Life Happens Page #6

That's intense.

Well, he just wasn't in

the right frame of mind

to be a father and,

personally,

I think that

it's for the best.

I mean,

just because two people

have a kid together

doesn't mean that

two people have

to be together.

It's always

the kid who suffers!

Yeah. That's actually

a good point.

Frankly, it's so much better

without him around,

'cause I'm ready to

get back in the game.

I'm a player at heart.

Fantastic. It is hot

how honest you are.

So many women try to

pass themselves off

as virginal,

you know it's not true.

Well, our roommate Laura

is actually a virgin.

If it's true, fine.

But if it's not, why lie?

"Practice is the best

of all instructors."

"Publilius Syrus.

First century.

Well, Publilius,

you certainly can't pretend

once you give birth,

'cause you get

super loose, like...

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

That's only if

you don't do Kegels!

Kamikaze shots

for the table!

Thank you.

Deena, you can't drink

because you're breast-feeding.

Remember?

Tell that to

Shakespeare's mom.

Ah! Indeed.

In Shakespeare's time,

water was basically

non-potable,

and so beer was

the only thing that

people could drink,

including nursing mothers.

Yeah, I read that

New Yorker article, too.

Whatevs, I'm good to go.

I pump and dump all the time.

Sure it's frowned upon,

but, you know,

I just picked up a new

box of Milkscreen strips,

so it's all good.

Right, Kim?

Pump? Pump your breasts?

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, shots!

Thank you, Henri.

Pump it.

Pump it.

So, how did you

two girls meet?

We met in college.

It was the same

Spanish class.

Yeah, the difference

is I actually learned

to speak Spanish,

because I had

a Cuban boyfriend

who really liked it

when I stuck my fingers

straight up his ass.

I thought that was

something that you

promised yourself

you were never gonna

tell anybody about yourself.

We're among friends,

sharing together,

loving one another.

(LAUGHING)

Right. Right. Well.

I, Kim, never learned

anything in college,

because I was too

busy reliving my past.

You know,

the normal hick stuff,

riding cows,

slaughtering pigs,

fantasizing

about my cousin Brad.

He was your second

cousin by marriage!

Still inappropriate!

Don't mind Kim here.

She's just a little bitter,

because I've become

a sweatpant-wearing loser mom

with little mommy friends,

who's lost all sense

of self and ambition.

Well, I guess I'm

just a self-righteous,

know-it-all b*tch.

I feel like dancing.

Scoot over.

Okay.

It's lonely over there.

Are you okay?

Yeah. That?

Her and I just

have this...

You know,

like witty banter thing.

It's nothing serious.

Yeah. It's fun to watch,

but it's a little scary.

I'm sorry.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Okay. I've had enough.

And I'm ready to go.

No. No. I thought that

that was a wonderful

thing to tell him.

No, forgive me.

"Thou know'st that

this cannot be said

"A sin, nor shame,

nor loss of maidenhead

"Yet this enjoys

before it woo,

"And pampered swells

with one blood made of two."

Oh!

Okay. Just because

I know that's John Donne

does not mean

I'll forgive you.

Kim, let's go! Ten seconds.

Ten!

Okay!

Nine!

I guess we got the annoying

prerequisite group

date out of the way.

Six.

I would love to go

out with just you.

I would love that, too.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Three, two...

Friday?

Friday sounds great.

Kim, come on!

Okay, Jesus!

Sorry.

Okay.

Bye, Deena.

Oh, my gosh,

fantastic date!

So, you're gonna drive me

to my car tomorrow,

right, drunkie?

Yeah.

(RAP MUSIC

PLAYING ON RADIO)

(SWITCHES RADIO OFF)

(SWITCHES RADIO ON)

(SWITCHES RADIO OFF)

You can be a real jerk,

you know that?

(LAUGHS) Hey, Kettle,

what's up, you're black.

Oh, please. "I don't

know who the father is"?

And then the finger thing?

And don't think

I didn't notice

that huge dig about

me losing my ambition.

Oh, yeah,

that was right before

you called me

a self-righteous b*tch!

Man, what are we doing,

dude, huh?

We haven't

fought like this since

I bought those

high-waisted jeans

you said you wanted.

Yeah, and that was

seriously messed up!

You knew I was

saving up for them

for like months.

Okay. What is

the big deal, man?

The big deal is that

I like this guy! A lot.

And now it's not

just some, like,

little accidental lie.

It's a huge,

complicated mess.

We acted like

total mental patients.

I thought it was awesome!

Well, I didn't, okay?

Okay. Well...

You know how I feel

about it all, you know,

don't get

emotionally involved.

Stick to the game plan.

Bone and bolt.

It's a good

chapter subheading.

Right after

"How to never let a man

"stand in the way

of a friendship."

(SWITCHES RADIO ON)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

RECEPTIONIST:
Do you think

he's ever gonna propose?

I'm, like,

the perfect girlfriend.

I cook, I clean,

I wear sexy underwear...

Psst.

Hang up the phone.

Hang it up.

What's your name?

Rita.

Pick up a new hobby,

like skydiving or

dirt bike riding.

Don't tell him about it,

but just start

leaving your gear

around the house.

When he asks you

about it, just say,

"Oh, what? That?

That's my parachute.

"Oh, that's my

motorcycle helmet,

"did I not tell you

about that?"

You'll have

a ring on your finger

within the month.

Treat 'em mean,

keep 'em keen.

Live by it.

(DEENA'S CELL PHONE BEEPS)

(SIGHS)

AUTOMATED VOICE:

You have one

new voice message.

Hi, there.

I was hoping you'd pick up.

I'd really love

to hear your voice.

I mean, I heard your voice

on the answering machine,

and it made my day.

But to hear your real,

un-prerecorded voice

in person, that's

what I was hoping for.

I guess, technically,

if it's on the voice mail,

it's not in person,

but I digress.

Uh...

Wonder what

you're doing right now.

Taking care of

your little man?

Using that incredible

brain of yours to

finish your book?

Using that lean body to

work on your exercise video?

Conquering the world?

(EXHALES)

Maybe you were

thinking of me?

Uh...

I would like to see you.

If that isn't clear

from this message,

I am free on Thursday,

I am free on Friday.

Saturday is

a good day for me...

AUTOMATED VOICE:

Message deleted.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Let's see what

we're dealing

with here, buddy.

Yo.

We cool?

Yeah, we're cool.

Good.

You still down to

babysit tonight?

Sure.

Did you give Henri

my number?

Don't you mean Ohn-ree?

I'm not calling him

Ohn-frickin'-ree. He's not

even French. Did you?

Yeah. Nicholas

asked me for it.

Oh, great, because

now he's like stalker

obsessed with me, dude.

It's awesome.

MRS. CRENSHAW:

I am literally dying.

Gotta call you back.

We're just so...

It's so exciting.

So many weeks in

the best seller list

for an author like you.

I totally knew it.

We're so proud of you.

Thank you.

Are you coming to

Vegas this weekend?

Oh, my God!

Yeah.

Oh.

Mmm-hmm.

Deena Gold?

Yes.

We're ready for you.

Deena Gold?

Yeah.

Oh, my God,

I love your column.

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