Life Happens Page #5

Are you guys

free for a playdate?

Okay, chubbo, there you go.

You, little fatty.

PATTl:
Is that

your friend Max?

Whatever.

How did you do that?

That thing has literally

never turned on.

We have that same one.

It sticks,

you gotta jam the button.

Oh, my God, thank you!

So where are you

and your husband going

on your big date tonight?

It's a guy that I just met.

I'm not married.

Oh!

Wow! How do you think

that's gonna affect Max?

You know, having

a constant stream of men

coming in and

out of your life?

Well, I wouldn't

necessarily call it

a constant stream of men,

I mean, I wish, right?

God, a single mother!

That is a cross to bear.

I think about

that all the time,

how hard this would be

to do alone.

I mean, I know I'm so

lucky to have Brock.

Do you have family

at least to help?

Actually, my parents died

when I was little,

so I was raised by

my Pop Pop.

Oh, my God,

you poor thing!

No, no, it's fine.

I've always

kind of done things

a little differently.

It's kinda like my thing.

Winston Churchill,

St. Augustine,

Floyd Mayweather, 50 Cent,

Jack Nicholson, Barack Obama

and my cousin Taylor

were all bastards

and they turned out

just fine.

Women carry the baby,

they birth the baby,

they feed the baby.

Fathers are

totally antiquated.

(NERVOUS LAUGH) I don't

actually think that

fathers are antiquated.

Really? That's so weird,

'cause I'm pretty sure

it was you

who helped me come up

with my chapter of

"Fathers Are Antiquated."

Patti, meet Deena.

Deena, this is Patti.

Hi!

Hi.

Look at me. After

I had JJJ, I just realized

I couldn't do it all.

I mean, you gotta

shift your priorities.

It's a full time job,

even with a husband,

being a mom.

I was trying to go to work,

then go to a playdate,

then go to Mommy and Me,

change a diaper,

still see friends,

I was gonna lose my mind.

I was gonna lose my mind.

Yeah, it does seem

overwhelming sometimes,

especially now

that he's getting

so much bigger.

I know, 'cause then

they know when

you're not there, right?

Whoa, whoa.

Why are you both

propagating these myths?

We live in a time

where women can

finally have it all.

Sexual empowerment,

a great career,

money, family

and a man at home

with dishpan hands

if she so desires, or not.

This is a really,

really exciting time

for women.

Says the woman who

doesn't have kids.

Right, Kim?

Oh, you know what?

I gotta go.

She needs a nap and

I gotta start dinner,

but thank you

so much for this.

And please, promise me

you're gonna call me

and you're gonna

come to Caf Chez Bb,

because you're gonna love it.

There's babies,

and moms and coffee,

and it's crazy

and it's cathartic.

Sure. Okay.

Okay. Love it.

Let us walk you out.

Oh! Mickey.

So, call me next week

or something?

This was so good.

Great. Thank you.

It was so fun.

Say bye.

(IMITATES KISSING)

Oh, I think

they are in love.

See you later. Bye.

Okay. Bye.

I thought

she'd never leave.

What a sanctimommy!

Can you be nice?

What? Like she was to you?

"A cross to bear"?

Are you kidding me?

Okay, she didn't

mean it like that.

And, you know,

I could use a couple

of mom friends.

Why?

Because, Deena,

believe it or not,

there are certain things

that I can't get from you.

Like what?

Okay.

You know I've never

taken Max's temperature

because we thought

that you had to do it anally.

Well, she just gave me

these little strips,

and all you do is like

stick it on his forehead.

And she also fixed

the bouncing chair

and, I don't know,

other stuff.

Christ, Kim,

pretty soon you're gonna be

watching soap operas

in your sneaker clogs

and talking about

Max's bowel movements

like they're fine art.

Well, it's not like

you don't have

separate friends.

I heard you telling

Jayde or whatever about

your big meeting and

you didn't even tell me.

Whatever. She's obviously

way more fabulous than I am.

Dude,

we just haven't been home

at the same time.

I mean, what do

you wanna know?

Well, nothing now,

because I have

to go, all right?

We'll talk about it

later at the group date.

Okay.

(DEENA'S CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey.

Yikes, who died?

Oh, sorry, it's nothing.

What's up?

I just scored us VIP passes

for The National

at a private venue.

You're kidding me?

No, I'm for real serious.

I can't tonight, man,

I got plans.

I got another call

coming in, tchose!

Hey, I just scored

VIP passes for The National

at a private venue.

No way, take me.

This seat is taken.

Move on, please.

Thank you. Move along.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Group date!

Oh. Sorry.

Yay!

Yay.

How was the rest

of your day?

Well, work sucked.

I breast-fed in

a gas station bathroom,

so that was awesome.

I just dropped

Max off with Laura.

So you wanna hear

about my meeting?

Oh, right. I'm sorry,

I totally forgot.

Pauline got me

a meeting to...

Can I get a glass

of water, please?

...pitch "Separating Yourself

from the B*tches,"

which clearly

you're not interested in

hearing about,

so I'll just shut up.

Deena, I'm sorry,

please forgive me

for having other

things on my mind,

like the fact that this

guy is about to show up

and I'm gonna have

to blatantly lie

to him all night.

I know,

but I'm here for support

'cause you can't do

it alone, remember?

Great. Yes, I know,

but it's just not

the Deena show, okay?

(SCOFFS)

Okay.

(EXHALES)

NICHOLAS:

Hey, Kim.

Hi!

Hi.

Hi, how are you?

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you, too.

You remember

my friend, Henri?

Right. From the

other night, yeah.

Are you French?

No. (EXCLAIMS)

Baby, you are the sexiest

thing I have ever seen.

So this must be

your roommate with the baby?

Yep.

This is Max's mom,

my roommate with the baby.

Nicholas, meet Deena.

Hi.

Deena,

this is Nicholas.

She didn't tell me

that she told you

about my baby.

Whoops!

Actually, I met him.

He is so cute.

He is cute.

It must be just so nice

to live with

a built in babysitter.

It is so nice to have

someone you can rely on

for pretty much everything.

Yeah! I can see you.

Child on your hip.

Born to be a mom.

And I see you.

Mustache on your face.

Profiled on

To Catch a Predator.

Whoa!

(NICHOLAS CLEARS THROAT)

Should we go get a table?

Yes.

Should we sit somewhere?

So, no stretch marks?

Not one? How did

you manage that?

Oh, no, there's

a cream I saw...

Yeah, Henri,

you know what?

Will you help me

carry some drink menus back?

Yeah.

This one. I like this one.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Are you kidding me?

He could have

been anyone's kid.

Why did you make him mine?

I'm sorry, it just came out!

Please, you have to

go along with it.

Okay. You wanna

see the Deena show?

The truth is,

I was sleeping with

loads of guys

when I got pregnant.

But I think the father is

an Australian pro surfer.

(LAUGHING) Obviously,

she's kidding.

No, I'm not.

Obviously, she knows

that the father is Marc,

and to his credit,

he has good genes.

He ditched me.

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