Little Man Page #2

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- Oh, man.

- This ain't time to be doing doughnuts.

I can't believe this, man.

Damn it, Percy.

You got a boot on the car, and you

about to get one in your butt.

- She finally got me.

- Who?

Nettie, down at Motor Vehicles.

Said I got her pregnant.

I went to family court.

I had all my receipts.

I'm out.

- Hey, yo, Percy. You forgot something.

- What?

Me!

- Come on!

- Sorry, Cal.

- They went that way.

- What'd he look like?

- Black.

- I got him.

- Dark or light?

- Medium.

Suspect is escaping on foot.

African-American male.

About 5'1 O", not real dark,

more of a mocha-caramel color.

What? You shot?

Sweet beiesus. My muscle,

I think I pulled it.

Quick. In here.

Yo, quick, put me down.

We gotta split up.

Okay.

It's late because of the stress,

not because I'm pregnant.

Please, don't even say words like "stress.

" It's not good for the baby.

Darryl, there is no baby.

- Aisle two.

- Well, why didn't you just say that?

- Okay, let's go.

- Okay, fine. Just humor me, okay?

- Okay, let's go.

- Okay.

- Enough.

- Okay, okay.

I got one!

- Come on, man.

- Do not resist. Do not resist.

- I'm not resisting.

- Wilson. Wilson. Wilson.

Come on. It's not our guy.

What? You said African-American.

Yeah, but I said a

mocha-caramel color.

He's like a Starbucks black

decaf, maybe a little cream.

- It's not our guy. Sorry about that.

- Come on, man.

- You sure?

- Yeah. He's okay.

- Wilson!

- Well, he looked mocha to me.

- Thank you.

- What?

He looked real shady. He gonna do

something else, and I'll be waiting.

- You still got the diamond?

- No.

- I had to ditch it.

- Where?

In her bag.

Calvin, now what?

We go get it.

Let's go. Come on.

Follow that car.

Yo, there they are.

- There is no baby.

- There is.

- Honey, there is no baby.

- Well, there will be.

Let's go.

Daddy, we're home.

- There's my baby girl.

- Hi, Daddy.

Who's the best daddy in

the whole, wide world?

- I am.

- I know you can do better than that.

Who's the best daddy in

the whole, wide world?

- I am.

- I can't hear you.

I'm the best daddy in

the whole, wide world!

So, what's the good news?

Dad...

I got the promotion.

Congratulations. Soon you'll make

enough money to leave that bum.

Oh, Dad, he's not a bum.

No? What kind of man gives

the woman he loves...

a wedding ring with no diamond?

Hey, as soon as I make enough

money, I'm gonna buy her a diamond.

And I'm going to do the nasty

with Jennifer Lopez...

while Halle Berry

tickle my butt.

You know, for a moment I thought

you were gonna tell me...

you were gonna let this

one impregnate you.

But I see now, this man ain't

got no bullets in the chamber.

What's that supposed to mean?

You heard me. You're

shooting blanks.

- Cooking with a wet noodle.

- What?

Can't hoist the mainsail.

My sperm have fallen

and it can't get up.

I'll have you know, I

hit that every night.

Hey, that's my daughter

you talking about.

- Back up, old man.

- Okay, okay. Stop. Stop. Please.

Gentlemen.

Dad, we are going to have a

baby when the time is right.

Play nice.

It's still in the bag.

Still in the bag. Let's

go get the rock.

Yo, Percy, how many times I

gotta tell you? No guns.

What we gonna do?

Walken is gonna kill us if we

don't give him the diamond.

Then I guess we gotta

find a way to sneak in.

Well, they did say

they wanted a baby.

No. No.

No. I ain't dressing

up like no baby.

Keep still, Cal. You heavy.

You gonna make me drop you.

You drop me and I'm

gonna drop you.

Now, look, you stay close.

I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna get

the diamond, and I'm out.

If you don't mind me saying, Cal,

you make a cute little baby.

I'm out.

You couldn't find nothing

better than a dog basket?

You iust be cool. I told you,

this gonna be great, Cal.

Just hold tight.

Everything gonna be fine.

I'm gonna be over

here in the bushes.

Move, dog.

Get out of here. I'll

make a coat out of you.

Get out of here before I

feed you some chocolate.

Get out of here, you fleabag.

- Go.

- Get out of here.

Wait, hold-Wait. Muttley, wait.

No, no.

Honey.

- Yeah?

- Come here.

- What is it, Darryl?

- Look.

Oh, my God.

It's a baby.

I know. And here's a note too.

"Plez luk tafter Kalvin.

We wuzn't abele to keap em."

Poor guy. His parents

must've been retarded.

Well, let's get him inside.

- It's cold out here.

- Okay, okay. All right.

Come on, little guy.

- Yes.

- I got you.

Oh, damn.

- What in the hell is that?

- I don't know.

Man.

Dad, we found a baby

on the doorstep.

- What? What is it? A boy or girl?

- Dada.

I think it's a boy.

Well, whatever it is,

it smell like piss.

Yeah. I think Janet may have

left diapers here. Let's look.

Doesn't your dad have

some diapers upstairs?

I heard that. I don't wear diapers.

Who you talking about?

Haven't worn a diaper in years.

I think she put them in here.

What is it?

That ain't no baby.

That's a porn star.

What on girth is that?

I'm gonna call Child Services.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Do that.

Directory assistance.

Yes, can I have the number

for Child Services, please?

Connecting you.

Child Services is now

closed for the weekend.

We will re-open at 9 a.

M. Monday morning.

They're closed for the weekend.

The office doesn't open until

So, what do we do now?

I say, toss this creature back in the

Black Lagoon where it came from.

Daddy, stop it.

Maybe we should call the police.

- That doesn't sound good.

- No, we should take him to the doctor.

Get him checked out. Who knows

what he's been through?

- Okay?

- I'll go get the car keys.

- All right.

- Okay.

Now, when you get to the hospital,

don't stop. Don't stop.

Toss that monster out the

window and keep moving.

Hit the accelerator. I don't wanna

see that little ugly thing again.

Stinky little thing.

Was it a little cough?

- No.

- No.

No, this was like a

grown-man, smoker's cough.

Well, it's probably nothing.

Come on, let's get

his shirt off.

He's a strong little fella.

Oh, my God. What is that scar?

From the look of it, I'd say...

this little guy has had

his appendix removed.

Or he was in one hell

of a knife fight.

What kind of person

tattoos a child?

Oh, you'd be amazed. Come on.

Open up. Open up and say:

Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Wha-? What is it?

- I've never seen a...

baby with bridgework.

This child has the mouth

of a 40-year-old man.

I can't tell whether these teeth

are coming in or falling out.

Well, he's gonna be okay?

He's fine.

His tonsils are a little swollen

and he might have a bit of a cold.

As a precaution...

you should take his temperature

before you put him to bed.

- All right. Thank you, Dr. Murphy.

- Okay.

- Thank you very much.

- Bye.

This is iust-It's horrible.

Look at this child.

Let's turn him over

to the authorities.

They can find his parents

and prosecute them.

Are you crazy? We can't do that.

This kid's been

through the wringer.

Besides, his birth parents

are probably crackheads.

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