Loser Page #7

I miss you guys.

You know, Taxi, Roxi, Penny and the baby.

Is he eating solids yet?

Kitten Chow.

I printed this up for you.

It's about those fertility drugs.

Hormones that make you

produce more eggs...

...also make cancer cells grow faster.

You should take a look at it.

- You looked this up for me?

- No.

I came across it when I was doing

some research, so I thought...

Do you like Monty Python?

The film school is having a series...

- Hello?

- I think I'll do a dessert.

- Like a biscotti.

- With nuts?

Yeah, it'll be great.

- I'll be right back.

- Hurry.

Bye.

So anyway, I was thinking of going,

and if you're free...

I really don't have any time.

If I let my grades fall, I'm out of here.

I didn't get much work done last week.

- I'm sorry.

- It's not your fault.

I'm under a lot of pressure, you know?

Right.

- Lf you change your mind...

- Yeah, okay.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Isn't it great how comfortable this is?

I have this feeling of bliss.

Do you feel it too?

What changed your mind

about me being here?

Can we turn down the intensity

just a notch?

I was thinking how beautiful you looked

while you were quiet.

Okay.

What did you want to say?

I wondered what made you change

your mind about me being here.

I figured as long as I suffered

the consequences...

...I may as well have you here mending.

Suffer what consequences?

As you probably know, I'm listed as

your next-of-kin on your medical records.

- I wanted to talk to you about that.

- I don't want to discuss it.

Your fraternity buddies

want to spread the word...

...of a student-professor affair,

date-rape, medication and stomach-pumps.

- Would you make me a cup of tea?

- Yeah.

- But I was drugged.

- Oh, it's fine.

They've agreed to silence

in exchange for A's in Lit.

Plunge the tea bag four to six times,

remove it and squeeze in a half a lemon.

And two and a half teaspoons of sugar.

Paul had nothing to do with it, right?

Paul, Adam, Chris, Noah.

They're all my little honor students.

Bet they couldn't get through a copy

of Rolling Stone between the four of them.

Here.

Not in a mug.

It needs to be in a cup with a saucer.

Please.

So they all came to you together

and blackmailed you?

I'm reading now.

Dora, Dora, hold up. Wait, wait.

- You've been an inspiration to us.

- What?

We got this killer scheme.

We want you in.

- It was Chris' idea.

- It would help us if we got a girl.

What are you talking about?

This spring, when we plan our programs,

we want to target...

...professors that are single, lonely.

For us, women, for you, men,

for more choices.

You know the drill after.

Once they're romantically interested,

you hint you're legally underage.

It's genius!

Meanwhile, we all get fake IDs,

except instead of being 21, we're only 17.

- See where we're going with this?

- Imagine how high your GPA will be.

Just coordinate your schedule with us.

You guys are amazing.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Thank you. All right, she's in.

- She's in. She's in.

There you go again with those books.

What is that?

Studying?

Good one, man. Don't forget about Friday.

What, you didn't raise enough money

at your last fundraiser?

We barely made enough to cover the beer.

But I got it in check. I scored some rope.

Normally, chicks can drink six

to seven cans and they don't feel it.

But these bad boys, one, and you're done.

Careful.

Thanks, dude.

So, Friday.

Can I help you?

I'm looking for white pills that come

in a pop-out package.

We have aspirin in bubble pack.

These have writing on them.

I'm looking for pills without the writing.

There's this.

- What do they do?

- Pretty much nothing.

- Any harmful side effects?

- Might make you a bit smarter.

Oh, my God. Are you guys taking Psych?

- Did you ever look in the book?

- No.

Look at this retard.

- What's cracking?

- I left some books in the closet.

- You mind if I get them?

- Of course not. Want a beer?

Ever heard of autism?

Are we still on for the shelter on Friday?

I heard they might be painting the place

on Friday. I'll have to find out.

See what you can do.

Otherwise we're up sh*t creek.

Okay.

Help us out, Paul.

It costs a lot to rent a bar.

- Thanks, guys.

- Thanks, buddy.

Don't be a stranger now, buddy, okay?

Put your pants on.

Cover that up.

No need to argue, plenty for everyone.

Just line up in an orderly fashion.

That looks like a penis, but smaller.

Don't knock it till you tried it.

You got two minutes to cover it or lose it.

- This sucks.

- I would've said "blows."

Look at Kelly and Gwen.

I slipped them rope an hour ago.

I gave one to Shelly and look at that.

Maybe girls are developing an immunity...

...the way pesticides don't work

on a lot of bugs.

- Look how amped these chicks are.

- Great.

If this doesn't work,

we'll have to rely on our charm.

- That stuff you got was useless.

- You still owe me $150.

The stuff I had had writing on the package.

What are you talking about?

This isn't them.

- Someone snagged our rope?

- Who knows where I keep my stash?

- Paul.

- Weak.

Do you see what's wrong with this?

The Greeks use a column

to hold something up.

Form follows function,

and it's beautiful in its simplicity.

This Roman column is

incorporated into the wall.

I assume from your mocking tone

you have an opposing viewpoint?

No. But don't you ever like

looking around because it's pretty?

Pretty?

- Not everything needs a lecture.

- Christmas decorations are pretty.

The cast of Friends is pretty.

This is a world-class museum.

You only get what you put into it.

Sorry.

Paul Tannek to see Professor Alcott.

- He's in a meeting. Have a seat.

- Great, thank you.

- Peter.

- Paul.

- Should we go inside?

- What can I do for you?

Dora left these, and I'm not sure

if she's supposed to take anymore...

Goodbye, Professor Alcott.

Thanks for helping, Kristen.

Let's talk in here.

How is Miss Diamond?

You know Dora. A little goes a long way.

She's a sweet kid, though.

Keeps the place immaculate.

You're lucky.

She cares about you a great deal.

That's for you.

- What is this?

- Final exam.

- The final's a take-home test?

- For you it is.

That's the deal I worked out with Chris.

I gotta have something

to substantiate an A.

- What's the matter?

- I wasn't aware of a deal.

I guess it's a good thing you dropped by.

Sir, if it's all the same, I'd rather not.

Are you planning

on saying anything to the dean?

No.

- You're going to tell Dora about Kristen?

- No. I'm not.

I don't understand.

Maybe I don't like the idea of being bought.

- You could lose your scholarship.

- I guess I could.

Is this a moral stand?

Is that what you're doing?

I gotta tell you,

I don't think that's very smart.

You know what?

I really don't give a f*** what you think!

What are you doing?

You stole over $200 of our medication!

You mean the illegal drugs

you disperse at parties?

Are you going to turn into a narc on us?

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