Local Color Page #4

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to the class reunion.

The invitation said to

wear something attractive

and revealing,

preferably see through.

As I walked in the door,

I suddenly realized that

I was fully clothed.

Everyone there was

much younger than I,

even though at the

time we went to school

we were all the same age.

I was surprised that they

were there, because I

didn't remember them being

in any of my classes.

We had to meet in a museum

where no men were allowed

but no women either.

When my turn came to tell

the story of the picture,

I couldn't think

of a thing to say.

The jury applauded

anyway and gave me an A-.

Lil sucked.

Afterwards we had to check

each other for breast cancer.

(ripping)

Hey.

I could have turned you in.

Hey, take your hands

off me or I'm going to

call the cops.

What for, with that

book in your pocket?

I don't know what

you're talking about.

The book.

Listen, I don't care,

I steal stuff myself.

I didn't steal a thing.

I think you're

trying to molest me.

I'm going to call the cops.

Hey officer, officer!

What do you want?

I saw you in the rearview

mirror in the store.

You should be more careful.

Not everybody's as nice as me.

Yeah.

If you don't let go I'm

gonna kick you in the balls.

Okay, okay, you win.

What do you want from me?

What's the book?

Tell me if you're

doing a survey.

We're doing an in depth

analysis of the reading

patterns of shoplifters.

A glittering saga of the

lives, loves and passions

of a prominent family

in Victorian England.

A panoramic picture of

Imperialist splendor

that roams as far and as

wide as the British empire.

And the sultry outposts

of darkest Africa to the

castles and bawdy houses

of 19th century England.

Drenched in local color

and exotic atmosphere.

I didn't think you kids had

time for this kind of thing.

What?

I thought you were all

too busy shooting up,

having abortions, snorting

coke to be reading books

with a lot of local color.

Took the wrong book,

I don't want this book.

Which book did you want?

What were you

doing in the store?

Why aren't you at work?

What do you do?

Oh, a little of

this, little of that.

I'm sworn to secrecy.

I get it, you're with the CIA.

The KGB.

You're under arrest.

Lucky for me I don't

have fingerprints.

Those weird smears

would give you away.

What was it?

Did it turn you on watching me?

Thought maybe you'd like to

try a little hanky panky?

Where did you learn

words like that?

From my elders.

Didn't they tell you people

don't talk like that anymore?

What are you, let

me guess, 12, 13?

Here, take it.

I bet the book isn't

as corny as you are.

Thanks, maybe I'll

learn something about how

to meet strangers.

Which way are you

going, I'll walk you.

I'm 19.

[Alvin] It happens at

least once a year with

a patient of mine.

We agree to meet,

we drive to a motel,

we f***, it's all over with.

Painless.

Like drilling with novocaine.

But no more pleasant

than that either.

There's no way of recapturing

that erotic charge

that we both feel when she

is the helpless patient

trapped in the chair,

her mouth wide open

and stuffed with cotton padding.

And me fondling her

jaw, her chin, her gums.

Poking my fingers into

her most private places.

And that look of fear and

supplication in their eyes

when I pick up the

sharp instruments.

Their relieved melting

looks of gratitude when

it is not as painful

as they expected.

And my smile, calm,

reassuring, paternal.

But something more.

Wise and yet seductive.

The patient doctor

transference is complete.

We never recapture

this initial excitement

in the motel room.

None of them has ever

come back to me again,

not even for a cleaning.

Next time I bring my picks

and scrapers with me.

[Voiceover] Now let's

see what this detail

is doing in here.

What are you doing?

(laughter)

[Voiceover] Oh no, dear,

it's chop, I'm tenderizing it.

[Voiceover] Oh, well

that's all right then.

Are you hungry?

No, I ate before.

I'm hungry.

I didn't eat today.

Why didn't you eat

at the restaurant?

I forgot I was so busy.

There's nothing

in the refrigerator.

[Voiceover] Threw

himself on a live Italian.

Do you want to go out later?

No, I'm too tired.

I'm hungry.

(laughter)

[Voiceover] Italian grenade.

What are you two doing here?

Don't buy that crap again.

What crap do you

mean, sweetheart?

[Voiceover] A little

spying here too.

Those frozen gourmet dinners.

You said you wanted it

when you saw it advertised.

I went out and got them for you.

[Voiceover] I don't want

you to get the wrong ideas.

Well I'm sick of it now.

It all tastes like

airplane food.

I like airplane food.

[Voiceover] Now remember

that then forget it.

Why don't you use that

microwave oven I got you?

It cost a fortune.

And get cancer?

Thanks.

There's a freezer full of them.

[Voiceover] Listen, I'm

giving up part of my bed

upstairs, right Edith?

[Voiceover] That's right,

your father's going to

sleep on the sofa.

Just think, Archie, this'll

be the first time in

24 years we ain't

slept together.

[Voiceover] Well that's

the sacrifice you gotta make.

(laughter)

It's about time.

Where the hell have you been?

I want you to answer

me when I talk to you.

Out.

I want you to look at

me when you answer me.

Yes, master.

Don't get smart.

Is that better, dad?

Don't get wise with me.

Leave her alone.

In a minute you'll be yelling.

I'm not yelling.

You were supposed to

be home for dinner.

I ate already.

I want to know where

you've been and why

you didn't call.

Out with friends from school.

Lower your voices, neighbors.

(laughter)

- [Alvin] Will you shut up?

- [Debbie] Not the neighbors.

As for you, young

lady, you better...

Only beats up

women and children.

What are you doing,

I want to watch it.

She doesn't want

to miss a word of it.

Don't talk to me that

way, I'm not your mother.

Remind me how lucky I am.

Listen to the way

she talks to me.

Don't think I don't

know what's on your mind.

Since you're dying to know,

I've been out with

the football team.

I've never done so much

f***ing and sucking.

It was great.

Talk like that.

Don't you dare touch her.

You hit her and I'm leaving.

When I'm through with her

I'm gonna take care of you.

It'll be the last

thing you ever do.

Shut up, both of you!

You're both nuts.

The older I get,

the crazier you get.

All grown ups

should be put away.

(laughter)

[Voiceover] Why

are you afraid, Lil?

What are you afraid of?

Do I act as if I'm frightened?

I'm not at all.

Childbirth.

No, never again.

I'll never have grandchildren.

They're all growing up or aging.

Whichever comes first

and then the other.

Wrinkles in the mirror.

I fear that I'll never

stop being afraid.

My child, my child.

Fire.

Fear of illnesses,

doctors, hospitals.

Rare diseases, psychological

symptoms that I

don't even know about,

thank God, because if I

did I'd be sure that I had them.

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