Little Black Book Page #4

- Sounds great. Why'd you split?

- Oh, same old, same old.

Schedules. Travel. Temptation.

- He cheated.

- No! I did. All the time.

But he stuck around

like a lovesick puppy.

Finally, I asked him to go back

to his old girlfriend.

She called all the time,

begging him, pleading.

- She was desperate.

- Joyce?

- How'd you know her name?

- You mentioned it. She mentioned it.

- You did.

- I did?

Yeah.

Well, Joyce.

He only went back to her out of pity.

I wonder what he's doing now.

Hey, Derek. This is Lulu!

Hey, Derek. This is Lulu!

Just thought I'd give you a call

and let you know I was in town.

Cow. Quietly barfing cow.

And suddenly, my certain world

didn't seem so certain after all.

Hi, Bob. Are you hungry?

I'm not hungry.

Lulu dangled before me

like bait on a wire.

I swallowed it whole...

... and then wanted more.

It was time for the past

to meet the present.

Bob, look. A box.

I just need to clean up some stuff.

He told me to.

Just checking things out, you know?

Oh, look. Pictures.

So this is hysterical Joyce.

You don't look so desperate.

You look athletic.

And pretty. Where was this taken?

New York City Marathon. Okay.

Where you crossed the finish line.

And you were crying.

And so was Derek

while he hugs you.

There's so many neat pictures, Bob.

Rachel Keyes.

You are a podiatrist, I think?

What's with that little

minx-like smile?

What?

Can you just not look at me

like that, please?

It's making me very uncomfortable.

There. See? I'm done. Okay?

And don't judge me. Okay, Bob?

Hey, Stacy, it's me. You there?

Okay, I guess you're out with Bob.

Listen, I left my Palm at home.

I need you to go through it and

get me some numbers. Take care.

Palm?

Did you hear that, Bob?

Derek left his Palm at home.

Guess we'll have to look for it.

If I were a Palm, where would I be?

If we were Palms,

where would we be, Bob?

Where is it?

Where could it be right now?

He asked for it.

Where could it be?

Luck is when preparation

meets opportunity.

Okay, Bob?

Life's about certainty.

It's about being in control.

Password, password, password.

What would his password be?

Thank you.

What?

Go to your bed.

Go to your bed, Bob!

Seconds before opening

the metallic case...

... I envisioned all the evil

flowing into the world.

I was Pandora.

And then I got over it.

Look at that. Joyce works

at the Kaleidoscope Kitchen.

Brand-new place.

Know what that means?

It's a new entry. That place has only

been open two, three months.

How would he know that

unless they still talk?

- That's ridiculous.

- Ladies.

Hey!

We could give her a little jingle.

- "Hello, Joyce...

- Where's Leo? Where's Leo?

...Moore? We're doing research

on an upcoming episode...

...'Best Chefs in the Tri-State Area.'

No guarantees, of course,

but I was wondering if we could...

...spend a little time...

...getting to know each other better."

- Not doing it.

Now, how about that doctor he dated?

What was her name?

- Barb.

- You have to admit it's educational.

Look what you learned with Lulu.

He didn't cheat.

- I never thought he did.

- He said they had problems in bed...

...and it turns out the problem

was getting out.

Little lie. Harmless.

Unless it's a pattern.

- It's not a pattern.

- How do you know?

Say, hypothetically,

you get a dog.

- A what?

- A dog, hypothetically.

And you find out his grandfather

and father chased cars.

- Whose father?

- The dog's. In fact...

...all the males in his line,

car-chasers.

Chances are he'll chase cars.

Helpful information you can only get

by doing research.

You need to find out,

is your man a car-chaser?

- No.

- Are you sure?

People are creatures of habit.

Last one. Their behavior is patterned.

After Neil slept with half of Newark,

I found out he'd been doing it for years.

So keep yourself dumb and believe

what he tells you, or... Up to you.

- God, I hate this.

- I know.

- I hate doubt.

- You'll get over it.

Now, what was the name

of that chiropractor?

Podiatrist. Dr. Rachel Keyes.

Barb?

Yeah?

Look, make an appointment. That's all.

See how you feel once you meet her.

If you don't do the whole Kippie spiel,

at least your feet will be happy.

You wanna work

with Diane Sawyer?

You gotta learn how to do research.

In the field.

Health and Wellness Women's Clinic.

Hold, please.

Look under the hood

before you purchase the car.

Thank you for holding.

Health and Wellness Women's Clinic.

Yes, I'd like to make an appointment

with Dr. Keyes, please.

- She's booked through the month.

- Okay.

- No cancellations?

- Oh, wait.

We have one for Thursday morning.

8:
45.

- I'll take it.

- Name?

Barb Campbell-hyphen-Dunn.

And what is this regarding, please?

- Warts. Plantar warts. Hurt like hell.

- See you Thursday.

Hey, don't let the chickens out!

I was strangely calm waiting to meet

the woman Derek dated before me.

So calm, in fact,

I never questioned the gown...

... or the need for easy access.

- So when was your last period?

- My what?

- Your menses.

- I don't understand.

Okay, each month you might notice

a change in your body...

I understand what you mean.

I just don't know why

you'd want to know...

- Barbara Campbell?

- Hyphen-Dunn.

- Yes.

- I'm Dr. Keyes.

- Hi.

- Hi.

So, what brings you in here today?

- Warts.

- Warts.

- Really painful.

- All the time?

Well, mostly

when you step on them.

Heels, you know. Ouch.

I have a bit of a shoe fetish.

Stilettos.

I'm trying to stay away from them.

It's my bad.

Well, maybe you can be more specific

as to where the warts are.

- You wanna use this mirror?

- No, that's not necessary.

I'm very flexible.

They're sort of deep down.

Just look way deep down inside.

You can't really see them

unless you look inside.

Well, maybe not that way.

Why don't you just relax, Barbara.

- Okay.

- That's a good girl. There you go.

Just going to put your feet

in these stirrups.

Stirrups?

Gynecologist? Not a podiatrist?

Ten-to- 1 those aren't for the opera.

- And we'll have a little look-see.

- Look-see? Where?

Oops.

Someone left their panties on.

- Oops.

- Just...

There you go. Good girl.

Good.

- Comfy?

- Well, let's see.

I'm spread-eagle for my boyfriend's ex,

who's about to go searching for warts.

Super. Thanks.

Barbara,

you know what they say, right?

You can never be too rich, too thin,

or too far down on the table.

So let's scooch you.

There we go. Perfect.

- I'm going to insert the speculum now.

- Oh, good. Narration.

You may feel a bit of pressure.

Would you take a look at that cervix,

Nurse Kisilevsky?

Textbook. I'm not the first person

who's told you that, I'm sure.

Can't hear it enough.

It was all too horrible.

I had to avert my eyes.

Which made me focus

on a sight more horrific.

Midst what seemed like an unusual

amount of Dr. Keyes' beauty shots...

... stood a picture that jumped out.

Big. Dr. Rachel Keyes and Bob?

Stinky Bob! Why would she have a

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