Little Nicky Page #4

NICKY:

So far, so good. Now what?

BEEFY:

Put it in your mouth.

Nicky puts it in his mouth. Holds it there.

BEEFY (CONT'D)

Move your teeth up and down.

Nicky does. He chews for a long time.

BEEFY (CONT'D)

Now you gotta swallow it. Tilt your

head back and let the meat slide down

your throat-hole.

Nicky does. He gets a looks of complete joy on his face.

NICKY:

Hey...Popeye's chicken is ass kickin'!

BEEFY:

It sure is. Now eat it up. You're

gonna need your energy.

NICKY:

I got energy up the ying-ying. Let's

get cracking!

NICKY stands with a drumstick and jogs off the curb right

into the path of a moving bus.

INT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER

The Monster is rubbing the gatekeeper's b*obs. The

gatekeeper is wearing a modified bra. He seems to be

enjoying it. We hear a THUD. They look down to see Nicky on

the ground. (We didn't see him flying through this time.)

The Monster and Gatekeeper immediately stop. Kind of

embarrassed.

GATEKEEPER:

Hey.

NICKY:

That's a pretty brassiere.

GATEKEEPER:

Thanks.

NICKY:

Could you maybe not tell anyone about

this?

GATEKEEPER:

You got it. Could you maybe not tell

anyone about this?

NICKY:

You got it.

Nicky turns and walks toward the firewall. As soon as his

back is turned, the monster pantomimes to the Gatekeeper, "I

love your b*obs." The Gatekeeper gives a flirtatious laugh

(we don't see him morph back through the wall here.).

EXT. VILLAGE STREET - DAY

Beefy is walking with him down the street. Nicky is crazy

cautious.

NICKY:

From now on. I'm just going to avoid

all moving metal objects.

BEEFY:

Great. Now your father gave me some

deposit money for a nice pad on the

Upper East Side. But I misplaced it.

FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:

INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT

Beefy is sitting on a bench/booth at a strip club. Champagne

is on the table. Bills in his mouth. We see THREE DANCERS

dancing for him.

FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. VILLAGE STREET

Nicky and Beefy.

BEEFY:

So I found this other joint for you.

But you're gonna have a roommate.

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

A scruffy, thirtyish buy, TODD (Allen Covert), is on the

phone in his small, bohemian apartment in the Village.

TODD:

(on phone)

I know exactly how you feel... The night

Reagan was elected, I said to my mother,

"Is this man going to blow up the world,

Mommy?" Then we both cried for like an

hour.

(knock at the door)

Somebody's here. Call you later.

Todd gets up and opens the door. It's Nicky, with Beefy by

his side. Nicky is nervous, and his speech sounds practiced.

NICKY:

Hello, friend, my name is Nicky. I

understand you're seeking a roommate, as

per your advertisement in the Village

Voice. Would it be possible for me to

fill the slot?

TODD:

Uh, don't you want to know what the rent

is?

Nicky looks down at Beefy. Beefy looks up at Nicky. Both

nod imperceptibly.

NICKY:

Yes. What is rent?

TODD:

Eight-hundred, split down the middle.

Tuesdays and Thursdays I rehearse with

my scene partner so the living room will

be off limits.

NICKY:

Off limits.

TODD:

Right. And as far as household items:

we can share the soap, but we'll split

the cost 60/40.

Cause the person who physically goes out

and buys the soap shouldn't have to pay

as much as the other guy.

(looks at Nicky)

Aren't you boiling in that outfit?

NICKY:

No.

TODD:

It's like eighty degrees in this

hallway. You from the South?

NICKY:

Yeah. The deep South.

Nicky laughs a little too hard.

TODD:

Why is that funny?

NICKY:

I don't know.

TODD:

And sorry, man, but no dogs allowed.

Todd turns and goes into the apartment.

BEEFY:

You'll be alright. Go on. Big day

tomorrow. Don't forget to do that sleep

thing I told you about.

NICKY:

Got ya.

(to Todd)

Is it okay if I do the sleep thing?

TODD:

Yeah, your bedroom is right over there.

The door closes. Beefy looks down at the welcome mat. It

reads:
I "heart" METHOD ACTING. Beefy raises his leg over

it.

INT. NICKY'S ROOM

Nicky is sleeping on top of the hissing radiator, fully

clothed. When he inhales through his nose, we hear that

familiar snoring/snorting sound. But when he exhales, we

hear disturbing "speaking-in-tongues", Exorcist-style voices.

SLOW PAN across the room to the doorway where Todd stands,

looking concerned.

EXT. CATHEDRAL - MORNING

We HEAR the bells toll. We see the beautiful exterior of a

large church.

INT. CATHEDRAL

CLOSE ON an ELDERLY, kind looking CARDINAL. He ascends the

steps to the pulpit and looks out on his large congregation.

We see that TV cameras are covering the SUNDAY service. He

gins his homily.

CARDINAL:

In today's gospel, the Lord tells us who

we are to live if we wish to attain the

splendor of Heaven... or something like

that. Jesus sure says a lot of stuff in

the Bible. Moses this. Moses that.

Abraham hit me with a whiffle ball bat.

The crowd stares dumbfounded. We see that the Cardinal is

standing on a steaming hot pizza which is still in the box

with the top open.

CARDINAL (CONT'D)

Yep, the Lord sure did say a bunch of

hibbity-jibbity. But has he ever really

done anything for us? Has he ever put a

Jaguar XJR in my driveway? Has he ever

given any of my enemies the herpes? No.

He hasn't done a damn thing for any of

us.

A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN stands up.

MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN

The Lord gave my son the strength to get

off drugs.

CARDINAL:

Ma'am, I know your son, and believe me,

he was better off on drugs. He's a

bore. At least when he was smoking

hashish, he made me laugh occasionally.

A YOUNG MAN and his PREGNANT WIFE stand up.

YOUNG MAN:

After we tried for many years, the Lord

finally helped my wife conceive a baby.

CARDINAL:

No, your best friend Fitzie helped your

wife conceive a baby. He helped her

conceive it all night long.

Fitzie, who's sitting on the other side of the Wife, starts

to "raise the roof." Then thinks better of it. The Cardinal

points to a well-dressed man in the front pew.

CARDINAL (CONT'D)

How about you, Mr. Mayor? The Lord ever

do anything for you?

The Mayor has tinfoil on his feet.

MAYOR:

(standing)

Well, I wish I could think of something,

Cardinal, but to be honest with you, I

can't. Kind of makes you wonder if

there even is a Lord. If there is any

ultimate punishment for our so-called

"sins." Maybe we should all just have

fun and do whatever the hell we want.

A hubbub is raised by the crowd. Fitzie raises the roof

again, this time energetically.

CARDINAL:

Amen to that. Let the sin begin!

The hubbub grows to a roar. Several PEOPLE start fighting

over the money in the collection plate.

The Cardinal smiles knowingly at the Mayor. We hear the

Cardinal's thoughts - in Adrian's voice.

ADRIAN (O.S.)

Oh, this is delicious.

ON MAYOR:

He's smirking. WE HEAR his telepathic response.

CASSIUS (O.S.)

(laughing)

"Let the sin begins" - that was a good

one.

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