Love & Air Sex Page #2

have to introduce in the first act,

not the third act,

that you're f***ing a ghost.

Unless we're doing an

M. Night Shyamalama thing...

We are not gonna do an

M. Night Shyamalama thing!

Did I tell you how many guys I

slept with after our last breakup?

No?

Seven.

Wow!

Yep.

That's kind of

a lot, right?

It's... It's not a little.

So you're gonna do that in

front of hundreds of people?

Yeah.

Okay. That's ridiculous.

Right. You do know that, right?

No, no, I do,

I do, I do.

I know that it's

ridiculous to win the finals

and get a month

of free alcohol.

Horny college girls knowing

that we know how to f***?

It's silly, actually.

Okay, guys, order up!

Backdoor Tacos never die!

They just multiply.

Ah, muchas gracias!

Look, man, can we just go to a

regular bar, like the Dog & Duck?

The Dog & Duck

suck and f***?

F*** that place.

What do you mean,

"F*** that place"?

He lost it in the divorce.

Shut the f*** up, Joey.

Just wanted some other

dick, you know? Yeah...

Like, I live

with Jeff's dick.

It's just so familiar.

I see his pee coming

out of it and I'm like,

"Oh, I have sex

with that sometimes. "

It's like an appliance.

Like a microwave.

Like a tiny

little microwave.

It's tiny?

Oh, like the fist of a preemie. Ew.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Stan's is...

Is what?

Is huge?

No.

Is hairy?

No.

Is it all crooked?

What?

Hey, I once had sex

with this guy

whose dick was so crooked it

looked like a question mark

whenever he got hard.

Oh! What do you

want to know, little lady?

No, it's...

It's perfect.

No, Cath,

"Was", okay?

You gotta put that dick

in the past tense.

No, I know.

Losing the sex stuff

and the relationship stuff,

it's been hard.

But losing the friendship's

been the worst.

And I could really use a

friend up there right now.

Oh, buddy.

Sometimes I just wanna

check in with him, you know.

Yeah.

Hear about

what he's doing.

Okay, come here.

Stand here.

No reason to be

nervous, okay?

We're gonna do something

very, very simple.

It's not even sexual,

okay? I just want you to

do a little

exercise with me.

Huh?

We're just doing some Tai

Chi, that's all this is.

Is this weird?

Yeah, this is weird.

Well, that's on you,

my friend.

Okay. Now, we're just gonna

make a little adjustment.

I just want you to turn

your hands inward, like that.

Huh? Now look

what happened!

There it is!

What's all this, now?

Oh, my gosh, we're having

sex with a beautiful woman.

Wow, so beautiful. Yeah,

man, just go with that.

Now just

elaborate on that.

You can be

the best sex guy ever,

your dick can be 30 feet

Daredevil, man.

Dude, go with that!

Aah! Aah!

Wet her whistle, man.

Jingle her bells.

My dick is so big!

This is her face, that's

her ass, go. You see that?

Oh, it's good, it's good,

you're really good.

Help, get into it, though,

like, join me.

'Cause that's her ass and this is

her... That's okay, you do this one.

I'll take the next one,

you do this one. Ooh!

Come on.

Yeah, there it is.

That was her head, I think.

No, I've got her head.

You're going in the ass. Okay.

Look. Let's try

something over here.

Okay.

Oh! You are so

f***ing pretty, Cathy!

What? No!

Yeah!

I'm serious, dude.

This is gonna sell like crazy

once I get it on my site.

Of course it will!

It's gorgeous!

Oh.

Who's that?

Just some loser

who won't leave me alone.

All right.

Work it, b*tch!

But it's true, though,

in Africa they...

There's many cultures,

there's a bunch of countries...

Hey. Hey, guys?

Why don't we just, like,

hit up a bunch

of different bars?

You know, just stop at a bunch

of places, get shots at each one,

I'll buy shots.

Stan, I understand if you want

to sit out on the bench tonight.

I get that you have body-shame

issues, you've got fat knees,

that's not your fault,

all right?

But it doesn't mean you can't still

bang some strange this evening, buddy.

Okay, yeah. It's been

a long time

since you entered

the field of battle,

that's true.

Uh-huh.

And you're worried about

hatching out of your shell

before you're

fully incubated.

Nobody likes preemies,

they're disgusting.

That's not

gonna be an issue,

because I'm gonna give you a couple

of arrows to put into your quiver.

That's going to help you

to bring down the big game.

Maybe pick one metaphor?

Okay.

I'm just assuming that

you... Follow me here, Stan.

Girls guard the vagina.

Yeah, they guard it

with their life.

Okay? So we have

to guard the penis.

Oh, okay. Like a hockey goal, you know?

He doesn't like metaphors.

The puck is the vagina.

He doesn't like them, so

we're not gonna use metaphors.

Stan?

You've gotta let them know

they can't have this.

Because people always want what they

can't have. What they can't have...

See? So, you've gotta be an a**hole!

Yeah, but not a giant a**hole. Right.

You can't be

an unfuckable a**hole,

you have

to be discreet.

You have to

say things to women

that appear nice at

first... Very discreet.

Right. They appear nice, but

really, they're kind of mean.

Do y'all have a tab?

Jenkins.

Woo, that is a serious

STD sandwich.

Who cares about them,

this is our night, right?

Mmm-hmm.

Here is to home.

This will always be home,

no matter what.

Boom! ATX in the hizzle!

Little bit weird!

How's it going, ladies?

Wow, you girls

look really pretty.

I'm sorry, are you lost?

You're

funny, I like your hair.

And your tats.

You wanna dance?

Mmm, no.

Oh. Why?

Is your boyfriend here?

I don't have a boyfriend.

He's an idiot!

Okay, so,

for example, um...

You would say something like,

"That's a beautiful dress you have on,

"it really makes

your ass look small. "

Or, like my friend says,

"You're a fat ass,

"but you're really not

that big. "

Or, "Hey, is that

a beauty mark,

"or do you just have

some sh*t on your face?"

That's really good.

That's really...

Can I use that?

Yeah, of course.

That's a good line.

Essentially, what

we're doing, Stan,

is we're lowering

their self-esteem

so that then they look

to us for validation

and we can...

you tell girls they're ugly so

they'll want to have sex with you.

Yeah.

In a nutshell.

Oh! Geez, um... Oh, I'm

so sorry, are you okay?

Yeah, it's... I...

Oh, my goodness, here.

Take that for you.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry, can I

get you another drink?

Uh, no, that's okay...

I mean, I think you look

like you need another drink.

Um...

Here, have some of mine.

No, I'm fine.

No, no, no,

no roofies in this one.

On that note,

I'm gonna leave you.

You know what?

You killed that.

Oh.

Excuse me,

two vodka tonics, please. No,

actually, I was just about to, um...

To go.

Oh, are you?

I wonder if I could possibly

make this any more awkward.

No, no, it's not you,

it's just...

Oh, my God,

my friend is...

Oh, humping my brother

on the dance floor.

What? That's

your brother?

Unfortunately, yes.

Wow, that just made

this way more awkward.

I knew we could do it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes