Little Bitches Page #4

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just leave us alone?

Okay, for just today?

I was trying to

go to the bathroom.

Okay, go in the gym.

- Can we please just talk...?

- Hall passes.

Andy, are you shitting me, dude?

It is the last day of school.

You are not a Navy seal.

Okay, well, that was

inappropriate language.

Offensive clothing.

And the verdict for both

of you is detention.

What?

F*** you.

Yeah, uh-huh.

And I hope your

computer crashes,

and you lose sh*t

you didn't save.

Take that back.

No.

Please take that back.

No, I will not.

Andy, Andy, Andy.

You know, it is the very

last day of school.

Andy, you're so cute.

No, I'm not.

You are. Do you think

you could just

let us off the hook

just this one time, please?

Well...

Pretty please?

Sure. Okay.

I don't think so.

The only thing getting

hard today is your lives.

Because your evil voodoo-vagina

magic doesn't work on me.

Because I masturbated

this morning,

and I'm good till

9 or 9:
30.

Maybe if it was 9:45

and I was alone in my room,

we could've worked

something out.

All right.

Here you are.

Have a nice day, ladies.

Thank you.

Let's all hang out sometime.

You know, Andy,

I hope you f***ing

sneeze and sh*t yourself

on accident, dude.

And slip and fall

in a puddle of shitty...

What?

...sh*t-covered rhino d*cks.

I don't have a charger.

Thank you.

Okay, if your application

was so perfect, Kelly,

then why do you need

my approval?

I just need your signature.

Must be nice having

it all figured out, huh?

Excuse me?

I know you hired an outside

college counselor to help you.

Probably to spite me.

No, actually.

It's because you seem unwell.

You'll go to Stanford.

Oh, yeah, sure, you'll love it.

An amazing job will just fall

into that creamy lap.

You'll fall in love

with a doctor

with a devastating jawline.

I had a man like that once.

Should I say he had me?

What?

Listen, this doesn't work on me.

I don't care, okay?

Okay, can you please

just sign my application,

so I can turn it in today?

Oh, god. It's not due

for three weeks.

You don't get extra credit

for handing it in early.

Such a you thing to do.

My mother is planning

a going-away party

for the application.

We're all gonna gather

around the mailbox,

and she invited

all of her friends.

What if you don't get in?

Can you please

just sign my application?

No, I cannot.

How's your tummy?

You're looking a little pale.

Killing it, but pale.

Thank you.

I wonder where the party is.

Here.

God, I look pale?

Do you have, uh, like, makeup?

What, have we met?

Yo, I been meaning

to ask you, um...

you been masturbating?

Yeah.

Yeah, how much?

The usual amount.

Why? Did you hear something?

Um...

Well, what's, like,

your average?

Probably three to five times...

A day?

Oh, my god.

What, are you like a guy?

No, obviously not. Like,

three to five times a week.

What? That's it?

Okay.

Look, I don't know,

okay? Honestly.

How many times do you do it?

Whoa.

Annie. Um, personal.

I don't know.

Like 35 times a day.

F***. Are you kidding me?

I'm messing with you.

Oh, the whole time.

God.

I rode my bed the other day.

O-oh?

I dry-humped the corner

of my mattress.

Well...

probably gonna do it again.

Good for you.

Yup. It was cool.

How do you know

if you find your clitoris?

I'm touching down there,

feels great, could be better.

You just pop the hood.

Okay. Cool.

Annie.

Let me holler at you for a sec.

Let me spit you

something I wrote.

No, no, no.

You know what,

I'm gonna go off top.

I'm gonna go off top.

I just wanna let you know

that you're beautiful.

That I feel you, you know?

I feel like...

Like we're the same

in a sort of way, you know?

Honestly, if I came here tonight

and I didn't say anything,

I'd be mad regretful,

so here's me saying...

I think we'd be great together.

I just think we'd be lit.

I've always thought so.

So, what's up?

You with it?

Well, this is so unexpected.

Damn. Hot damn.

Oh, hey.

Oh!

Chug-offs aren't fair.

You don't have a gag reflex.

Yeah, I do. I'm a champ.

I'm f***ing queen of the world!

Oh, okay.

You ever seen

an uncircumcised penis?

Yeah, um...

you seen those videos of, like,

people giving birth

and the baby's head crowning?

What? No.

Pushing through? No?

Mm-mm.

Uh, what about, like,

those sausage biscuits?

A little, uh, pig in a blanket?

No. I've no idea.

I'm starving.

You hungry?

Not anymore.

Actually, yes, I'm very hungry.

Annie.

Is that Sarah Richter?

- Oh, wow!

- She looks different,

but that is her.

She's the new custodian.

Annie, she's a janitor.

Bet she probably just cleaned

the sh*t out of the toilet.

No. No.

Yeah.

Oh, I hope not.

Oh, my god,

dude, she's pregnant.

Remember when we egged her

freshman year?

I almost feel bad.

Almost.

You know what?

I would not mind

getting knocked up one day.

What?

I'm just saying, like...

I don't wanna have a kid,

but, yeah,

I wanna get knocked up.

Okay.

I feel like orgasms

are hard to come by.

Probably.

I came close once at a recital.

Yeah?

Yes.

I actually just peed.

But it was really warm,

and it felt really good.

What the f***?

Okay, hold on.

So you and Phil.

Wait. Wait a sec, okay?

Kelly still loves us.

It doesn't matter,

regardless of the letters

and other girls.

Shut the f*** up about Kelly.

All right?

Just, like, stop.

You don't think

about our future, do you?

Everything's gonna change

next year.

I'm living in the moment.

If you got a foot in the past,

and a foot in the future,

you're pissing on the present.

Sure. Um,

what do I got to do?

Really?

Yeah.

I wanna go to the party.

If our friendship's dying,

then you know I wanna be

at that funeral.

Okay.

I'll go.

But, uh, we gotta do something

I've been wanting to do

for a real long time.

Ha, ha!

Okay. All right.

Okay.

This just feels

a little extreme, Marisa,

breaking the law and everything.

I don't wanna go to jail.

I'm not ready

to be a lesbian yet.

No, baby,

you don't gotta be gay to play.

Oh!

Just testing it out.

Look, I got this.

All right? I got me. I got you.

I got us. I got a game plan.

We got this in the f***ing bag.

Okay.

Just breathe,

count to, like, 30.

Got it. Okay. Good luck.

It's fine. I'll be back.

Okay. Have fun.

Don't f***ing move, Annie.

Okay.

F***.

Okay, okay, okay.

Run, b*tch! Go! Let's go!

Go, go, go!

I got the money, bunny.

I am living in this moment!

Oh, my god.

We did it! That's how we do.

That's how we do.

Let's scratch off.

Keep that

high spirit rolling, Annie.

Come on! Dude, shake your hand.

I can't. I'm driving.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, where did he

get a brick though?

Dude, f*** if I know.

He's an old man.

What? Maybe...

He had it, like, sitting around

for exactly this situation

and took it.

He knew what was happening.

Annie, that is f***ed up!

I love it!

I love it so much.

Dude, I know old man withers

couldn't catch up with me.

Like, f*** the system.

Corporate America is going down.

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