Life as We Know It Page #7

You know why? Because they're my kids.

I hate other peopIe's kids.

That's your baby in there.

Whatever the meter is. tripIe it.

You'II be the best-paid babysitter

in the state.

PIease.

-What if she wakes up?

-Dhe's not gonna wake up. I pro-- Oh!

Look. It's her ducky.

-In case of an emergency.

-Better not be no emergencies.

-There won't be.

-Better not!

ANNOUNCER:

The final seconds of this first half....

Ready Camera 3. And go 3.

--feeding it off, and the basket....

-Dimon. give me the scoring Ieaders. pIease.

-No one's ever said ''pIease'' to me before.

[CELL PHONE RINGD]

-Who's caIIing?

-It's the new sitter.

-Yeah?

-The baby woke up! The baby woke up.

Hey. there's this great game going on.

You shouId check it out.

Cameras 4 and 6.

4 ready by the baII. 2 by the basket.

Okay. sniff her butt.

Dee if she needs to be changed.

I'm not sniffing this baby's booty.

Man. what are you feeding this girI?

It's Iike a dirty bomb.

It's Iike eggs and peanut butter.

-I'II be down at haIftime.

-Halftime? Are you crazy?

HaIftime!

Okay. okay. okay. here we go. man.

Okay. okay. Oh. my God!

Okay. Okay. AII right.

AII right. we're haIfway there. WaIter.

-AII right. here we go.

-No. no. no.

No. pIease. Iisten. WaIter. pIease.

-Know what? Here. Take the whoIe waIIet.

-I don't want your waIIet.

You know what I want?

I want a nice. comfy seat inside...

...next to some big-screen TVs--

No kids in the booth. I'm sorry.

You gotta sit out here.

-Baby wanna see game?

-Baby doesn't wanna.

[IN BABY VOICE]

Baby wanna see game?

Baby wanna see game.

[TOY DQUEAKD]

MEDDER:

Hey. everybody.

This is Dophie and her nanny. WaIter.

Day hi.

AII right. here you go.

Big cushy chair. new monitors.

Drinks are in the fridge.

No beer tiII after the game. okay?

Nice. I never seen a game Iike this before.

Now we're taIking.

-Do you're good?

-I'm good.

AII right.

AII right. peopIe. second haIf.

Let's do this.

-Did you get him through a service?

-Uh. yep.

-Yeah?

-Yep.

-He's your cab driver. isn't he?

-Yep.

Yeah.

ANNOUNCER:

Twenty seconds to go, Hawks down by 1.

[CRYING]

-No doubt they'll play for the last shot.

-AII right. Camera 4. stay with Johnson.

Liz. teII Camera 4 to stay with Johnson.

Come on.

-I can bareIy hear you. Messer.

-A fouI? Come on. man!

MEDDER:

Okay. ready Camera 6.

-WaIter. she's crying.

-I know. I'm trying to watch the game.

-You are the worst babysitter of aII time.

-Because I'm not a babysitter.

Do something.

PIease. I'm dying over here.

AII right. Camera 2. stay with Bibby--

Johnson.

AII right. stay with the shooter

on Camera 2--

No. I mean. Camera 1.

Stay on 1, 1, 1.

Camera 2. stay with the-- Camera 1--

ANNOUNCER:

Alley-oop, and the Hawks win.

Unbelievable play by Atlanta.

Hawks win by 1.

Hands down, the best game of the year.

Too bad you all couldn't see it.

[DINGING]

But l'm a creep

l'm a weirdo

-What the hell--?

-What are you singing to her?

Everybody Iikes Radiohead.

Do you mind?

What the hell am l doing here?

l don't belong here

Mmm, mmm

[WHIDPERING]

Dee?

ToId you it works.

[WHIDPERING]

You know. wouId it kiII you to--?

-Dhh.

-You shh!

WouId it kiII you

to brighten the mood around here?

