Life Happens Page #3

plus three.

Right. Okay.

Yeah. Who let the dogs in?

(IMITATES DOG BARKING)

Barry Robert Philips.

Francesca's one of my dearest

and closest friends.

Of course she is.

Enjoy.

Thanks.

Who put the dogs in...

Woof, woof. What's up?

Listen, we are on the list...

Probably under Wellingood.

Saul, first name.

Saul Wellingood.

Saul Wellingood.

I'm sorry,

it's not on the list.

Why don't you

check our friend,

Leakin comma Rufus?

Rufus Leakin?

Guys, come on,

that's not even funny.

Here's the truth,

we're not on the list,

but my grandfather

was a racing greyhound.

And he passed away

due to greyhound bloat.

He was very close to me,

and my grandmother

and he died of

greyhound bloat.

They said to

wait up front.

It's gonna be three of us.

That's all, just us

three, there's not

a lot of guys here.

And we just wanna

pay tribute

to all of those

that have lost their

lives to the bloat.

They're harmless.

I promise.

Speak for yourself.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. I'm Johnny Danger.

You know what? It's fine.

Fantastic!

Yes! Whoo!

Do I get a...

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

SERGEl:
All right,

party people!

Your name?

WOMAN:
Grossman.

Okay.

Hey, sorry.

Oh, sorry.

Forgot my stamp.

Oh.

Thank you.

When you get done

with the clipboard,

maybe I can buy you a drink?

It's actually

an open bar, so...

Even better. I can

request you a drink

and then serve it to you

on a little drink napkin.

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay. I'll see you

inside. Thank you.

Hi. Sorry.

Yoga pose, plus baby.

Good for inner core.

Tests balance.

Lunges, plus baby,

adds twenty pounds.

Cuts your reps in half.

Oh, oh!

No, it's so gross! God!

Let's go get cleaned up.

You like being naked,

Max, don't you?

Yes, you do.

You and every other man.

Huh? Hee!

(COOING)

DEENA:
Deena's baby

workout video, colon.

Bench press

makes baby nauseous.

Keep this on the DL, Max.

This sh*t's gonna

make me a millionaire.

Kim. This...

This dress you got me,

you would actually

really wear this?

Yeah.

People have been giving me

weird looks all night.

Maybe it's my coat.

Do I still look

21 -year-old hot?

You look the same as always.

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

We made a shitload of money

for those greyhounds.

I'm convinced

that in our lifetime,

we're gonna see

the eradication

of greyhound bloat.

In our lifetime.

You're such a sheeple.

You're bringing

the whole party down.

Give... That's my coat.

Go get a drink.

God, you're boring.

Are you sure?

I think so.

Okay. Thanks, Francesca.

You're welcome.

First thing in the morning,

I need you to focus

on that PETA event.

Okay.

All right?

Hi!

And don't ever bring

your baby to work again.

All right? Yeah. Yeah.

Again, I'm really

sorry about that.

It just, it makes me

crazy nowadays that

people have children

when there are so many dogs

that need forever homes.

Yeah. I understand...

Doesn't it drive you

crazy when you see

pictures of Heidi Klum

and she's bounced back

so quick after

having four kids?

Hey, gorgeous.

Barry Robert Philips!

Oh, my God,

you're gorgeous.

I'm kind of mad

at you, though.

Laura!

LAURA:
Oh, my gosh!

Kim. Thank goodness

you are done.

Can we please,

please go home?

Come on. Let's stay.

I'm not in sweatpants,

and I never get to go out.

(GROANS)

Ooh! He's cute!

Who?

Over there.

Oh, my God!

I know!

I met him outside.

He's walking

over here right now.

What?

Yeah. I'm gonna

go to the bathroom.

Good luck.

No. Laura, don't go.

Don't leave me!

Work it out.

Work it out.

Hey.

Oh!

Hi!

Hi.

I didn't see you

coming over here.

I was just texting somebody.

Well, I'm Nicholas.

I didn't get a chance

to introduce myself earlier.

(CHUCKLES)

And you are?

Kim. Sorry. Kim.

Kim is my name.

Hi, Kim.

Hi.

So, you work for

the Greyhound Association?

Well, I work for

the woman who throws

these weird dog events.

And she also has

a dog walking company,

so I sort of

am a dog walker

slash personal assistant,

slash loser,

peon, mole person.

Did you always wanna be

a loser, peon, mole person

when you grew up?

Well, ever since

I was little,

I've always wanted to open

the world's first doggy mall.

I even commissioned

an architectural model.

(LAUGHS) What the hell

is a "doggy mall"?

You know, it's like

a full-sized mall,

but all the stores

cater to dogs.

Okay.

Whatever. My plans are

kind of on the back burner.

Why are they on

the back burner?

Because

life happens.

Well...

Cheers.

To life happening.

Lift the baby

and feel the burn.

Then, go into a slow squat

to get your ass

lifted like no other.

I feel like I haven't

flirted with a girl in,

like, five years.

So, you're flirting with me?

Is that what's going on?

You're flirting.

I am not flirting!

Yes, you are.

You're blushing.

Well, you're

sweating profusely.

You're breaking out in hives.

Am I really?

No, I'm kidding.

No. It's not funny.

I sometimes do

break out in hives

if I get, like...

It's not contagious.

It's just like, if I

get nervous or something.

Come on.

Clearly I'm the one

who should be nervous.

Dude.

Sergei's on the phone

with his old lady.

His kid has diarrhea.

Hi.

Hi.

He's freaking out.

Unbelievable.

The one night

I decide to go out

since the kid was born

and he has to get sick?

Is it coincidence?

I don't think...

I swear he's out to get me.

Yeah, I can tell.

I can see it in

his eyes, you know?

You know, with those

creepy, little baby hands...

He's vindictive.

It's over. It's all over,

my sex life, my guys'

nights out. This is...

It's done. It's done.

Promise me you will

sooner cut off your

balls than have kids.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

I'm gonna get my car.

(SIGHS)

All right,

we gotta go then.

We?

Yes!

Sorry. Sergei

used to be normal.

Kids! What a buzzkill, huh?

But I had a great time.

I'm just awkward.

What are you... What?

Oh, sorry,

you have something on the...

Oh, that's just puke.

It's baby puke.

My roommate has a baby.

And, sometimes,

you know, sometimes...

That's what they do.

Kids! What a buzzkill, right?

(DISTORTED)

So, listen...

Hey.

Laura!

We have to go.

I thought you

really wanted to stay.

Yeah, remember,

I have to do that thing.

What thing?

Bye. We gotta go.

LAURA:
Deena!

KIM:
(SHUSHING)

Max's probably sleeping.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Let me sleep,

you freaks.

Wake up.

You have to hear this.

Kim was talking to

a guy, and she lied

about having a baby.

What?

I didn't mean to.

It just came out.

But you should

have seen him.

He was really hot.

Like a Greek statue.

Don't say that.

Those guys suffer

from small c*cks.

Only because the small

penis was seen as

a sign of refinement.

Big ones were vulgar.

Plus the Olympics

were done naked,

so they didn't want

sh*t flapping around...

What?

Guys! I feel horrible.

I lied about being a mom.

I lied to get

a guy to like me.

I'm one of those lame

girls who jack it up

for the rest of us.

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