Loser Page #6

...cut it out of its membrane.

What I need you to do...

Okay. Ready.

- Okay, hold...

- God, be careful.

- Don't poke it.

- Don't worry.

- Hold that...

- Okay.

...for me right like that, okay? You got it?

- Yeah.

- I'll cut the membrane.

- Be careful.

We'll get this little guy out, okay?

Watch the head.

Watching it.

- Okay.

- Be careful.

- Pull it back.

- All right, I'm almost there.

- You got it?

- All right. Yeah.

All right, I'm just going to cut

right underneath there.

And, okay.

Here we go.

- Here he comes.

- Look at the head. It's so cute.

- Is it alive?

- Yeah. It's alive.

Let's go.

Let's see.

Here. Come on.

Come on.

Now what?

We'll just keep it warm

and we'll try again in a few minutes.

I always wanted a kitty,

but my mom was allergic.

I wasn't allowed to have pets.

My girlfriend, Janet, she had a Siamese.

You have a girlfriend?

Ex-girlfriend. We dated in high school.

- Do you still see her?

- No.

She lost weight over the summer

and dating a lot more now.

You know how it goes.

It sounds lame to someone in a love affair.

- Relationship. Whatever it is.

- I don't even know what it is.

He thinks I'm too young or something,

so he doesn't want to have a relationship.

But then he says things like...

...how he feels

we're the same person inside and...

...if he was female, he'd be me.

But he said he didn't want

a relationship with you.

Yeah, and that he'd always love me.

And he said he didn't want to be

in a relationship.

Yeah. So?

Well, sometimes when someone's

telling you something...

...they're trying to tell you something.

Right. Like men know

what's good for them.

- Should we try again?

- Yeah. Let's see.

She's licking it.

Told you.

What do we do now?

Get some sleep and I'll stay

to make sure she doesn't toss him out.

Thanks.

Do you really need models of all sizes?

I'm only 5 ft 4 in.

- That's not a problem.

- I don't have a portfolio.

We'll take your pictures free of charge.

What? I don't get paid for the pictures?

This is an agency. We'll send 'em out

and hopefully somebody will bite.

You can take your clothes off in there.

What makes you

so interested in lithography?

I've always loved posters

and calendars and stuff.

Especially the way the colors get put on

separately, then all come together.

Are you in the union?

It didn't say anything

about the union in the want ad.

This is a union shop.

- Hi, I'm calling for the gal Friday job.

- The job's taken.

Hi, I'm calling about the ad

for healthy girls with good SAT scores.

Is this for some sort of drug trial?

And what is the

foremost principle of banking?

Remembering your secret PIN number.

Forgive me if I reserve my chuckles

for when I grade your final.

- Guess what?

- What?

I won't have to leave school.

I'll have the money. I got a job.

- Doing what?

- Harvesting eggs.

- In New York?

- What?

You're going to be a farmer?

No.

I grow baby eggs and at the end

of my cycle they take them out...

...and give them to infertile couples.

I get a shot every day.

I'll have enough money for tuition

and time to study...

...and I'll get my mom a dishwasher.

- What kind of shots?

- I don't know.

Like hormones and girly stuff.

- Let's celebrate, okay?

- I only have $30.

It's on me. Come on.

Wait. I'm a student member.

I can come any time. It's always warm.

There's artsy films and the paintings rock.

Thank you.

You know what'd be fun?

If we pretend we're really rich...

...and we can have

one painting from each room.

Okay.

- That one.

- Puppies.

They're cute.

This one.

That.

This one.

That? That's chick art.

Then I suppose you like this one.

As a matter of fact, yes.

What guy wouldn't like a plate of breasts?

What?

- Are you hungry?

- I could eat.

- Wait, isn't that steal...

- Come on.

Isn't this totally pleasant?

This has been the best celebration.

Thank you for including me.

Ever been to a Broadway play?

No, but like I said, I only have $30.

Don't worry about it.

Okay.

Here you go.

You missed? Here, let's try again.

Here you go.

- You get it? You missed?

- No.

Don't they check the tickets?

No. Just pretend like we were

out here for a smoke. Come on.

How much money do you have left?

$30. I can't believe

we didn't spend one cent.

- Do you know why?

- Why?

"The moon belongs to everyone

"The best things in life are free"

- Don't you get whimsical on me.

- Sorry.

Where's the nasty girl

who hates everyone?

I don't know. I have fun with you.

- What's that all about?

- I don't know.

- Look at how good he looks.

- I know.

He's so happy.

He's resting with his brothers and sisters.

You know,

we ought to start thinking about preschool.

What time is it? I want to take the 11:50.

Why don't you stay another night?

You know, I'll just get a video and a pizza.

It's better than waiting

on the train platform.

- We'll just chill in.

- You mean chill out?

Either one. Your choice.

Yeah. Okay.

You call your mom,

I'll go get the video and the pizza.

Don't you go anywhere.

Thank you.

Excuse me. Hello?

- What's up?

- Hi.

Okay.

Of these two...

...which would be good for me and...

...you know, if I was watching alone

with a girl?

Yeah. There you go.

When Harry Met Sally.

Could you maintain a rod

and watch Billy Crystal at the same time?

Don't feel bad. No one can.

The Piano.

I don't know. Full-frontal on Harvey Keitel.

- Not good?

- No, that dude's a 90% wiener.

- Really?

- Even on the small screen, that'll hurt you.

Here's your winner:

Simon Birch.

About a little goofy kid with problems.

Can't go wrong, you'll look like a stud.

And this is sexy?

Good for the girl?

Yeah, works for me.

Thank you.

Honey, I'm home.

It's so much better saying that

to an actual person.

Do you think people said it before TV?

- Hello, Paul.

- Hello, Professor Alcott.

This has been the best day of my life.

Edward asked me to stay over.

It's going to be so amazing.

Isn't that great?

He must really respect you.

Did he know you were in the hospital?

I guess. He did get me those flowers.

It's a relief, because the pressure's off.

Taking these fertility drugs...

...gives me financial freedom,

so I won't be annoyingly needy.

I may actually turn out to be

one of those lucky people.

What lucky people?

You know those couples that stay together

because they can't do any better?

Or those people who are sad

and miserable and live alone?

But then there's this microscopically

teeny group of lucky people...

...who get to be with the person

they're madly in love with.

You ever consider being in love

and leaving out the madly part?

What's the fun in that?

Dora, come on.

Take care of the baby.

How about some change, man?

No, I mean that in a good way.

And don't forget my Somalian beans.

They don't have Somalian.

- Can I just get Italian?

- All right.

You sat so far away yesterday.

I thought you hate cell phones.

It's digital. Edward got it for me.

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