Little Nicky Page #2

DAD:

Okay, kid, we'll listen to it later.

He leads the boys to the throne area. We see outside the

window the peeper staring in sexily. Dad looks, shakes his

head. Just then, THE BIRD appears and attacks him. Dad

closes the curtains.

Nicky, Adrian and Cassius sit on little stools at the foot of

his throne. Dad lights a cigarette with his finger, the tip

of which glows red like a cigarette lighter and looks down at

his three sons.

DAD (CONT'D)

My dad, your granddad, Lucifer, was

thrown out of Heaven by G-d and rules

here in hell for ten thousand years.

And after this ten thousand years had

passed, he decided to abdicate his

throne...

Confused, Nicky sheepishly raises his hand.

DAD (CONT'D)

...to step aside.

(Nicky lowers his hand)

...and let me become the ruler of hell.

This, as some of you might know, is my

ten thousandth year as Prince of

Darkness. So I think the time has come

to discuss who will succeed me.

Jimmy the Demon walks in.

JIMMY THE DEMON:

Knock, knock.

DAD:

Yes, Jimmy.

He whispers in Dad's ear.

DAD (CONT'D)

No, no, that's not what I said. He can

keep his thumbs, but the fingers gotta

go.

JIMMY THE DEMON:

(turning to leave)

Oh, and don't forget, you're shoving a

pineapple up Hitler's ass at four

o'clock.

Dad nods, and Jimmy shuffles out. Dad turns his attention

back to his sons.

DAD:

This was a very difficult decision,

because I have three wonderful sons. I

mean, Adrian, so smart, so ruthless.

And Cassius, so strong, so tough. And

Nicky, so...so...

NICKY:

Don't worry about coming up with

anything. It's cool.

DAD:

Such a sweet boy. But after much

thought and careful consideration, I've

decided that the ruler for the next ten

thousand years is going to have to

be...me.

CASSIUS AND ADRIAN

(dumbfounded)

What!?

NICKY:

Hallelujah.

They all look at Nicky.

NICKY (CONT'D)

I mean...tough break.

DAD:

The important thing for the stability of

our rule is to maintain the balance

between good and evil. And I don't

think any of you are ready for that

responsibility yet. You need the wisdom

that comes only with the passage of

time.

CASSIUS:

Dad! This is Hoyashit.

Dad glares. Cassius goes FLYING BACK. One of the Human

Dartboards laughs. Cassius whips a dart and hits him in the

tongue. Jimmy enters and points at his watch.

DAD:

Right. Right. Send him in.

(to the boys)

I'm sorry, boys. I've got to get back

to work.

Nicky, Cassius and Adrian start filing out. Adrian stops.

ADRIAN:

You sure about this decision, Dad?

DAD:

I'm telling you, pal, it's the right

thing to do.

HITLER (in a French maid's outfit), is being brought in by

Jimmy. They head towards the closet.

Inside the closet is a crate of pineapples. Hitler picks out

a relatively small one. Dad shakes his head "no." Dad walks

over to the closet. Hitler picks out a really big pineapple.

Dad nods "yes." Hitler sadly hands it to Dad. Jimmy bends

Hitler over and as Dad raises the fruit...

CLOSE ON HITLER'S EYES

As the pineapple's jammed up his ass.

HITLER:

Holy schnit!!

EXT. HIGHWAY TO HELL - DAY

Cassius and Adrian are standing by the road still flowing

with souls. Both are pissed. There's a big, ugly, Bigfoot

looking MONSTER hanging out with them, kind of nodding along.

CASSIUS:

You work your ass off for ten thousand

years, hurting people, helping others

hurt people, then you get a decision

like that.

ADRIAN:

And he's dead serious.

CASSIUS:

It's just such a slap in the face.

Adrian turns to the Monster.

ADRIAN:

Um, excuse me, we're having a private

conversation here.

CASSIUS:

Yeah, get out of here! Beat it!

Cassius insanely snaps his fingers in the Monster's face.

The Monster shrugs and walks off.

ADRIAN:

Twenty-thousand years ago, Grandpa

Lucifer said, "It is better to rule in

hell than serve in heaven." Well, I'm

getting tired of serving in Hell. We

need a place where we can rule.

Cassius throws a rock at the Monster. He yelps, then turns

around, motioning like he's thinking about coming back.

Cassius sees this and gets enraged.

CASSIUS:

Oh you wanna be a big man? Bring it

on!! Let's see what you got!

The Monster, upon further reflection, throws his hands up in

an "aw phooey" gesture and continues walking away.

CASSIUS (CONT'D)

That's what I thought!

ADRIAN:

(to Cassius)

Could you concentrate for five seconds?

CASSIUS:

I am concentrating. Where can we rule?

ADRIAN:

What do you think about...Earth?

Cassius seems to think this isn't a bad idea.

ADRIAN (CONT'D)

We could create our own hell there.

CASSIUS:

You saying we go up there and kill

everyone?

ADRIAN:

Eventually, Cassius. But first we

corrupt as many as we can so that when

we do destroy them...

CASSIUS:

...their damned souls will be ours.

ADRIAN:

It's our time, brother.

The two look at each other. They start running toward the

fire wall. Knocking souls out of their way.

GATEKEEPER:

Hey, what are you doing?!?

They get closer to the fire.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)

You can't go through there. The fire

flows in, not out.

They dive through the fire wall. It FREEZES.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)

You know something? You guys suck! You

really suck!

Sirens go off. Dogs start barking. Lights flash. And we

hear the sound of DAMNED SOULS hitting the back of the

firewall hard.

INT. THRONE ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

Dad and Nicky are listening to one of Nicky's metal mix

tapes. We hear the end of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb."

Pause. Dad exhales.

DAD:

Now that was an experience. "You are

only coming through in waves." That

line blows my mind every time.

NICKY:

Definitely.

DAD:

I don't care what kind of mood you're in

at the start of that song. When it's

over, that mood has been altered. Wow.

Great sh*t. What's next?

NICKY:

Well, I thought that after messing with

your head, I'd give you a little kick in

the keester.

Hits the tape player. "Enter Sandman" blasts.

DAD:

Who is this, Metal-lick-a?

NICKY:

Metallica, Dad. Come on.

DAD:

I was just playing with you.

Dad and Nicky dance to the song.

INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER

CLOSE ON DAD.

DAD:

I'm sorry. After careful consideration,

I regretfully have to decline.

ON PERSON HE'S TALKING TO: DAN MARINO.

DAN:

C'mon, man, I'm just asking for one

Superbowl ring.

DAD:

In exchange for eternal damnation of

your soul? You're too nice of a guy for

me to want to do that to you, Mr.

Marino.

DAN:

You did it for Namath.

DAD:

Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways.

Just go back to Earth and enjoy your

records and the Hall of Fame and the

beautiful family and all that.

DAN:

This is bullshit, man.

(gets up to leave)

I'm gonna win the Superbowl this year,

with or without you!

DAD:

Now you're talking.

Dan exits.

NICKY:

You're a good devil, Dad.

DAD:

And I also happen to be a Jets fan.

Nicky and Dad share a laugh which is interrupted by faint

sirens. The Gatekeeper enters in a hurry and falls to his

knees.

GATEKEEPER:

Your highness, Cassius and Adrian have

escaped from hell. They went through

the fire, and they broke it. I think

they took the New York tunnel. I tried

to stop them, but they overpowered me,

sir.

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