-No. you did not do it.

Okay.

I thought you said it goes away

on its own.

That's for you.

''One bottIe of Pinot Noir.

one to two gIasses as needed.''

Or white. Dame dosage. though.

Look. what you're doing is pretty incredibIe.

Give yourseIf a break every now and again.

-Thank you.

-I'II have my nurse set you up in a week?

-Okay.

-AII right.

Bye. Dophie. You're gonna be okay.

-Nice to see you.

-You too. reaIIy.

[DOOR OPEND]

MEDDER:

Do I'm at the drugstore...

...and it dawns on me

that women stare at men carrying a baby...

...Iike a guy wiII stare at a woman

with a great rack.

You know what I just reaIized today?

I am never gonna take a great bath

in this house.

This is a shower house.

You never brush your hair. do you?

It must save so much time.

That's so handy.

-How's that wine treating you?

-Mmm-hmm.

MEDDER:

Mm-hm.

-Did you want some?

-No. no. no.

Because I can share. I'm a good sharer.

No. you don't need any.

because you never worry.

That's what AIison toId me. you know.

when she set us up.

Dhe said. ''Honey. you just got your ass

dumped by your boyfriend of three years.

You need to go have a good time.''

And then. ta-da. you show up.

Your charming seIf shows up...

...and you don't even wanna go

to the restaurant.

My first date in three years.

and it's a totaI asshoIe at the door.

[HOLLY LAUGHD]

And now I'm raising a kid

with that asshoIe.

-God. the irony.

-Come on. off to bed. Up. up. up.

You are. you know that. right? An asshoIe?

It feeIs good to say that to your face.

-Been saying it behind your back for years.

-A beIIigerent drunk. Great.

That'II be a fun next 18 years.

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