Little Sister Page #3

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That one looked great!

I'm gonna try it on.

Be right back.

Help?

Hi, there.

Want some help with the zipper?

It's stuck on a flower.

Colleen, do you believe in god?

Mm-hmm.

When I was little girl,

I used to watch out the back

of my trailer every night

and look at the cars

turn their lights off.

And then I would say,

"good night, cars,"

like everything in the world

had a heart and a soul.

But that isn't true, is it?

I've been trying so hard

to be happy.

Everybody's had such a bad time.

But I don't want to be on TV.

Tricia, I...

I'm stuck here,

and I don't know what to do.

Mother, you have a phone call.

Who is it?

I'll give you three guesses.

I'm just not quite ready

to come back yet.

Well, I just wish

you would've told me sooner.

Adelaide and Bernadette are

supposed to take some orphans

to six flags tomorrow.

I know. I'm sorry.

Just a couple more days.

I hate this.

Hey!

What's the matter? Chicken?

Fried chicken?

Give me your hands.

Why?

Jeez Louise,

just give me your hands.

Are we praying?

Something like that.

See, this isn't so bad.

People are looking.

Let them look.

You've got nothing

to be ashamed of.

Excuse me, ma'am?

Yes, ma'am?

Do you guys sell yarn?

Um, yes, aisle four.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Aren't you the young man

I read about in the newspaper,

the one burnt in the war?

Uh, yeah, that's me.

Son, I want you to know

everyone here

thinks of you as a real hero,

and I just,

I just think it's a shame

you boys were wasted

on this stupid war.

So many wasted young lives.

Bet you thank

your lucky stars for Obama.

Wave of murder which is sweeping

the eastern third of the nation

is being committed by creatures

who feast upon

the flesh of their victims.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Mm-hmm.

When the bomb went off in Iraq,

did you think

you were gonna die?

Yeah, I knew I was going to die.

What was it like?

You know how they say

that everything flashes

before your eyes?

Yeah, that doesn't happen.

But, I was, like,

suddenly totally okay

with my entire life,

and I sort of thought,

"I guess that's it,"

but there's no regrets

or anything.

You know who would like to hear

that story, I bet?

Millions of Americans.

Oh, mom told you about CNN?

Uh-huh.

I don't want to be

anybody's hero, Colleen.

But, you kind of are.

It's such a joke.

I didn't die.

That doesn't make me special.

I just feel like a freak

and a loser.

Welcome to the club.

You guys going to watch

the debates tonight?

Probably not.

Sweet potato, you of all people.

Mom.

Why don't we just rent a movie

or something?

I'll see you later, sister.

I'll be there in a minute,

brother.

Just can't seem to do

anything right.

Well, it's tough, mom.

Don't you care about the issues?

Do you ever think about

anything bigger than yourself?

Um, seriously?

That's not what I meant.

What did you mean?

Your dad and I

love you both so much.

And, sweet pea,

I know you took our pot.

And it's totally cool.

You're young.

You want to experiment.

We understand.

This is a natural part of life.

And you know what?

Dad and I are happy to share.

What's ours is yours.

I flushed your drugs, mom.

Excuse me?

Don't you think you're taking

enough drugs already?

What did I do?

Do you really want me

to answer that?

Yes, yes, I do.

You're gonna have to put

the knife away.

I must be a terrible

disappointment to you,

but that's the way it is,

isn't it?

And you know what?

That's life.

I'm a disappointment to you,

and you are

a disappointment to me.

I just wish

you'd grow up a little

and get over it already.

Really, mom?

Maybe you'd understand

if you stuck around

and dealt with your problems

for once in your life.

Mother...

I will try to correct

myself with the grace of god.

Oh, hey, Colleen.

Hey, sorry I didn't call.

Yeah, no, please,

don't worry about it.

Remember this guy?

Hey, Emily.

Oh, hey, Jacob.

Thank you so much!

Terri and I would never have

been able to sustain

so many wonderful years

of marriage

if it weren't

for our spectacular friends!

Seriously, y'all.

You've let our funky

little family into your hearts,

and that has made

all the difference.

Now, let's party!

Really?

We're jealous of you.

No, don't be.

Adoption really was the best

thing that ever happened to us.

And really, no parent knows

what they're going to get.

Even if they're

not your real children,

you really see yourself in them

as they get older.

And when they were younger,

they were always

at each other's throats,

but now, now they're like

two peas in a pod.

They are so smart,

and they are so sweet.

And Troy, he loves

his little sister so much.

And we, we are truly lucky.

Mm-hmm.

And it seems like yesterday

they were little puppies

chasing squirrels

in the backyard.

Yeah.

That's so great, you two.

So, how's Chiclet?

Chiclet!

Chiclet... Is wonderful.

We cannot allow

Iran to get a nuclear weapon.

Not only would it

threaten Israel,

our strongest ally in the region

and one of our strongest allies

in the world,

but it would also

create a possibility

of nuclear weapons falling

into the hands of terrorists.

It's a nurse.

Do you like it?

I thought you said

you wanted to be a doctor

when you grew up.

Then what do you want to be?

I don't know.

A scientist?

No.

An artist?

You can be anything

you want to be, sweet pea.

Okay, well, in honor

of this three-year

high-school reunion,

I vote that we play

truth or dare!

Uh, or not.

Come on, brother.

I'll play!

Okay.

I choose truth.

Hmm.

What's the worst thing

you know about your parents?

Both of them?

Either one.

Oh. Oh, jeez...

Do I tell this story?

Yes, tell it!

Tell it.

Okay, okay, but you have to chug

a beer with me,

both of you.

Double dare.

Wow.

That's my very first beer.

Your first beer.

I mean, it is Heineken,

so it's barely beer.

Okay.

Yes!

Milady.

Sir. Let's do it.

Well, no, wait.

Hold on. First...

Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it.

But first you have to tell

the story first.

That's the deal.

What? Yikes! Uh!

Okay!

Okay, so, you guys remember

Askjeeves. Com, the website?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, when I was 12,

I wanted to look up something

on the Internet,

and I had to go upstairs

to my parents' bedroom,

and my dad had stayed logged in

to his account,

and so I go on to Askjeeves,

and I'm typing my question,

and, like,

when you type your question,

then the last five things

that you've asked it come up,

and apparently,

my dad had asked it,

"where, near Asheville,

north Carolina,

can I find a BBW prostitute?"

Whew!

What's BBW?

It is big, beautiful women.

He asked Jeeves that?

To parents!

To parents.

Okay, first is the candidacy.

No, wait. Hold on. No, wait.

First it's the applicancy,

and then,

and then it's

the candidatcy... candidacy.

Um, and then the novitiate.

I'm the novitiate.

That's me.

But then you do permanent.

First, no, hold on.

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