Louis C.K.: Hilarious Page #9

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She's not going, like,

"Dad, i'm pretty sure

Those are pig newtons,"

Which would be a little

Cunty, but acceptable.

I could deal with that.

She's giving me nothing.

"No, you don't know.

Those are pig--"

I'm like,

"Really? I don't know?

"I don't know?

"Dude, i'm not even using

My memory right now, okay?

"I'm reading the f***ing box

"That the sh*t came out of!

"It says it!

Where are you getting

Your information?"

"How do you f*** with me

On this?

"You're 3 and i'm 41!

"What are the odds that

You're right and i'm wrong?

"What are the sheer odds

of that?

"And take a bite

of the cookie.

"Does it taste like

A pork cookie, motherf***er?

"I don't think so.

Why would they call it

A pig newton?"

"What's--

Oh, it tastes like figs.

F***ing interesting,

That, isn't it?"

I didn't say a word of that.

Obviously.

But anyway, later...

Got the kids dressed.

It's winter.

We all have the layers on,

And it's time

To go to school.

And i've got ten minutes

To get to a school

That's ten minutes away,

Which is a horrible feeling.

I put my hand

On the door to leave,

And all of a sudden i go,

"I got to take a sh*t.

"Take the coats off, kids.

"We're gonna be late.

"You're gonna be

I don't give a sh*t."

I am not walking

To school like this.

I can't use the bathroom

At the school,

'Cause child molesters

Ruined that for everybody.

Just--we're--

I'm shitting here.

So i'm sitting on the toilet.

I'm shitting.

With the door open,

By the way.

That's my life.

Two kids by myself.

I can't sh*t

With the door closed.

Unless i gather them

Into the bathroom

To watch daddy take a dump.

Which i've done

With the little one.

"Honey, uh, i got to poop

And you're too crazy.

Just come with me.

You got to come with me."

So i'm sitting there,

And i'm shitting,

And i'm trying to see them

In the other room.

"Honey,

Stay between the tables.

I can't see you,"

I said.

The little one

Walks into view naked.

It's all gone.

All gone.

Walks up, looks at me.

And then she--

I don't know why,

But she shows me her ass.

It's something

She always does when she's--

She just goes--

"Look at it!

Daddy,

You're not looking!"

So i'm sitting there shitting,

Looking at her ass.

[Clears throat]

And i saw something

That i'd never seen before.

And i'm gonna describe it to you

The way that i saw it,

Because it just--i didn't know

What i was looking at.

I'm looking at her little,

White ass.

She's white. Little, perfect,

Little, white ass.

And right in the center of it,

This little black dot

Just--boop!

Appeared like magic.

That's what it

Looked like to me,

Because i've never

Seen sh*t

Actually coming out

of an ass before.

I never saw that.

I never saw the sh*t--

Like, the crowning,

The sh*t coming out.

And if you ever do see that,

It's f***ing bananas, man.

It's weird.

And upsetting.

I yelled.

I went, "aah!"

And a second later, just--

She just drops

This massive--

I felt the impact tremor

Under my feet.

This huge pile of sh*t.

Just a pile.

Like several people's

Pile of sh*t.

Like a port-a-potty on

The last day of the festival.

Just a huge,

Huge pile of sh*t.

How? She's three.

This kid shits like a bear.

I don't understand it.

Seriously.

If you were in the woods

And you saw a sh*t like that,

You'd be like, "let's get

The f*** out of here!

Run!"

Huge pile of sh*t.

As big as her whole body.

Easily.

I thought she would just crumple

Like a balloon on top of it.

"Huh. Weird."

She's standing there just

Straddling this huge sh*t,

Presenting it, like...

She slips, falls

Right into her own sh*t.

Yes, fell--

I was there.

Fell right in the middle

of her own heap of sh*t.

Her head hit the floor.

You know that sound of your

Kid's head hitting the floor?

[Smacks stool]

"Ooh. Oh, God.

"Uh, she's done.

"That's it for her.

She's finished.

"She's gonna be running

To the mailbox once a day.

That's about it for her."

Now she's laying

In her sh*t,

Screaming and crying

And making an angel.

I run over.

I'm still shitting,

Holding a

Sh*t-covered child.

We're the sh*t family.

That's what we are.

The seven-year-old's

Standing there,

"I got to get

The f*** out of here.

This is horrible."

That's my life right now,

Man.

That's--like, where in there

Do i fit, like,

Getting p*ssy?

Like, there's no place

For that.

I can't even think about it.

I tried to, like--

The other day i was, like,

Okay, take a sexual

Inventory here.

What do you got left,

You know?

And i went--

I took off my clothes,

And i stood in the mirror,

And i looked in the mirror,

Like, a full-length mirror,

Naked.

I'll never do that again.

I don't need--

I don't need to do it.

I can go my whole life

Without doing it again.

I'm going to.

I'm not in good shape.

I'm not in the worst shape.

I mean,

I went to a doctor,

And he gave me the whole

He's like, "all right, well,

Your cholesterol is high,

"But i don't expect you

To do anything about that.

"And your prostate's

A little bit too big.

"Let's go ahead and let it

Be a little too big.

And you're only

Cosmetically overweight."

I was like, "what?"

He goes,

"Your overweightness,

It's not a medical issue."

I'm like, "well, so then you

didn't have to say anything.

Why--why did you even

bring it up?"

You're just saying, like,

"Well, medically speaking,

You don't have a weight

problem, but you look gross."

That's what he's saying.

I'm looking at myself,

And here's the problem,

Is that i didn't even

wear down evenly.

Like, different parts

of my body

Are older than others.

Like, my dick and balls

Don't even match each other.

Like, my balls

Are older than me.

They're, like, the old--

I swear to God.

I'm 41.

My balls are, like, 72.

They're really old, and they

Just kind of hang there.

They're just hanging, like...

They look like they're being

Rescued by a helicopter

From a mountain.

[Imitates helicopter]

They've been trapped

On a mountain together.

Zipped together

In a sleeping bag.

[Shuddering]

"If we ever get out of this,

I'll never call you lefty again.

I'm sorry."

And then my dick is, like,

Happy and shiny

And young-looking.

My penis is, like, a young,

Walking down with these

Two old guys following him.

Hey, man, hang back.

I'm trying to get some p*ssy.

Get out of here.

[Elderly voice]

"Wait for us."

And at some point,

I got to show this sh*t

To some poor,

Unfortunate woman

That has to see this

F***ed up package of mine.

I don't know what--

Like, i'll tuck my balls

Between my legs.

"I don't have balls.

I just have a penis.

Is that okay?"

That must be weird for women,

That you don't know what kind of

Dick and balls you're gonna get

Until it's way too late.

Like, it's the last

Thing you see.

And it doesn't seem fair.

It should be the first

Thing you see.

Every date should start

With a guy taking out--

"Is this gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine.

It's gonna be worth my time.

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