Little Black Book Page #5

picture with him unless he was hers?

Worse, theirs.

I needed to take control. Fast!

Dr. Keyes,

I work with the Kippie Kann show.

You would never be interested

in being on television would you?

Call me Rachel.

I started the vitamin company about a

year and a half ago. It's just taken off.

- Oh? And look. Your picture's on it.

- I fought them on that.

Sure you did. So tell me, Rachel.

What did you have to sacrifice

to get here?

Relationships? Family? Pets?

I never wanted to settle

in order to settle down.

- You know what I'm talking about.

- Oh, yeah. Back to pets.

I noticed a picture of a dog

in the examination room.

- So happy-looking.

- Bob.

He's my ex's dog, but I raised him.

- He was such a cuddler.

- Your ex?

The dog. I could've lobbied

to keep him when we split.

But med school by day,

the book by night.

- You wrote a book?

- Here we go. Second printing.

Take one. I'll just bill you for it.

It's a play on words.

"Keyes to Your Vagina."

Clever. Oh, and there's

that picture again.

- So anyways, Bob, is it?

- Yeah, he's with Derek. My ex.

But I have visitation rights.

- Oh, really?

- Sure.

The photograph in the exam room

was taken a few weeks ago at a picnic.

A picnic? A few weeks ago?

He went on a picnic

with this self-obsessed prodigy?

- My head was spinning.

- Anyway, Barb. Good news.

Your warts have cleared up.

That's good to know.

That's good to know.

Welcome back to

"Grandma's a Hooker, So Handle lt."

Tell me, Grandma,

as a working girl...

- Stand by, mystery guest.

- Standing by.

I pull down about five grand

a weekend.

Ten if I bring a friend.

What do you say, Kippie?

What? Me?

- Talent is in place and ready to go.

- Hey. How'd it go?

- I went to third base with his ex.

- What?

But my warts have cleared up.

She was a gynecologist!

- Doorbell.

- Gyne...

- Mommy, no!

- Oh, shut up!

Ira. Can you...?

A gynecologist? Yikes.

"Yikes" does not even begin

to describe what I experienced.

- Here's your chance. Don't screw up.

- Turkey sausage.

She's an absolute freak of nature.

She's got to be, like, what, 26, 27?

She's publishing books.

She's practicing medicine.

And there's like a zillion pictures

of her in her office.

- Just her. Alone.

- Yeah.

And let's not forget the little vitamin

company that's just taken off.

- Look at the positive side.

- Which is?

He's attracted to extraordinary women.

Beautiful. Talented.

Which is why he's with you now.

The only salient information

you need to know is, did he cheat?

What? No.

She was more in love with herself.

- This is good news.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

It's just that he saw her

a few weeks ago.

They picnicked, which is totally fine.

He's completely free

to picnic with whomever.

- But why wouldn't he mention it?

- Maybe...

- He forgot?

- Maybe.

- Yeah. Okay.

- Who put those damn K's...

... all over the cue cards?

Bob, slow down.

You're rocking the Palm.

- You are so busted.

- What?

You're out with a guy. Two-foot-six.

Loves the lips. Farts a lot.

- You giving him a nice walk?

- Oh, well, actually...

...he's giving me one.

- Honey, don't let him do that.

Oh! Course not! No!

- I feel like we haven't spoken all week.

- I feel like we haven't spoken ever.

Bob, slow down.

I've been kind of busy here,

you know?

Bob. Bob. Bob! Bob!

No! We don't live here, Bob!

Come on! No!

Keyes.

Keyes?

As in "Keyes to Your Vagina," Bob?

- Traitor.

- Stace? What's going on?

- Who you talking to?

- Honey, you're not gonna believe this.

You wanna hear something funny?

Bob just dragged me up the steps

of a brownstone...

...a few blocks away from you.

- Who's the boss?

On Malverne.

You think he has a friend

in the neighborhood?

Dark-haired genius, about 5'4"?

Stace, he's a dog. Okay?

If you let him,

he'll walk all over you.

Wonder where he learned it.

Oh! Honey, I'm sorry.

I've gotta go.

Okay, call you from a hard line.

- Excuse me!

- Sorry.

- Hello?

- Who is it?

- Hello?

- Who's there?

Hello? Bob?

- Bob?

- Oh, come on, man.

- You recognize his bark?

- Stay! Sit.

- And he did.

- I'm coming down.

Bob, come on.

Come on. Down here. Down here.

I need you to be very, very quiet.

Bob?

As I squatted, holding the snout of

a dog in love with another woman...

... I sadly realized I had reached

an all-time low.

Bob! Oh, come here, sweetheart!

You little pie!

What are you doing out there?

Where's your daddy? Let's go call

Daddy. Come on, little pumpkin head.

I ran out on my mani. Where is he?

In there. With her.

Number two.

- Yes?

- Hi, it's Stacy Holt.

- Don't use my name!

- Holtenfrau. The dog-walker.

- I'm here for Steve.

- Bob!

- Bob!

- Come on up. Number two.

Did she have pictures of herself

in there?

- She was very nice.

- Thanks. That makes me feel better.

- It's vibrating.

- Really?

What are you doing?

- Give me a few minutes.

- Oh, stop that.

This little guy could make me

very happy.

Now you're officially scaring me.

- Lf it turns into a pizza, I'm getting one.

- Take that thing out of your pants.

Oh, wow. So Joyce has freckles, huh?

- All over.

- What?

And she's not self-conscious.

So many women hide their bodies

these days, but not her.

- How did you get that?

- You know...

...that little camera thing

came on against my...

And she... You know, there she is.

Jackpot.

- Look at that arrow. Should I press it?

- No.

- Why not?

- Okay. Yes.

- Oh, my God.

- There's so many.

I'm not doing this. I can't. It's like

going through someone's drawers.

Hey, Stace? Would you wear a thong

in front of your boyfriend's parents?

- Repeatedly?

- My boyfriend's parents?

"Mom, Dad, Joyce. Hawaii, '99"?

He doesn't bring girls home, huh?

Oh, look. Christmas, '98.

They went to Aspen.

I can't believe this.

He could have a sister named Joyce,

who he French kisses.

And licks.

Dare you to press the next arrow.

- Sh*t.

- How bad?

- Sh*t!

- Pornographic?

It's out of power.

- Where are we going?

- Gonna put this baby in a cradle.

- Come on.

- Okay.

Hurry up, Bob!

I'll be right back.

All systems go!

Okay!

I know.

Because you can.

Would I like to sync? Kinky.

Entertainment. Absolument.

Here's the thing... No.

- No. You'll thank me.

- I know.

Jesus.

Wow. Presenting Joyce Moore

and her cheesy music.

Make it stop. Barbara...

- Trying. Trying.

- Please make it stop.

Oh, great. Now it's frozen.

- Hey, if you can do better...

- Later.

Listen. Here's the thing.

If you're happy

with what you know...

...do you deserve explanation

about what you don't?

I mean, hypothetically, you are

in this great relationship with Neil.

- That's his name, right?

- It wasn't a good relationship with Neil.

Hypothetically.

You get married. You have kids.

You're totally and completely fulfilled.

Then Neil dies.

- Where's that dial tone coming from?

- I don't know. Does he die tragically?

Okay. Then you find out he cheated.

That he had this whole other life.

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