Little Giants Page #6

your play-by-play announcer.

What a day it is.

We're at Kevin O'Shea Stadium...

...located in pastoral Urbania, Ohio...

...scene of what's become known

as "Mania in Urbania."

Yeah, let's go.

Now shake it up.

Guys, quiet down! Hold it.

Father Kelly is kind enough

to say a prayer for our victory today.

Yeah!

Pipe down!

All right. Quiet down for chrissake!

Hey, shut up!

Go ahead, Father.

As we are about to embark on this journey

of athletic competition...

...we pause to reflect.

It is not whether you win or lose...

Giants! Giants! Giants!

What the hell?

Giants! Giants! Giants! Giants!

Giants! Giants! Giants! Giants!

Let's kill them! Come on!

They don't respect you!

Hey, Briggs, you big snot-ball,

I'll eat you for lunch!

All right. All right. All right. Guys, cool it.

One sec, coach. Paging Spike the putz!

Hey, hey! Hang on, son.

What's the matter?

That's right, Spike!

Icebox is gonna defrost you!

You're getting fired up?

Yeah, there you go, son.

Save that rage!

Uncork it on the first person you hit.

All right. All right. All right.

Enough of that.

- Relax, coach.

- We're unstoppable!

Yeah!

Hi, guys.

Becky?

Look, I just came by to wish you

good luck and have a great game.

I'll be rooting for you.

All right. Everything's gonna be okay.

- Let's talk strategy, guys.

- Strategy?

Without Becky, we're gonna be

Cream of Wheat.

Without Icebox, Spike's gonna rip off

my face and wear it on Halloween.

I'm leaving the country.

I'm going to New Mexico.

Guys, wait. I got something to show you.

- What?

- What is it?

Death shrouds.

Your name's on the back.

So the guys at the morgue

can identify the bodies.

Hold up! Gentlemen...

...this ain't just a football.

It's our lives!

Show them what we have!

Here come the Cowboys!

Let's go, guys. Come on.

Okay? Here we go. All right!

Okay. Remember, guys,

this is just a football...

...just air and pig intestines.

All right. Come on.

Let's get out there.

I can't see with this thing on!

Is this on? Is this...?

Great to see you, folks.

Welcome to the park.

Today, Kevin's peewee Cowboys

are gonna test their mini-muscles...

... against Danny's Little Giants.

Little Giants, nice touch.

- I thought you'd like that.

- Guys.

Kevin, you call it.

- Heads.

- Excuse me. How come he gets to call it?

What's the difference?

You kick off, we ram it down your throat.

We kick off, take it from you,

then ram it down your throat.

You've been bossing me around

since we were kids. Stop it.

You don't ask for things. You take them.

Like you took my ticket

to that World Series?

Guys, cut it out. You're brothers.

- Not by choice.

- I don't have to take that...

...from a guy who sunk

his last dime into a broken gas station.

It's been servicing this community

for over 40 years.

- It's a landmark.

- Ought to be a landfill.

You don't know anything

about loyalty or heart.

I would put that gas station

up against any business in this town.

- You sure?

- Yes, I am.

- Okay, fine.

- Okay, fine.

What are we talking about?

My car dealership against your gas station,

winner of this game takes it all.

- You're on.

- Fine.

I'll even let you call it. Open up your fist.

- Heads.

- Tails.

- This will be the longest day of your life.

- We'll see about that.

What am I doing?

Cowboys! Cowboys!

Win, win, win!

- Giants! Giants!

- Help us, God!

Let's make something happen.

Giants kicking off. They'll defend

the western goal to my right, your left.

Go!

All right, guys. All right.

Kicking is the key to this game.

Somebody's holding a pound of Aunt

Betty's nut butter. It's a live ball!

Cowboys recover.

That was easy.

l-formation right, 32 dive on go.

Ready. Break!

When I get finished with you...

...you'll fart out your mouth

and talk out your butt.

Is that physically possible?

Down!

Set!

Go!

- All right. All right.

- That's my boy!

Are you all right?

I think so.

I guess it is possible.

Go!

Way to hold him.

Dead meat.

Go!

Stay with him. Come on.

Touchdown, Cowboys!

This isn't American Gladiators.

That was a cheap shot.

No penalty. No penalty.

Did I pass the spelling test, Mrs. Greely?

Wow. Spike knocked him all the way back

to second grade.

- Okay, three little pigs on go. Ready.

- Wait.

- What's the three little pigs?

- Here.

Look. We're lined up strong left. Zolteck,

watch Murphy coming through the hole.

- Ready.

- Break!

Down!

Set! Go!

Blow the whistle! Blow the whistle!

Blow the whistle! Come on. Blow it!

Blow it!

Tad, you're going the wrong way.

Blow the whistle! Come on!

Blow the whistle! Blow it.

Blow it!

All right.

Down!

Set! Hut!

I should have gone to summer school.

Okay. Hanon, I want you to run

a bear trap curl...

...and try to catch the ball.

- No problem.

- Okay, guys. On two. Ready.

- Break!

Down!

Set! Go! Go! Go!

Hey, Hot Hands.

You're the best player on our team.

- Ready.

- Break!

Gonna rip your head off.

Down!

Set!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Hammersmith dives on the ball in the

end zone. Touchdown, Cowboys!

I can't see with this thing on!

That's the end of your first half.

The score:
Cowboys 21, Giants nothing.

- I'm not finished with you, Zol-fart.

- Have a nice halftime, girls.

Look at my back. Is my spine sticking out

through my uniform?

- It's hard to tell.

- I've lost feeling in the back of my leg.

- Maybe it's asleep.

- Nobody wake it.

- Hanon, call 911.

- I can't. My fingers are stuck together.

Hey, Danny, this thing's gone far enough.

Let's call it off, huh?

- It's not over.

- It's not over. You're sure?

It's halftime.

Okay, kid. Hey, there'll always be a job

for you at the full-service pumps.

Okay, guys. Listen up. We still got a shot.

A couple things go differently for us,

we're in it.

- We can do it.

- We really creamed them by showing up.

We quit. So call us if you decide

to coach softball.

- What about the second half?

- Tell them we can't come out.

- Put us on the injured list.

- Yeah.

You know, there's something

you guys should know.

When I was 10 years old,

I put myself on the injured list.

- I never got off.

- Why?

Because I didn't get picked a few times.

So I started hiding under the bleachers.

That's where we belong,

under the bleachers.

No, you don't.

You guys belong out there

with those Cowboys.

You know how I know that?

Because I belong out there with my brother.

Give us a break. You couldn't beat

Kevin O'Shea at anything.

- No, that's not true. I did beat him once.

- When?

When we were kids. We used to race

our bikes down Cherry Hill after school.

We'd race every day,

and he always beat me.

But one time, one time, I beat him.

- You beat Kevin down Cherry Hill?

- Yes, I did. He ate my dust.

- Big deal. One time.

- You know...

...one time, at Randy Cooper's swim party,

I did a back flip off the high dive.

- And my brother chickened out.

- Roger chickened out? He's a Marine.

Oh, that's nothing.

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