Local Hero Page #3

- No ink.

- And nylon.

No detergents.

Perspex.

You wouldn't get any Perspex.

No polythene.

Dry cleaning fluid.

Waterproofs. They make

dry cleaning fluid out of oil?

- Did you not know that?

- No, I didn't know that.

You know anything

about the stars?

Not much. Why?

I want to check something out.

I'll get a book or something.

It's business time in Houston.

I want to make some calls.

Can I help you, gentlemen?

Is there a telephone in the hotel?

There's a phone box across the road.

You'll need some change.

You can talk

to anywhere in the world.

- Could you change this? Tens.

- I don't think we'll manage that.

You got any tens, lads?

This gentleman would like to make an

important long-distance phone call.

Give us your tens.

Sandy! Any 10 pences?

Hey, hey, hey!

Aye, Ricky's on the road tonight.

You got to look both ways.

- There, Mr Mac. Full working order.

- Thanks. I'm fine now.

You don't have to do that.

- Have you got the code?

- I got the code.

You could call the operator.

Put the tens in

when you hear the pips.

- I'm fine. I'll see you later.

- Oh, aye.

- No. Later on.

- Oh, right.

Bye-bye. Thanks again.

Bye! You've been a big help! Bye.

'Thank you for calling

Knox Oil and Gas.'

'Thank you for calling

Knox Oil and Gas.'

Thank you for calling

Knox Oil and Gas.

'Thank you for calling

Knox Oil and Gas.'

OK! OK! Get me Calvin Wrain

in Acquisitions and Negotiations,

- and hurry, please.

- Hold, please.

This is Wrain.

- 'Cal! I'm in a phone box!'

- Mac, how are you!

Listen. Take this number...

Ferness, 261.

You'll have to look up the code.

I'll give you other numbers later.

'Cal! How are things, boy?'

Fine, Mac.

You only been gone a couple of days.

'Feels like I've been here forever.'

Well, how's the deal going?

May take some time.

They've got a real nice beach here.

Moritz, Moritz, you're destroying me.

Yes. Now we're getting somewhere.

I think we can move on.

- What do you mean?

- The next stage.

- Physicalise things a little.

- What?

I could hit you.

Wouldn't that humiliate you?

I could tie you up.

That's perversion, not therapy.

Get out, and don't come back.

Good! You're upset. Think what

it'll be like when I punch you.

Get out before I punch you!

This is most gratifying, Mr Happer.

It vindicates my entire theory.

I've got your ego on the run,

you piece of sh*t!

Sorry, sir, that just slipped out.

We can't give up now.

You're a star patient.

I might have to raise my fee

when we do get physical,

but it won't be unreasonable!

Mrs Wyatt, cancel all future

appointments with Moritz...

and get me Hawaii.

I want Fisher at the observatory.

Hello, Danny.

Good morning, Mr Macintyre.

We'll give "Yur-gu-hart" 24 hours.

Yeah...

Look at the birds.

They look like seagulls.

No. They're too small for seagulls,

and they're not white.

They'll get wet.

Maybe they're waterproof.

Huh! You get waterproof birds?

Oh, yeah. Sure you do.

Let's check out the church,

talk to the preacher.

I want to do something.

Do you think Gordon

and Stella do it every night?

Of course not.

Please, everyone. Will you calm down?

Nobody's mentioned money yet.

Don't get excited!

Quiet, please! Everyone!

Thanks, Murdo.

All I need just now

is your OK to negotiate.

I've got the Knox man on the hook.

Give me time to land him in style.

He's got a bag full of money.

So stay calm and let me handle him.

I need your patience and faith.

Trust me.

Would they be wanting

to buy a boat, too?

Gideon, if things go well,

they'll have to buy

their own shirts back off us.

Stay calm. Trust me.

Gordon, I'd like

to say a short prayer now.

Fine, Murdo.

Quiet, please, everyone.

Murdo wants to say a short prayer.

Lord...

It's the Yank and the other one!

They're coming here! I saw them.

Quiet, please.

Murdo, can you deal with them?

- Just head them off.

- Not a sound, please! Oh, God.

This is where the canteen will be.

- What's that?

- Where you have lunch and dinner.

- Oh, a commissary.

- That kind of thing.

Good morning! Can I help you?

- Reverend MacPherson?

- Yes.

My name's Macintyre. This is Oldsen.

Macintyre, eh?

You're not Scottish, are you?

- I'm an American.

- I'm not a Scotsman either.

I'm an African.

I came here as a student minister

and didn't ever get away again.

What can I do for you?

We're here on...kind of a mission.

Same here.

We want to acquire real estate.

We'd like to establish relationships

with those who have land hereabouts.

You want to buy my church?

Well, not as a going concern.

They practise here.

As long as they're bombing the beach,

they can't be bombing anywhere else.

It's kind of comforting.

Ahh...so far as

your business here is concerned,

all I can recommend

is that you talk to our Mr Urquhart.

He looks after

the church's interests,

in temporal matters, at least.

I understand.

Sounds like good advice, Reverend.

I know I don't have to ask you, sir,

but could you treat our conversation

with confidence?

I give you my word, I will be

as discreet as the next man.

Thank you.

But news tends

to travel fast around here.

I understand, sir.

The Reverend says

news travels fast around here.

- Hmm!

- Hmm!

Don't know why I'm here.

I'm more of a telex man.

Could sew this whole deal up

in one afternoon over the wires.

That's the kind of person I am.

I need electricity.

Don't know about those jets.

They really spoil a very nice area.

- Oh, it's a crime.

- Yeah.

- May I have another roll?

- Certainly.

- Who's that old man on the beach?

- That'd be Ben.

- He lives there all year?

- Oh, yes.

- Doesn't he get cold?

- He's used to it.

- How's the casserole de lapin?

- Terrific.

Lapin...

That's rabbit.

- Is this my rabbit?

- Yes.

- Harry!

- Trudi.

We don't allow animals

in the bedrooms.

It's a pet! It had a name!

You don't eat things with names.

It was an injured rabbit.

It was in pain.

You were a bit hasty.

Mac was looking after it.

All it needed was lots of rest

and proper treatment.

Mac was on top of the situation.

They didn't like the rabbit.

Mac loved the rabbit!

That's the point. It had a name!

Is it worthwhile calling the vet?

Don't be a clown, Gordon.

Make some coffee.

It had a broken leg. Check the bones

if you don't believe me.

I'm sorry, Mac,

but we eat rabbits here.

The vet would have done the same.

I didn't know it had a name.

It's OK, Stella.

Look, you don't have to finish it.

- How was it, anyway?

- It was nice.

Apart from it being Trudi,

it was nice.

What lovely long eyelashes

you've got.

Was it a wine sauce?

Yeah.

I let it simmer for

a couple of hours in some white wine.

Why did you call it Trudi?

No reason.

Apart from anything else,

a Rolls Royce will last longer.

It's a false economy

to invest in cheap goods.

It's not cheap. The Maserati's

30,000, and it looks nicer.

You can't get four or five winter

lambs into the back of a Maserati.

That's what you need a Rolls for.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote