Lost in London Page #11

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out of 'em.

How are you doing?

Terrible, man.

Yeah?

Yeah.

My old lady used to say,

"Don't worry about a thing...

"'cause there ain't nothing

gonna be all right".

Oh, man, I just, I messed

up real bad.

Well, you just did what

other men have done.

I've done it myself.

Yeah, but you've had like

129 wives, Willie.

I just want one, I want Laura.

Well, what do you think

women want?

Well, I don't know... love.

Love, honesty, respect, loyalty.

Oh, yeah, well I should

have thought of those.

Those are the hard ones.

Yeah, well, this ain't about

what you're going through.

This is about what

Laura's going through.

That's what you gotta

think about.

Grow a spine. If you're gonna

be a bear, be a grizzly.

Oh, well that, that is

good advice, Willie.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Uh, did you miss me?

[WOODY] Huh. You're the best,

Willie. I so appreciate you.

Hey, I'm gonna put in a good

word for you...

'cause you know, I always liked

you just a little bit.

[WOODY] Thank you, Willie,

thank you so much.

You're as welcome as the

flowers in spring.

And if you ever need

a friend, buy a dog.

You're the Texas Dalai Lama,

man.

( MUSIC FADES UP )

( DOOR OPENS )

[OWEN]

Wake up, buttercup. Carpe diem.

O?

It's me, buddy.

Oh, did you see Willie?

Willie's on Maui, amigo.

Ah, man, well I dreamed

he was here.

Am I dreaming you're here?

No, I'm here, I just paid

your bail.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

Don't thank me, thank Paddy.

Thank you so much, Paddy.

No worries.

What time is it?

It's time to go meet

Harry Potter.

Oh, yes! Yes!

Okay, so, er, you called Laura?

Called Laura.

Then Laura called you?

[OWEN] Yeah.

And, so, Laura saved me, huh?

Yeah. Laura saved me.

Sorry about that fight.

Oh, me, too, bro.

Oh, gosh, I gotta say,

you are quite the scrapper.

Yeah, you did run into a little

bit of a buzz saw tonight.

Yeah.

You're lucky you're lucky they

pulled me off you when they did.

Well, you know, I was just...

I was getting ready

to crank it up.

pretending to lose consciousness

I was about to stage a comeback.

I could feel that,

playing possum.

I could also feel that Vulcan

death grip that you did...

on my head that just left

me feeling a little concussed.

Dude, tell me I didn't

hurt your moneymaker.

I mean, now that's the

main thing.

No, it's okay.

I mean, is that cheekyboy

smile still there, right?

Please, let's never lose that.

Oh, my god.

Come and meet me son.

Let's go.

Yeah, okay.

You know, you did actually a

pretty good, um, 'Larry Flynt'.

Oh... come on.

Now your free.

Free at last! Free at last!

Where's Laura and the kids?

They're not here.

What do you mean? I thought

they were gonna be here.

I don't know.

Hold it, but you talked to her

on the phone, right?

She called me and asked me

to call Paddy...

and come bail you out.

But, well, so... you don't

know where she is?

No idea.

Sorry.

( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )

Hold on, so where's,

where's your son?

Well, we're going to

collect him.

You still wanna go, yeah,

see Harry Potter?

Yeah, I mean, we might

as well.

Be good to, at least for us

to see Harry Potter.

Well, you guys, I'm gonna have

to take a rain check, I think.

You guys can drop me off

on the way.

What do you mean?

What are you doing?

I got that meeting

I gotta go to.

What, at this hour

of the morning?

Morning meeting.

Well, with who?

It's not important.

Dude, who who are you meeting?

Wes.

Wes?

Your best friend?

Yeah, Wes, my best friend...

and guess what?

I have three brothers,

Andrew, Luke and Woody.

I feel like I just got demoted

from second best friend...

to third favorite brother...

god.

Hits just keep on coming, man.

Come on.

You want me to tell Wes

you said hello?

Yeah, yeah, you know,

I actually do like him.

You guys get along.

I'm just jealous, because he

never called me for anything.

Hey, what was that thing you

were saying was the...

talking about the beautiful

thing that me and Laura had?

In the club?

Yeah.

Oh, I was kind of just...

scrambling a little bit,

but I mean

What's going on?

Can a police car pull

over another police car?

[PADDY]

It's a bit strange, all right.

Well that doesn't make

any sense.

[PADDY] Find out who it is.

But it doesn't surprise me, man.

The way things are going,

this, this night is, er...

just never gonna stop.

( KNOCK ON DOOR )

License and registration?

Dante... what's going on, man?

You don't think I was gonna

miss Harry Potter, do you?

Sign this.

Oh, great, great.

Wow, just great.

And, er, we might have a

few surprise guests.

Daddy!

Kids!

Ah!

Why didn't you come home

last night?

Where were you?

Oh, well, okay, I'm gonna...

er, I'm gonna explain

it all to you, okay?

Um, you got any jokes for me?

Uh, yeah.

When you go into the

bathroom, you're American.

When you come out of

the bathroom, you're American.

What are you when you're

in the bathroom?

Ah, I give up.

You're a peein'.

Okay, there was this zoo with

no animals and just one dog.

It was a Shitzu.

I don't get it.

[PADDY] Woody, this is Billy.

Dumb joke.

Say hello, Billy... who's that?

Billy!

Hello, Billy.

Who's this?

What you got here?

Harry Potter.

Harry Potter.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.

Put me down.

I'm gonna give you a minute.

Let's go, kids... I'll give you

a minute, come on, let's go!

[PADDY] Let's go and see

Harry Potter!

I thought you left me.

I did leave you.

But the sins of the father...

don't need to be visited

on his children.

They really wanna meet

Harry Potter.

So that's the reason

you're here?

Mostly.

I've been doing a lot

of thinking.

Yeah, so have I.

And, er, I know I cause you a

lot of pain and humiliation.

You do not make it easy, Woody.

And I, I, I can't...

I tell you you're, you're the

most amazing woman in the world.

And you're you're the

one for me.

Just not the only.

I can't imagine this, your, my

world without you, I can't.

But... I think if I'm really

gonna be selfless about this...

I don't wanna see you

saddled with me...

cuz I don't wanna see the person

I love with the person I hate.

And I, I know that the best

thing that I can do for you...

and the only way I can

truly love you...

is to help you get rid of me.

So I want you to go, in

that van, and leave me here.

At least then I'll know

you'll be all right, honey.

( ENGINE STARTING )

No! No, no!

No! No! No!

[LAURA] Woody?!

Papa!

[LAURA] How's it going down

there, jail bird?

It's been better.

[PADDY] Come on, Woods.

Get him up, kids.

Let's get him in the van.

You know, Woodrow, you're

not quite rid of us.

Does that mean you're not

gonna leave me?

Not yet.

Let's just see how the day goes.

( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )

[WOODY] Hello, Billy.

[LAURA] Hey, guys.

[PADDY] Say, "Hi, Woody".

[BILLY] Hi, Woody.

[BILLY] Harry Potter.

[WOODY] Harry Potter!

[LAURA] Yeah!

( MUSIC ENDS )

So I remember when Woody and

his family visited...

the Harry Potter set on, I

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