-Yeah. it might.

-Come on.

Why shouId I pretend to be happy?

I'm miserabIe. Let me be miserabIe.

-It's depressing.

-I don't care.

Know what? I am so sick

of aII your dark IittIe comments.

I ruined my Iife for her.

I'm so sorry parenting isn't as fun

as you thought it was gonna be.

Yeah. you're happy

because your oId Iife sucked.

-My oId Iife didn't suck.

-It did.

My Iife was great.

I was my own boss. I made my own hours.

-I had free time.

-To do what? Bake more?

-God.

-You have no idea what a great Iife is.

I had a great Iife.

I went to games for a Iiving.

Okay? GirIs wouId buy me drinks

and throw themseIves at me.

You see this shirt?

I sIept with the girI who soId me this shirt.

You're disgusting.

PeopIe say you can't have it aII.

I had it aII. It was awesome.

Of course you think that's awesome.

because aII you care about is getting Iaid.

Even Peter was embarrassed by you.

He just never said anything to your face

because he was twice the man you are.

You shouId get Iaid yourseIf.

Except to have sex...

...you gotta find somebody

who can stand you first.

[WHIDPERD]

F*** you.

[WHIDPERD]

F*** you.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

You shouIdn't ride a motorcycIe.

Your kid's parents died in a car--

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

Dhe is not my kid.

Dhe's not my kid.

Then whose kid is she?

[DIGHD]

[DOOR OPEND]

[DOOR CLODED]

PETER [ON Tv]:

We'll do this again. One, two--

I'm sorry. Messer.

-I didn't mean it.

-It's aII right.

You know. I broke my back when I was 1 7.

I was aImost paraIyzed.

And Pete spent that whoIe summer

with me in my room...

...watching movies every day.

AII my friends went out to the beach

or went off to chase girIs...

...but he just sat there with me

the whoIe time.

I can't Ieave him aIone

when he needs me.

Even if he's gone.

I dug up some of their oId home movies

because. you know. I was just....

I just wanted to hear their voices.

see them a minute. you know?

And I found this one.

and you've gotta see this.

PETER:

Ta-da. Ha-ha-ha.

Pretty great, huh? l went with the lavender

and then the blue sky, like we talked about.

-When did you paint this room?

-l did it when you were at the hospital.

ALIDON:

You were supposed to do it three days ago.

lt smells like paint fumes in here.

PETER:
lt's been drying for 1 2 hours.

-lt has not been drying long enough.

-You're getting so critical.

-She can't sleep in the bedroom tonight.

lt's not even wet.

l wouldn't bring a baby into a wet room.

ALIDON:
Of course it's not wet, but you

think it doesn't smell for days afterwards?

lt doesn't. lt's totally aired out.

You know how much work l put into this?

You didn't do any of this.

When have you painted a cloud in your life?

-l oversaw the work that was being done.

-You oversaw it?

The one thing you said you would do,

you oversaw?

l got creative. The guy came in,

and l said, ''Let's do the clouds.''

-This is ridiculous. She can't sleep here.

-Of course she can.

-Move the crib.

-This is her room. Where else--?

Do you're saying it's okay

that we're horribIe parents...

...and wanna kiII each other haIf the time.

-Two-thirds. actuaIIy.

-Yep.

I think we have to just stop trying

to fit ourseIves into their Iives.

You know. I hate this pIace.

It's Iike a mausoIeum in here.

You know.

there's pictures of them everywhere.

And I reaIIy hate that cowboy painting.

-He's reaIIy creepy. right?

-Yeah. I want it out.

If we're gonna Iive here.

we have to stop tiptoeing around...

...Iike they're coming back soon.

They're not coming back.

HOLLY:

This side has to-- No.

MEDDER:
That good right there?

-No.

-Looks good right there.

-Okay. Iike that.

Morning. Messer.

Morning...

...JiII.

-Oh. and thank you for dinner.

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote