Little Nicky Page #12

We see Beefy skid to a stop, raise his leg and a full size

archery arrow shoots out of his penis and tracks right into

ADRIAN'S LEG.

ADRIAN:

Ahhh!

BEEFY:

Now that hurt the both of us.

Valerie is able to escape momentarily. Adrian reaches for

her, grabbing her. They both spin and fall down onto the

tracks. Right into the oncoming train.

NICKY:

Valerie!!!

Nicky leaps down onto the tracks, wrestles Valerie away from

Adrian and tosses her off the tracks. Adrian looks at Nicky.

ADRIAN:

See you in Hell!

WHAMM! The train comes by, hitting both Adrian and Nicky.

INT. HELL GATES - CONTINUOUS

Adrian comes flying through the solid firefall into Hell. He

looks around. Confused, there's no Nicky.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BEAUTIFUL FIELD - DAY

Nicky is lying in a huge field of tall, very green grass. He

sits up, and feels his face to make sure it's all there.

Nicky looks around, alarmed. He seems to be in a mountain

vale, maybe in the foothills of the Alps. It's gorgeous.

Off in the distance, floating in the air, is a giant birthday

cake. Nicky stands up and the cottage seems to be floating

down to him.

EXT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - DAY

The cake lands softly in front of him, the door ajar. After

a moment's hesitation, Nicky goes in.

INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS

Nicky enters the cake to find ANGEL and two friends: JENNA

and CHRISTA. They are doing arts and crafts sort of things

on a glass table in front of them. They stare at him. Angel

rises.

ANGEL:

Oh. My. G-d. I can't believe you're

here. Welcome. Can I just tell you, I

am so excited right now.

CHRISTA:

So excited.

JENNA:

She really is.

NICKY:

That's terrific. Now could you ladies

point me to the Black Palace? I should

check in with my dad...

Nicky trails off as he sees the Angels laughing at him.

ANGEL:

I'm sorry, you're just so cute.

JENNA:

Do you have any idea where you are right

now?

NICKY:

The home of eternal damnation, house of

Hades, H.E. double toothpicks...

ANGEL:

Maybe try the opposite of that.

The Angel and two friends laugh and high-five. Nicky's

confused.

ANGEL (CONT'D)

Okay, can I just ask you something?

What do you know about your mom?

NICKY:

My brothers told me my mother was a

mountain goat. Which would explain my

chronic halitosis.

ANGEL:

(annoyed)

A mountain goat? That's really sweet.

NICKY:

My mom wasn't a goat?

ANGEL:

Try an angel.

NICKY:

An angel?

ANGEL:

Unh-huh. Which would make you half

angel.

Nicky is floored.

NICKY:

Wow. What...what did she look like?

ANGEL:

Well, she was about six-three, only

spoke Portuguese and had really long

grey hair.

The GIRLS start laughing.

ANGEL (CONT'D)

I'm sorry, I'm totally busting on you.

I'm your mom.

Nicky is even more floored. FLASH. Jenna has taken a

picture of Nicky.

JENNA:

I'm sorry, but you just had the sweetest

look on your face.

CHRISTA:

You're gonna be so happy she did that.

NICKY:

(stunned)

How come you're not older?

ANGEL:

Angels don't get any older, son.

JENNA:

I can't believe you just called him

"son."

ANGEL:

Oh my G-d. This is so wild.

They laugh. Nicky is quite baffled.

INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY

Dad is just a pair of lips, with ears on either side held up

by two forearms with hands attached, lying on the throne.

Gatekeeper, Lucifer, Jimmy and a few other demons stand

around.

DAD:

I can't see sh*t. You're all still

here, right?

Adrian enters. They all cheer.

JIMMY THE DEMON:

Adrian's here. You'll be back to normal

in a jiffy, sir.

DAD LIPS:

Yea! I can't believe little Nicky came

through.

ADRIAN:

Where's Nicky?

JIMMY THE DEMON:

He came with you and Cassius, right?

ADRIAN:

I came through that gate alone.

JIMMY THE DEMON:

Sorry, sir, false alarm.

DAD:

Boooo.

ADRIAN:

Somebody explain what's going on.

Puts the Gatekeeper in a headlock.

GATEKEEPER:

You'll get nothing out of me.

ADRIAN:

Perhaps a titty twister will loosen your

lips.

He twists a breast. The Gatekeeper babbles out the

information immediately.

GATEKEEPER:

The only way to save your dad is for you

and your brothers to pass through the

gates at the same time before he

deteriorates completely.

ADRIAN:

How much time does Dad have before that

happens?

Adrian twists hard.

GATEKEEPER:

Thirty minutes. And then whoever claims

his throne will have unimaginable power.

Adrian throws him down.

LUCIFER:

All b*obs and no balls.

ADRIAN:

Thirty minutes. Hmmm. I hope you don't

mind if I take a seat while I wait for

you.

He moves to the throne and throws the lips off.

DAD LIPS:

Ahhh!

He pushes Lucifer out of the way.

LUCIFER:

I don't get no respect.

ADRIAN:

Ten thousand years. And I never once

got to sit here.

He sits on the throne and it starts to shake a little. He

grins as two horns grow out of his forehead.

ADRIAN (CONT'D)

Wow. And this is just a little taste of

my power.

DAD:

Hell's gonna bust wide open. Demons,

get him out of the chair!

The demons approach.

ADRIAN:

Ah-ah. Not so fast, demons. There are

a couple of million evil souls on Earth

ready to be harvested. Anyone

interested?

The demons stop. Now loyal to Adrian. All except Jimmy.

INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - DAY

Everyone is sitting around drinking Diet Cokes.

NICKY:

Are you Adrian and Cassius' mom, too?

CHRISTA:

No, their mother's weren't angels.

ANGEL:

I think they were hookers or strippers

or something really porno like...

There's a knock on the door. It opens and in comes Carl

Weathers dressed as Chubbs from Happy Gilmore.

CHUBBS:

Holly, Jenna, Christa. Time for your

Mambo lesson.

ANGEL:

Oh, Chubbs. I totally spaced. I'm so

sorry. I have company. It's my son,

Nicky. My son. Can you believe it?

CHUBBS:

Wow, that's terrific.

ANGEL:

Nicky, this is Chubbs. He used to be a

golf pro, but up here he's the dopest

dance instructor.

CHUBBS:

You mambo?

NICKY:

I don't think so.

CHUBBS:

Remember, it's all in the hips. It's

all in the hips.

Chubbs dances as he leaves.

NICKY:

Where did you meet my father?

ANGEL:

It was a long time ago, at some Heaven

and Hell mixer.

CHRISTA:

I remember that night, you had like four

daiquiris.

ANGEL:

Try four and a half. At first I totally

didn't like him.

JENNA:

He was really conceited.

ANGEL:

But I don't know, he was funny, he made

me laugh, and I hate to say it but he

had a really nice body.

NICKY:

And that made you want to make a baby

with him?

The Angels laugh.

ANGEL:

Well, I really wasn't thinking about

making a baby at the time!

Her cell-phone rings. She answers it.

ANGEL (CONT'D)

Hello....yes, he's here with me now... I

don't know if he's hot, he's my son, you

perv! I'll call you back...

(laughs)

Oh my G-d, I will call you back,

goodbye.

(hangs up)

That was my friend, Michelle, she says

"hi."

NICKY:

Well tell her I said "hi" back.

Angel makes a motion towards the phone, then stops.

ANGEL:

I'll call her later.

CHRISTA:

You know, we saw you save your

girlfriend's life.

JENNA:

That was so cool.

ANGEL:

That's why you came up to Heaven instead

of Hell. Self-sacrifice automatically

gets you here.

NICKY:

How did you see me?

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