Louis C.K.: Hilarious Page #10

Synopsis: In this unique and dynamic live concert experience, Louis C.K.'s exploration of life after 40 destroys politically correct images of modern life with thoughts we have all had...but would rarely admit to.
Genre: Comedy, Documentary
Director(s): Louis C.K.
Actors: Louis C.K.
 
IMDB:
8.5
  Louis C.K.: Hilarious Movie Quotes »
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NOT RATED
Year:
2010
82 min
1,240 Views

Go ahead and put it away.

We'll deal with it later."

'Cause you don't--

You don't find out till you're

Looking down the barrel of it,

And it's really too late now.

Like, "oh, Jesus."

And the dick's

Looking up at you,

And it's all...

Like, "this is,

Like, a Dr. Seuss tree.

"I don't even--

It's all yellowy brown

With sprigs coming out."

And women are so nice.

I don't know a single story

of a woman who finally gets

A guy's dick out and goes,

"No. That--no.

"That's not your dick.

Come on!

"Take out your penis.

"That's not a penis.

That's bullshit."

They just go, "okay.

Oh, f***.

What hole can i put this in

That'll depress me the least?"

And i have--

I have met some women

Since i been single,

And they've been younger,

Mostly,

Because women my age--

I like women my age,

But they're mostly either

Married with children

Or in a room alone,

Angry and crazy.

One or the other.

They're not out looking

To f*** a comic, generally.

But young women

Are up for something.

They'll f*** you and do

Other things later.

Like...

And also,

With younger women,

I'm in competition

With younger guys,

And younger guys

Are not very subtle.

They don't really know

How to talk to a woman

Even their own age.

They're just kind of all--

Like, penis skin's been grafted

On their whole body.

They're just--

[Mutters]

"Can i--is this...

"Is this is a f*** date?

'Cause i...

I just want to put my come

In your body."

It's just a lot of pressure.

And then the young woman

Meets me,

And i'm like, "hey, look,

"I've been jerking off in

The guest room for 15 years.

"I'm like the man

In the iron mask.

I'm just happy to be out."

Young guys are--

They're afraid of women.

They're afraid

of their feelings.

"My girlfriend's mad at me!"

Well, later she won't be.

F***ing calm down.

They're afraid

of their bodies.

They're afraid

of women's bodies.

"My girlfriend's having

Her period. What do i do?"

F*** her in the period hole,

You idiot.

What is--what's the dilemma?

I don't give a sh*t.

If you're having your period,

Come on over.

I'm 41. I'm--i'll f***

The sh*t out of you.

I'll drink the blood.

Let's party.

Thank you very much, guys.

You guys--you were great.

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

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Louis C.K.

Louis A. Székely (born September 12, 1967), better known by his stage name Louis C.K. (), is a Mexican American stand-up comedian, writer, actor, and filmmaker. He is known for his use of observational, self-deprecating, dark, and shock humor. In 2012, C.K. won a Peabody Award and has received six Primetime Emmy Awards, as well as numerous awards for The Chris Rock Show, Louie, and his stand-up specials Live at the Beacon Theater (2011) and Oh My God (2013). He has won the Grammy Award for Best Comedy Album twice. Rolling Stone ranked C.K.'s stand-up special Shameless number three on their "Divine Comedy: 25 Best Stand-Up Specials and Movies of All Time" list and ranked him fourth on its 2017 list of the 50 best stand-up comics of all time.C.K. began his career in the 1990s writing for comedians including David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Dana Carvey, Chris Rock, and also for other comedy shows. Also in this period, he was directing surreal short films and went on to direct two features—Tomorrow Night (1998) and Pootie Tang (2001). In 2001, C.K. released his debut comedy album, Live in Houston directly through his website and became among the first performers to offer direct-to-fan sales of tickets to his stand-up shows, as well as DRM-free video concert downloads, via his website. He has released nine comedy albums, often directing and editing his specials as well. He had supporting acting roles in the films The Invention of Lying (2009), American Hustle, Blue Jasmine (both 2013), and Trumbo (2015). C.K. created, directed, executive produced, starred in, wrote, and was the primary editor of, Louie, an acclaimed semi-autobiographical comedy-drama series aired from 2010 to 2015 on FX. In 2016, C.K. created and starred in his self-funded web series Horace and Pete. He also co-created the shows Baskets and Better Things for FX and voiced Max the dog in the animated film The Secret Life of Pets in the same year. His 2017 film, I Love You, Daddy, was pulled from distribution prior to its scheduled release date after multiple women accused him of sexual misconduct which he then admitted to. more…

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