Loser Page #5

You can't pass out from beer.

You can, if you take something

before you drink it.

Her?

What do you mean, "Her?"

Adam found her at a liquor store

looking for a party.

Last time I saw her she was all over Noah.

Who knows

what she took before she got here.

It's impossible.

Why is that impossible?

These are bridge and tunnel girls.

They sleep around to avoid the commute.

We were going to the concert.

She never showed up.

Come here.

I'm going to help you out with this, okay?

Look. All right.

We're going do this again next Friday.

I'll hook you up with a nice girl.

The kind of girl that you deserve.

What will we do with her?

She just has to sleep it off,

rest a couple of days.

- Okay, what about her parents?

- I don't know.

She put Professor Alcott

as her in-case-of-emergency person.

What's that all about?

I don't know.

I'm getting out of here.

- You'll call me if you need anything.

- Yeah, sure.

You can't sleep while you tan.

Look at you. You're all burnt.

The tan is underneath. I have many layers.

- What's this genius plan you've devised?

- Okay, listen to this.

We figure out which class

we're doing worst in and drop it.

Then we transfer into European Lit 101,

but it has to be Professor Alcott's class.

We dump a D and transplant it with an A.

And why is Alcott

suddenly giving us all A's?

I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.

All right. Quiet, you guys.

Hi.

Good morning.

- How long have I been asleep?

- Since Friday night.

Oh, my God.

- I've been in your bed and everything.

- It's no problem.

- Can I ask you something?

- Yeah. Sure.

- Are you on any special medication?

- No.

- Did you have a lot to drink?

- No.

I was at a convenience store

applying for the night shift job.

There was a guy who told me

about a fundraiser he was having.

And he brought me back here.

I drank some juice.

I don't really remember much after that.

I think somebody

slipped me a roofie or something.

Boy, I have got to stop trusting people.

You want some lunch? Yeah, you do.

You haven't eaten in days.

I'm starving and I ate this morning.

When you took me to the hospital,

did they call anybody to come get me?

No.

They said you could go home

and rest a couple of days...

...and drink plenty of liquids.

And you need to take these.

Charcoal?

So I can start a fire in your heart.

All right, that'll be ready in just a minute.

You just lie back and veg,

as you young people say.

And I'll read The Plague

so we don't behind in Lit class.

You know, I don't know about you,

but I really need a B+ in Alcott's class.

Alcott hates neediness.

You know how old he is?

He's only 34 and he's been

a full professor for almost 10 years.

He was the youngest

in the history of the university.

Is that going to be on the final?

I'm sorry. I should have told you

that he was my boyfriend.

We've been together all semester.

I wish they would've called him

instead of causing you all this trouble.

It's no trouble. I enjoy having you here.

Yeah, but I've been asleep.

I guess it's a good thing

I'm easily amused, right?

Why are you so nice?

I don't know.

Hey, buddy.

Yo. 420, later.

Yo, going to see you Friday, right?

All right.

Professor Alcott.

I need to talk to you about Dora.

I'll cut you the same deal

as I cut the others.

Sir, the thing is, she's at my place

and she had her stomach pumped...

...because she was given some drugs

and she's been sick all weekend.

Her file lists you

as her in-case-of emergency person...

Look...

Paul.

Miss Diamond has kind of like this

schoolgirl crush on me.

You know how they build these entire

relationships up in their head.

It's great of you to be concerned.

- Sir, you don't understand.

- No, I understand.

Okay, I understand. I get it. It's fine.

We'll work it out. Okay?

Sir.

- Good girl.

- Good girl.

- Hi.

- Thanks, Dora. I can finish up.

Good girl.

Come here. I got to show you something.

What do you think?

I like it.

Kind of institutional, yet post-Victorian.

Very nice.

Wait, but look.

She's pregnant. We've got to let her out.

- She doesn't want to have them in here.

- She might run away, though.

But look at her. She's really unhappy.

She's got to find a safe spot.

Okay. Sure.

Come here, sweetie. There you go.

I found these on your desk.

Oh, my God.

It's almost not like him.

I know he loves me,

but he's never committed to paper before.

How can I ever thank you?

- For what?

- For saving my life, for taking care of me.

You've been amazing.

- Wait. Where are you going?

- I'm going home.

I feel better now

and I've got to look for a job.

I'm sure you want a good night's sleep

in your own bed.

No. I mean, if you stay tonight,

you can get an early start tomorrow.

But I don't have any clean clothes.

Actually, I was just about to do a wash.

We can both wear

my extra-fashionable laundry clothes.

What is this?

Mid-90s hip-hop for the heartland.

My mother tried to help me be cooler,

so she went to Sears, where...

...they take the guesswork out of

exposing underpants.

If this is all you have,

then I think we'd better do a wash.

I'll change in there.

I'm sorry.

I was looking for another bag

to put the laundry in.

- I'll get you...

- Yeah. Thanks.

I'll get you a bag.

You didn't get it from me.

Then how did I get it?

What are you talking about?

- Is it burning and itching?

- What's going to happen?

Is there some... Is there a discharge?

Suddenly you know all about it, don't you?

Don't people talk gross on cell phones?

You'd think they'd be embarrassed

to have private conversations in public.

- I hate people with cell phones.

- All of them?

Yep.

I hate everyone in there because

can get the new Garbage CD.

I hate them because they can eat

whatever they want to eat.

I hate anyone who has time to study.

- You hate a lot of people.

- I'm a rotten, nasty little person.

- No, you're not.

- Yes, I am.

Not having any money isn't ennobling.

It makes you mean.

Yeah, I get it. That's why

all the really nice people are rich.

- So who do you hate?

- No one.

Really?

Yeah.

I wish I could be more like you.

So how come you always wear that hat?

'Cause something like 90% of your body

heat escapes through your head.

But you're not particularly attached to it,

are you?

No. Not really.

Why?

- Come on.

- What?

- These belong to someone.

- No one who needs them more than you.

Howdy, Miss Dora.

Wait, here. Try this.

- Yeah. Yeah, that's the one.

- Yeah.

Really?

Okay.

Should I leave this one here?

No, leave it in the park

for a homeless person.

- After you.

- Well, thank you.

Honey, I'm home.

- Who are you talking to?

- The dogs.

- What about the kitties?

- Kitties, I'm home.

It's moving. It's alive.

Come on, we have to hurry.

Here, put it on the heating pad.

And get some gloves, okay?

I can't let it pick up our scent,

otherwise the mother will reject it.

- Oh, no.

- So we have to carefully...

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