Lola Versus Page #5

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I loved literature so much...

...that I'd want to write novels,

but I realized I didn't.

I just want to write about them.

So...

It's very, very sexy.

Can I pour you another glass of wine?

- Okay.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Great.

Do you want to stick with the red?

We could do some sake.

Oh, I really like your knees.

No, wait.

Yeah, I really like your knees.

Thanks.

- You want me to put on some music?

- Okay.

Oh. my God!

I'm sorry. It just came out.

That's okay. I know.

It's freakishly big.

- I can't stop looking.

- I was an incubator baby.

- What?

- I was an incubator baby.

Oh...

What is that?

The incubator, it made my penis bigger

than the other kids'.

Oh, yeah.

To see how long our swan song can last

Oh, okay.

Ooh. Whoa.

That just slipped in there, huh?

You feel so good.

Just a minute. Shh. Be perfectly still.

Is this--? Is this Ani DiFranco?

Yeah. She's my favorite lyricist.

Oh.

And I am watching your chest

Rise and fall

Like the tides of my life

Could you--?

Your bones have been my bed frame

Your flesh has been my pillow

Do you think you could get a condom?

Aren't you on the pill?

It doesn't matter.

What are you worried about?

I don't know if you're clean.

I am.

I just got tested.

Scout's honor.

Oh, okay, that's--

That makes me feel better. The Boy Scouts.

- Actually, I'm an Eagle.

- Oh.

And when we leave the landlord will come

And paint over it all

And I am walking

Out in the rain

Sure you don't want to get some breakfast?

Omelet?

I can be a few minutes late for class.

You know, that's okay. Thanks.

I had a really nice time last night.

Yeah. Yeah.

Let me roll you home.

- Come on.

- Okay.

Mm.

Sweet architecture.

It's really tight brickwork. Bravo.

Hey.

Henry.-

Hi. I'm Nick.

All right.

I better get to Pilates.

Oh, can you give me a hand,

help me with this?

Just really tight.

Yeah, just really--

Like, really, really tight. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. Great.

Thank you.

I'll call you later.

Have a blessed day.

What the f***?

What are you doing here?

I came to surprise you with breakfast.

- These are really nice scones.

- Oh, sh*t.

Did you just have sex with that Rollerblader?

Um...

Oh, my God.

I cannot believe you.

I'm so sorry. It was terrible.

If it's any consolation,

his dick was so big it hurt my back.

Oh, he has a bigger dick than me too?

No, that is a consolation.

You should go into

the greeting card business.

"Sorry I cheated on you.

PS, your dick is smaller."

- No, no, that's not-- That's not what I meant.

- I just assumed that we were--

- Yes, yes, yes, we are.

- Yeah?

- I'm confused.

- Yeah, clearly.

I'm vulnerable. I'm not myself.

I'm easily persuaded.

What, so now you're saying

that I persuaded you to be with me?

No. If anything,

I persuaded you to be with me.

- Whatever.

- Wait. No, no. Henry, wait, wait, wait.

I didn't know that we were exclusive,

and I didn't know.

I didn't know if it was okay

if I slept with someone else.

Do you know what? It doesn't have

to be articulated. It's just common courtesy.

- Uh...

- Henry!

Please, can we talk about this?

I'm slutty, but I am a good person.

Oh honey, I really miss you

Oh, honey

Though it was only yesterday you kissed me

And that kiss

That kiss was so, so true

I guess I should know better

- Hey.

- Hey, I was in the neighborhood.

Oh, that's cool.

Do you have any weed?

When it comes to falling

Oh, honey, I really miss you

One, two, three.

If only you could hold me now

Because you hold

You hold me, oh, so well

I guess I should know better

When it comes to falling

Yes, I should know better

When it comes to falling in love again

I'm glad that you're staying here

when we're gone.

It's good for you to get away

from all the noise out there.

- F*** that noise!

- We'll be back in two weeks.

Hey, why don't you throw a rave party?

Go wild.

I can't throw a party. I'll just be thinking about

whether or not to invite Luke or Henry.

Then if I don't invite them,

I'll just wish that I did.

Honey, I really think

you're overanalyzing this.

Then if I do invite them and they don't

show up, is it because they hate me?

I just keep having sex

with the wrong people at the wrong time...

...or the right people at the wrong time.

Right time, wrong people!

I should probably try

to be friends with them.

I don't know. I can't tell.

I've never had an ex.

Are you supposed to be friends

with your exes?

Well, honey, sure.

I mean, you know,

show Luke that you've moved on.

Show Henry how you're sorry.

Be the bigger person.

Oh, honey, we love you.

A lot of people do.

Unfortunately, you and Dad

do not count as a lot of people.

Randy, I need you to help me with this.

Are you kidding me?

That thing is like a walking toilet.

- Please?

- Clearblue?

- More like clear yellow.

- Tell me whether it's negative.

I let a man I met at a fish store

do me without a condom.

Okay, show me.

Show me! Don't touch me.

It's negative.

I don't know why I do this to myself. It's like

I'm constantly attracted to men who punish me.

Maybe because you need to be punished.

Okay, listen, there's at least

four baby daddies here for you...

...and I just texted three more.

One is a serious krumper.

Yeah, let's just set up a gang bang

and see who sticks.

And Ted, the one from

my cervical cancer commercial...

...on his way, just turned 40, totally mature.

- I don't want old sperm.

- Sperm's too old. Got it.

Oh, God. This guy, Nick,

won't stop texting me.

- Monster Dick Nick?

- Yeah.

We slept together, like, weeks ago,

and now he thinks we're dating.

Yucko.

You want any wine?

I have a sweet Zinfandel.

Yeah, yes, Zinfandel.

- What are you doing?

- Baby-wiping my whole body.

Hey, remember you told me

how there's that brain chemical...

...that releases when a woman orgasms?

Oxytocin.

I found it. In a pill.

- What?

- Yeah, my friend was telling me...

...he's been taking it recreationally or whatever,

which I thought was weird...

...because generally dudes can just get off

by looking at their own reflection.

Who's resentful?

But, anyway, I took it tonight.

No. Alice, there is no pill form of oxytocin.

- What you took was OxyContin.

- Yeah, same thing.

No, different thing. Drug-addict thing.

It's like heroin.

It's a really powerful narcotic.

I have been feeling nauseous...

...but often that's the precursor to my orgasms,

so I was just sort of going with it.

Luke and Henry just walked in.

Quick, get me a hot guy to talk to.

What? You invited them?

Oh, damn, Henry. You look tasty.

Yeah, this was my party to normalize things.

Are my b*obs even?

You think I'm the drug addict. Eh.

See you on the other side.

Oh.

Alice?

Whoo!

Hey. I'm so glad you came.

It's cool.

- Are you still mad at me?

- No.

I'm really sorry.

It's all good.

I hope things aren't weird

with you and Luke.

No. I called him.

We sorted it all out. Yeah.

Awesome.

- Oh, I got-- I'm gonna be back.

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