Life Happens Page #7

I read it religiously.

I would love to

take you out to lunch

and get advice on

a guy I'm seeing.

Sure!

Great.

Good luck in there!

Thanks.

Call me!

Okay. So then that happened.

Do you know who that is?

Yeah.

She's a really great girl.

Come on.

Okay.

I can't believe

she knew who I was.

Hi, babe. I'm just

calling to tell you

that I'm not gonna

be able to talk today.

I'm, like, super busy,

so don't even try

to get a hold of me.

Good-bye.

Hi.

Be back by 6:
00.

Okay. I will.

They're very strict.

Okay. Thank you, Pop Pop.

Thank you, I love you.

You're a life saver.

I love you. Bye.

Hi, Max. How are you?

I know, it's horrible.

He robbed me blind.

Do you know

that I actually had

to vacay this year

in Palms Springs

instead of Hawaii?

Sounds horrible.

Well, I have such

good taste in everything,

except when it comes

to the men I marry.

(LAUGHS DRYLY)

Sweetie, she looks good.

She looks like

an obese supermodel.

Thanks, Francesca.

I kinda wanted to

talk to you about

my doggy mall.

Remember when I first

started working here,

I mentioned it and

you said you might...

You know...

So,

I was just thinking that

now might be a good time

to invest and...

Oh!

I have to wee-wee.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

FRANCESCA:
Sweetie,

what'd I say? No phones

in the office. Remember.

Turn that off.

Don't answer it.

Dude, where are you?

Call me, call me,

call me, call me, call me!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Ah!

Hello?

Please stop.

Hi. Yes, can we get

four grilled cheese

sandwiches please?

What? No.

Wrong number. God!

Stop! Stop laughing.

(SIGHS)

AUTOMATED VOICE:

Leave a message.

Mom. Dad. It's me, Deena.

Um...

Long time no speak.

Well, I just wanted

to let you know

that your wayward

black sheep daughter

has in fact sold a book.

I'm sure you

won't read it, but...

I just wanted to let you know

before someone else did. So...

That's it.

(CLEARS THROAT) Call me.

Or not.

Hey, Jayde.

Hey, girl, hey.

What are you

up to tonight?

Whoa. It's like

we share the same brain.

There's a party on Sunset,

a fashion show downtown

and then an art

opening on La Cienega.

All right, buddy,

okay. Sorry.

Just wait one

second, buddy.

Deena! Deena!

Hello, are you here?

Hey!

Hey.

Whoa! What are you wearing?

Nocturnal car wash.

Sunset and Vine.

Have you seen Deena?

No.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God!

I can't believe how

much my life blows.

Can you watch Max?

I can't. I gotta

pay the rent.

Sorry. I'm sure

Deena'll be back soon.

Oh...

ON VOICEMAIL:
Hi,

you reached Deena Gold, leave

a message after the beep.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh! Hey, Billy.

Hi. My mom told me

to bring this over. It got

delivered to our place.

Billy?

Yeah?

How old are you?

Twelve.

Do you wanna make 50 bucks?

Sure.

(SIGHS)

Hi.

Wow!

Oh, my God.

I'm so overdressed.

I thought we were

going to someplace nice.

Hey. Come on,

this place is nice.

I mean, it's not...

It's not this nice,

but they got

great onion rings.

Really. Here, sit down.

You look really pretty.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I was late.

I was...

Well, I was taking

care of Max.

Deena must be so grateful.

Uh-huh.

Listen, I kinda needed

to talk to you about

the other night.

No apology necessary.

I mean, you met my friends.

Deena is

nowhere near as bad as

those freaks, so...

Right. It's not

really about that.

Are you good?

Is everything okay?

Hope you two

are hungry.

Thank you!

You're welcome.

Mmm-hmm.

Let me know if you

need anything else.

Thank you.

Sorry, I hope you don't mind,

but I ordered every

appetizer on the menu.

Surprised?

I always do that!

Come on,

nobody always does that.

No, I really do.

My friends always

make fun of me.

They're so much

better than entrees.

I know, right?

Smaller portions.

More variety.

Get out.

Cheese sticks.

(LAUGHS)

While you go ahead

and finish chewing that

amazing cheese stick,

I'm gonna throw

coolness to the wind

and tell you that

I like you.

And I hope that

doesn't freak you out,

but I just... I like you.

And it would be great

if you would

say something kind

back to me right now.

I'm sorry,

this is just so hot.

I'm sorry.

What I really wanted

to do was be an athlete,

but it turns out

I can't run, I can't jump

and I can't catch.

So that kind of excluded me

from those things.

So I took up my new calling,

which was musical theater,

and I did

a little thing called

The Pirates of Penzance.

You may have heard of it.

I might have dominated it.

Just saying.

I'd like to see you

in some tights.

You and my grandma, both.

(LAUGHS)

What about you?

I wanna talk more

about you in tights.

Not a chance.

(LAUGHS)

Sorry. It's Deena.

If you gotta get it,

go ahead.

No, you know what?

It's cool.

It's probably nothing.

Sometimes she forgets

that I have a life too, so...

God, it must

be interesting.

What do you mean?

You know, just

living with

somebody so unestablished

who has a baby, that's all.

So, by interesting,

do you mean awful?

I just mean that

you would think

that having a baby

would force

someone to grow up.

It just doesn't seem like

that's happened for Deena.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

You don't really

know anything about her.

I'm not trying to

insult Deena at all.

I mean, having a baby

and living with roommates,

relying on them for

everything, that's horrid.

All I'm saying is that

I think that you

must be a saint

for dealing

with somebody who

so clearly

desperately needs it.

I just hope that

Deena understands that

and realizes that

she couldn't do

it without you.

I'm sorry. Will you excuse me?

I need to go to the restroom.

What is he talking about?

Relying on

people for everything.

Well, he's making

this very easy.

There's no

emotional attachment.

Just a little bone and bolt.

A little nookie,

a quick roll in the hay,

that's all this is anyway.

Okay. Let's do this.

Wait, wait, wait.

I just want you to know,

if you wanna take this slow,

I'm okay with it.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, it seems that way.

Okay, let's get naked.

Hey. Get outta here.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

You feel amazing.

Really?

Like normal amazing,

or just...

Like amazing, amazing.

(LAUGHS)

Come here.

Help, help. I'm so

bad at these things.

(MOANING)

Oh, God.

What the...

It's not what you think.

Well, what do I think?

It happens.

Breast milk just happens?

It's tribal, you know,

like, from living with Deena.

You know how women

who live together

get their periods

at the same time?

No. I didn't know that.

How do you not know that?

You're a grown man!

Sorry, but no!

Well, it's like that.

I get breast milk,

and it squirts

when I get excited.

It's a compliment, really.

(SCOFFS)

He's your baby?

He's your baby.

Well, the first hour

that I met you,

you said that

kids were a buzzkill!

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

And then you

were so judgmental

about the whole thing!

Well, even if I did,

I didn't realize

we were talking about you.

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