Lost in London Page #2

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that, er, huge, er, number...

that whoever that guy,

AristotlefrickingOnassis.

Here, this is okay, that's

for you.

Very kind, sir.

Ah, to whom much is

given, much is required.

Hello, Laura.

Hi.

Woody, how are you?

Oh, yeah, hey, hey, uh, good,

good. How are you doing?

Excellent, yeah. D'you

remember my name?

Oh, your name, er, let's

see. Don't tell me.

Moo, Moo, Momah, Mohammed...

no, Mu, Musta...

It starts with an 'M', right?

Alan.

Alan, right, sorry, yeah.

Just another handsome Arab

to you, aren't I?

Right, you really are a

handsome Arab.

I'm Iranian.

Oh, it's a pretty language, huh?

Would you like to meet

the prince?

Oh, yeah, I never met a prince

before, other than Prince.

You wanna meet a prince?

Yeah.

Woody, this is Prince Abu Ali

Adullah Bin Saltan Al Rahmanil.

Oh, hey, nice to...

Oh my god!

Hey, careful, there's

gravity there.

[WOODY] Good one.

You okay, Papa?

[WOODY] Er, yeah.

Oh, no, you tied

other people's shoes?

We tied everybody's.

What should we do, Papa?

Oh, er, well, if I raised you

right, you'll go over there...

and apologize to 'em.

Okay.

( GLASS SMASHING )

What do we do now?

[WOODY] Run!

That barman needs to cut

these people off.

Hey.

Nice to meet you.

It's a real pleasure to

meet you.

Oh...

You know, you have given

me many, many, many...

many, many, many, many,

many, many...

many hours of entertainment.

So many "manys". This is my

wife, Laura.

Hello.

Oh...

Enchant.

Wow, you are a real beauty.

Oh, thank you.

Truly.

You're sweet.

No, no, no, no, no, you're

sweet, like sticky honey.

Er... thank you.

Um...

Well, I'm just gonna, er, run to

the little girls' room, Romeo.

Oh, we got we got

a bathroom...

back at the back at the

hotel, Juliet.

I'll be right back.

Okay, I'll meet you back

here in a trice.

And, I don't even know what

that word means.

Oh.

Ow.

There's more where that

came from.

Wow, you are really

feeling randy tonight, huh?

"Randy", that's a good

word, too, right?

You scallywag.

Oh, um, you rapscallion.

You scamp. Miscreant.

B*tch.

So, er, how do you know

the prince?

Er, he adopted me.

I was a bastard child and

he raised me like a baby fawn.

He is a fawn in my side.

Fawn in my side.

You'd tell me if I smelled

like BO, would you?

Oh my god, babe, of course.

My god, I thought it was me...

and then I hugged that guy

Alan

In the green velvet jacket?

Yeah, he stinks.

His laugh annoys me as

well, I've gotta be honest.

I'm learning to love myself

Yeah I'm learning

to love myself

I'm learn

No, keep going.

My God.

Keep going.

I'm I'm so embarrassed.

Cute.

Yeah... oh, no.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you

honestly and just the once...

but d'you feel like my

neck has grown?

Look at me, like out, like

the circumference of it?

Well, that's a 'yes', 'cause

I can see it in your face. What?

Babe, babe, do you know what

you should do?

Do this, but with your neck.

Really? How often?

Just like every morning when

you wake up.

I mean, the fat might displace

to another part of your body...

but I'm sure you'll be fine.

I used to hate my nose,

now it's my neck.

Your nose is fine.

Come in sooner with that.

Babe, your nose is fine,

you're being ridiculous.

Okay. So which one do

you want?

I don't know. I think Sayed

is really sexy.

I'm so glad you said

that because, honestly...

the prince is mine tonight.

If I get rid of this neck

thing...

I'm gonna sit on that

throne. Am I right?

The prince?

Too much?

He's like four times your age.

And that's your judgement face.

Babe, I'm your friend,

I don't judge you.

Yeah, exactly, okay, so

the prince is mine tonight...

and you can have Seaweed.

Seaweed?

Am I saying that wrong?

Babe, his name is Sayed,

it's not that hard to say.

Wait, did you see this?

No, no, no, no.

Grim.

No, look, and the funniest thing

about this is that...

he's actually upstairs right

now with his wife.

You know, the Asian one?

That's his wife?

Yes.

And they're okay with this?

Well, she didn't seem upset...

and they actually seemed

quite happy.

Although, Asians are the

masters of hiding emotion.

So true.

Mmmhmm.

Oh, she's so fit, so much fitter

than any of these.

God, so much surgery in

one photograph.

Do I need surgery here?

Babe, just slap it, you'll

be fine.

D'you know what I think?

This is options though, for

you, for tonight.

Come on, they're obviously not

happily married.

If you don't wanna go

for Seaweed, I'd go for him.

I think he's an actor.

I don't do 'married'.

He likes Asians anyway.

Babe, none of these women are

Asian.

Well, not with those b*obs, no.

Okay, you good?

Yeah. I'm just checking

I have it. Yeah.

You good?

Fine, let's go.

Yeah.

Oh, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, check me.

Am I okay?

Okay and me?

Definitely?

Yeah, you're fine.

Are you sure? No Seaweed?

Not yet there isn't.

( BOTH LAUGHING )

Can you just check the

bogies for me?

Yeah.

Okay, you're good. Me?

Am I clear?

Clear skies, yeah.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Wait, is he an actor...

or am I just completely

getting that wrong?

Oh my god, yeah, babe,

he's been in so many films.

I feel like it's TV. Yes.

Oh my god, what's it called?

It's so famous, and it made him.

'Full House'.

D'you know what?

I never saw that.

Woody, I wonder if I can

interest you in, um...

going out with us

for a few drinks?

Uh, no, any other night but,

you know, it's

It's actually 'date' night

for me and the wifeypoo.

You know, we're like newlyweds.

I mean, she's so...

Really?

...ravenous for me.

Wow.

Yeah, I mean, she's like

a jaguar on the hunt.

I can picture her now,

tearing at your flesh.

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, a jaguar.

Honey?

Were you just hoping I

wouldn't see this?

I am so sorry, honey.

Three women? How, how does

that even happen?

Well, I mean, they they came

up to me outside of this bar...

and they er, they asked me...

if I wanted to take a walk

on the wild side.

A walk on the wild side?

Honey, I'm so sorry. I

was really, really drunk.

An apology followed by an

excuse is bullshit.

I'm not excusing, I'm

giving context, you know.

Well, you know, maybe I'll get

really, really drunk tonight...

and find myself three

hot, young Englishmen.

Honey, the children might

hear you.

F*** the children!

Oh!

Excuse me.

No, excuse me.

Are you okay?

No.

The, um...

( CLEARS THROAT )

the, er, prince is, is leaving.

Okay.

Woody... I do hope

everything's okay.

Yeah. Yeah, me, too.

Asian women, they are beautiful,

but they are problem.

No, I think I might be

the problem on this here.

No, no, no, no, no.

I can't find the kids.

They're, they're fine, trust me.

Trust you?

Laura, I wonder...

can I steal your husband away

for one drink?

Oh, you wouldn't be stealing.

Take him. Keep him.

No, no, I'm I'm coming

with you, honey.

No, you should go with the

prince.

No, no, no, I'm coming with you.

I don't want you.

Excuse us one second.

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