Life Partners Page #4

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You'll meet him. I'm gonna throw

him a party for his 80th.

I'm sorry. No, it's okay.

My dad's f***ing old.

It's funny.

He was a, uh, dirty old man

who slept with his secretary.

My mom's a slutty secretary

who slept with her boss.

It's totally funny.

It must be hard

taking care of your dad.

Hmm? I don't know.

I mean, we all end up taking care of

our parents at some point, right?

I just got a head start. Hmm.

I feel like my mom is trying to train

me to start taking care of her.

Mm-hmm.

She used to pay every time we went out

to eat, and then she just stopped.

Mm-hmm. It's not like I can't

afford a $10 sandwich.

But it just feels

like she's saying...

"I'm done with this mom sh*t"?

Yeah.

Yeah. It's sad.

Hmm. I feel like no one's

taking care of me anymore.

Aw.

Other people can

take care of you.

Oh, it's Sasha.

No. I don't wanna go.

No.

Okay, I have to go. She's

gonna be so mad at me.

No.

Okay. Do I look like

I just had sex?

All right.

I will call you when I get to the hotel.

I love you.

I mean...

I knew it.

I knew you loved me.

I didn't mean for it to come out like that.

I knew you loved me.

So you didn't mean it? No.

So you love me? I...

So you don't love me?

You love me.

You love me. I meant...

You love me. I... You love me.

I don't know. Give me a kiss.

Let me see.

I love you.

No. I do.

All right. Yeah.

What time is it?

I feel like the pool closes at 10:00.

Oh, my God. I don't think

anyone's enforcing that.

This place doesn't

even have a staff.

God, I could have taken you to a

nicer place for your birthday.

What? Are you crazy?

This is perfect.

I love how it's

right off the freeway.

No, I'm serious. Every time

I drive by this place,

I wonder who

the f*** stays here.

Well, now we know.

Truckers and us.

I can't believe this is my

last birthday in my 20s.

We were just 25.

I know. It's crazy.

I'm a 29-year-old receptionist.

But you're not

a real receptionist.

You're a musician. I know.

But being a receptionist

is the only thing...

that anyone's paying me

to do right now.

Like...

I don't know.

If I died tomorrow,

my obituary would say,

"Sasha Weiss, 29, a receptionist,

was killed today."

Why would you be killed?

Because... I don't know. I'm 29.

Something really f***ing

sudden must have happened.

God, I've been

feeling old lately too.

I feel like there are certain

things I can't do anymore,

like sit on the floor

at airports.

I still do that.

Oh, I still do it.

I just feel like

everybody's looking at me...

like, "That woman is too old

to be sitting on the floor."

Yeah. Growing up sucks.

No, it doesn't.

What? Don't you wish you were 21?

God, no.

I was so insecure.

But...

when you're 21,

it's... just easier.

Right?

It's okay to be

a receptionist...

and eat like sh*t and just

date people for fun...

and sit on the floor.

And remember, you and I used

to hang out all the time.

And we'd make stupid videos that

no one thought was funny but us.

Sasha.

Sasha, what's wrong? Nothing.

Ignore me. No.

Don't. No. Please, tell me.

Nothing. I just...

I miss that sometimes.

But what's changed?

I'm still here.

I'm not going anywhere.

We're still the only ones

who think we're funny.

Shut up.

Shh. Come here.

I love you. I love you.

Oh, my God. You're a genius.

Oh! Yes.

Fitz stickers. I knew you'd

love it, you f***ing loser.

We're playing right now.

Duh. Do you know how long I've

been looking forward to this trip?

Oh, really? Yes.

Do you think Tim would

play Girl Talk with me?

He can't even be in the room

when I watch Real Housewives.

I know.

I have to binge on this

sh*t when I'm with you.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe I forgot.

I brought pink wine.

No! I did.

Oh, my God.

Do we have a wine opener?

Uh, no, darling.

It's a twist-off.

Mmm.

Oh, my God. Girl Talk.

Drunk Girl Talk.

Drunk Talk. Mm!

Girl Drunk. It's so bad.

Tim's calling you.

Ew! How dare you call me

during Sasha's birthday.

Ignore you.

Oh.

"Go find a clue

to your future career choice."

"On the sixth page

of the Yellow Pages."

What?

A pipe burst at Tim's

dad's retirement home.

He has to take him to a hotel.

I really feel like

I should call him.

Yeah. Call him.

It's okay. Go. Go. Call him.

I'm so sorry. It's okay.

Long day for investors

on Wall Street.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average

fell one and a half percent.

Hey! I was gonna take that spot.

I didn't see the name

"B*tch" written on it.

Get out of there! No!

Ugh. Seriously.

Okay, so you know that girl I told

you about? I met her last week.

And she's the one whose roommate

might or might not be her ex.

Yeah. Who knows?

Okay, well, I texted her

as soon as I met her...

and then never heard back.

And then I just got

a text just now...

saying,

"See you tonight at 8:00."

Is she texting the wrong person, or am I

supposed to be at some event at 8:00?

I don't know. Ask her.

Well, no, I can't ask her.

Because what if she texted

the wrong person?

And then I'm just asking

if she's inviting me out,

and then she's gonna have to re-blow

me off. Then don't text her.

No, but if she did

mean to text me...

and if she was just playing

it cool this whole week...

and then she's expecting to see

me and then I don't show up,

then I'm blowing her off.

I don't know, Sasha.

Oh.

I'm sorry. Too mature for this

now that you have a boyfriend...

and you spend the whole weekend

roasting a chicken together?

How do you know that?

You posted it on Instagram.

I'm just giving you sh*t.

Let me see that text. No.

No, no, show it to me.

I wanna know. No.

Well, maybe if I see it, I can

figure out what she meant.

It's fine. It's totally fine.

All right.

I mean... What?

That's how it's supposed to look.

Okay.

What are you thinking about?

Nothing.

What is it?

All right, I gotta talk

to you about something.

Don't freak out.

But...

I found something

on my back the other day.

What, like a mole? Yeah.

But...

But you're a dermatologist.

I... Yeah, well,

dermatologists can

also get skin cancer.

You have cancer? No, no, no.

I don't know that.

I don't know that. I'm waiting

on some results. I just want...

Show me.

I don't... It's gross.

I don't want...

Tim. It's gross. I

don't wanna show you.

I don't care. Whatever.

Tim, show me the mole.

Come on. Show it to me. Tim.

I don't wanna show you.

All right. It's near the top.

Should I be worried?

Yes.

I mean no.

I mean...

Yes, I'll marry you. Really?

Yes. Oh!

Oh. Oh, my God.

How could you do that to me?

You f***ing a**hole.

I wanted us to have a good story.

Don't you want a good story?

F*** you.

Who wrote that on your back?

Dr. Schaffer.

With his little lady hands?

Those are the ones. Mmm.

Oh, my God.

Tim.

Now that you've said yes...

Mm-hmm.

Let me tell you, you did such

a shitty job with that tent.

Hey!

You wanna hear

something f***ed-up?

Yeah. Okay. Sure.

They did peer reviews at my work today.

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