Little Nicky Page #3

DAD:

Oh, boy. Oh boy. Calm down. Get off

your knees.

The Gatekeeper stands up.

GATEKEEPER:

Thanks for being so understanding, your

worship. You're the man. You've always

been the man.

Dad's EYES GLOW RED as the Gatekeeper stands up. Two huge

b*obs grow out of either side of the Gatekeeper's head. We

only see them from the front for a second.

From behind the gatekeeper, we see the b*obs but not the

nipples as he talks to Nicky.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)

(to Nicky)

I'm lucky to get away with just the head

b*obs, right?

NICKY:

Coulda been much worse.

GATEKEEPER:

That's what I'm thinkin'...

Dad is staring off. He looks shaken.

DAD:

This is bad, Nicky.

NICKY:

How bad?

DAD:

I'm gonna die, Nicky. If the gates are

broken, no new souls can get in, which

means I'll start to deteriorate into

nothing.

GRANDPA LUCIFER enters.

LUCIFER:

What's with all the whoo-whoo noises?

DAD:

Everything's fine, pop.

LUCIFER:

Last time you said that the renaissance

happened.

DAD:

Please, pop, just go back to your room.

LUCIFER:

(regarding gateskeeper)

Can I take him with me and have sex with

his head?

DAD:

Sure, pop. Whatever you want.

The gatekeeper walks towards Lucifer.

GATEKEEPER:

Oh, this is gonna be a whole new

lifestyle for me, isn't it.

EXT. GATES OF HELL - SHORTLY AFTER

We see the coals are cooling down on the road and the DAMNED

SOULS in hell are sneaking off.

The DEMONS are baffled and don't quite know what to do.

Dad, Jimmy and Nicky walk to the frozen fire.

DAMNED SOULS (O.S.)

What's going on? Where are we?

We keep HEARING people hit behind the frozen fire with loud

thuds.

JIMMY THE DEMON:

Nothing's getting through that. The

fire is solid as a rock.

NICKY:

We gotta get this bad boy burning again.

Ideas?

DAD:

To do that Cassius and Adrian have to

come back through the other way.

NICKY:

So go get 'em, Dad!

DAD:

I'm too weak. The process has already

begun.

Dad holds up his hand. His pink is hanging by a thread. We

see the bigfoot MONSTER grunt disgusted by the sight.

NICKY:

So go get 'em, Jimmy!

JIMMY THE DEMON:

I'm just a demon, Nicky. I don't got

devil blood in me. I'd last two minutes

up there with your brothers.

NICKY:

You're not saying it's up to me?

The MONSTER puts his hands over his eyes shaking his head as

if to say, "oh no."

NICKY (CONT'D)

I've never been to Earth. I've never

even slept over at some other dude's

house!

JIMMY THE DEMON:

You're the spawn of Satan. You got it

in you.

DAD:

Nicky, the worst thing that could happen

on Earth is you get killed, in which

case, boom, you end up back here.

NICKY:

Are you telling me I have to go to Earth

and kill my brothers?

JIMMY THE DEMON:

Not go. They left together at the exact

same time. They gotta come back

together at the exact same time.

Dad takes an ornate flask from his robe.

DAD:

Here. Get them drunk from this. One

sip and they'll be trapped inside. Once

you've got both of them, you bring the

flask back through the gate.

Dad's pinky is hanging. Jimmy pulls it off and examines it.

The Monster gags.

JIMMY THE DEMON:

Your ol' man's got less than a week.

Nicky looks petrified.

NICKY:

No. This can't be happening.

DAD:

Son, just do your best.

Nicky looks teary eyed. The moment is broken by the Monster,

who runs in and pushes Nicky through the fire.

Nicky goes through the solid fire wall. PAUSE. The Monster

taps his own wrist and looks at Dad as if to say, "gotta get

a move on."

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

A SIGN:
42ND ST. GRAND CENTRAL

PAN DOWN to the darkened bowels of the old station, between

two tracks, to a putrid puddle. Nicky breaks through the

surface, sputtering. We hear a rumbling in the near

distance.

NICKY:

Okay. Earth. The Blue Marble. This

doesn't look too bad.

Nicky sees a fast approaching light, furrows his brow and

WHAMMM!

EXT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER

Nicky comes shooting through the solid fire wall and lands in

the coal pit. His Dad limps back to him.

JIMMY THE DEMON:

You were gone ten seconds. What

happened?

NICKY:

I got hit by a big light that was

attached to a lot of metal.

DAD:

That's a train, son. Don't stand in

front of them.

NICKY:

Well, I guess I'm going to have to take

a mulligan on this one.

DAD:

Please, Nicky, get back up there.

(his ear falls off)

Try to hurry.

Nicky climbs up and heads back toward the fire wall.

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

Nicky makes it back through the hole. Looks both ways and

hops out of the hole. He carefully crosses the tracks and is

stopped by the sight of a bulldog, BEEFY, on the other side.

In his mouth is one of those signs car service drivers use to

identify their passengers at the airport. On the sign is

scrawled "NICKY."

Nicky and Beefy stare at each other a beat.

NICKY:

I'm Nicky.

Beefy drops the sign from his mouth.

BEEFY:

(voice of Sandy Wernick)

Hey, terrific!! Now get off the track

and come with me, shitstains.

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - PAVILLION - DAY

The throng of commuters making their way through the terminal

are giving a wide berth to the filthy man who's looking

around suspiciously, talking to the dog.

BEEFY:

My name's Beefy. I'm an old friend of

your father's. He's asked me to help

you out.

NICKY:

I just need to find my brothers and be

on my way, Beefy.

BEEFY:

It's not gonna be easy. Your brothers

can possess people. So they probably

won't look like themselves. You have to

be suspicious of everyone.

Nicky looks at Beefy warily for a beat.

NICKY:

Okay, "bro," this jig is up...

(pulling out the flask)

Just get in the bottle. Just slide

right on in there.

BEEFY:

It's not me, moron.

NICKY:

Oh. Sorry.

EXT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY

A BLIND PREACHER rants outside the entrance. People put

money in his pot.

PREACHER:

Oh how the Lord loves you. All his

children.

(passerby puts in money)

He thanks you for your kindness.

(another woman puts in money)

God bless, Ma'am. The Lord loves you...

The Lord loves you...

We see Nicky and Beefy walk up from behind. The PREACHER

sniffs.

PREACHER (CONT'D)

The Lord does not love you. I

sense...pure evil.

(thrusts his cross in Nicky's

face)

You make the Lord very nervous.

(feeling hot)

I'm burning...ahhh.

(running away)

The Devil walks among us!

He runs off screaming, wildly bumping into people.

PREACHER (CONT'D)

Oh Lord, save us from Hell's beast!

He gets off course and runs right into a subway entrance. He

disappears. Beefy turns to Nicky.

BEEFY:

Makin' friends already.

NICKY:

(shivering a little)

It's freezing up here, Beefy.

BEEFY:

You're on Earth now, kid. Gonna have

the same physical needs and limitations

a human has. We'll stop by K-mart. Get

you some warm clothes.

NICKY:

I also have this odd pain in my mid

section. Kind of a hollow feeling...

BEEFY:

That pain is hunger.

EXT. BENCH - DAY

K-mart bag is next to a bench. PAN UP to see Nicky wearing

an extra warm SKI OUTFIT. Sitting next to him on the bench

is Beefy. Between them is a big bucket of POPEYE'S FRIED

CHICKEN. Nicky takes out a drumstick.

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