Love & Air Sex Page #3

Here, cheers.

Who's this?

Um...

Give the girl

some room.

You got a text.

Oh, f***.

Oh, f***, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh!

Oh, we have

an a**hole!

He's blowing right

into an a**hole!

Unbelievable!

Now he's getting another guy

to suck the weed out of the ass!

All right.

Hey, hey.

Now look, all right,

all right, all right.

Now, look. I've shown

you what I can do up here.

Huh, huh, huh?

Now it's time

for you to show me

what you can do, huh?

Come on.

Huh? Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, come on,

no, don't sit down.

Dude, you've gotta get

up there, it's your time.

You've been practicing,

you're the man.

You're the diamond in

the rough, you can shine!

The air wants to f***,

and you must f*** the air.

You must f*** the air.

You must f*** the air.

You must f*** the air!

You must f*** the air!

You must f*** the air!

What are you doing?

Okay, so,

that's why you came.

I will f*** the air!

Now I know

why you're here.

I was gonna

tell you, dude, I just...

Oh, yeah.

F*** the air

like a stallion, my friend!

Can I say something?

Oh, speak.

Uh, this is gonna go out

to my ex-girlfriend

who recently kicked me

out of my house.

Ooh.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey. Kara Jenkins?

You can't get this dick!

That's what's up!

Put

your hands together

for Mr. Fuckasaurus Sex!

Yeah.

Do it.

What you got

down there?

I'm such a terrible friend.

No, you're not.

No.

Yes, I am.

I am.

Well, maybe today,

but not usually.

It's just so hard!

It's so hard,

it's so hard to be

friends with both of you,

I love you both

so much!

Don't cry, sweet girl.

I love you, Cathy.

Oh, Ralphie's here.

That's it, that's it.

Why am I such a b*tch sometimes?

Oh, no, you're not a b*tch.

Mmm, you're sexy.

You're so sweet...

What the f***?

What are you doing?

Kissing your tears away.

You think your fish face is

gonna make me feel better?

Come on, buddy.

So he came all the way

to Austin just to see me?

Half creepy,

half romantic.

Good old Stan.

I cannot see him tonight.

I'm not ready.

She's just like

a young Goldie Hawn.

Okay.

In Wildcats.

I mean, I see it.

Just, so hot.

The coach, right?

So feisty!

Do you

wanna go home?

No! No, that is not

why I came here.

I came here

to have fun.

To have a good time.

Word up.

Let's just go someplace he'd

never go in a million years.

What about them?

Is it just me, or doesn't

he look like that guy

from Midnight Cowboy?

Like Jon Voight.

I love you.

That's a nice ass, huh?

Did you just say

"nice ass"?

No.

Really, that wasn't you?

I... No, I would

never say that.

Oh, well, thanks.

Not that you don't have one,

I'm just... See, you were!

You were looking at my ass. I wasn't!

What happened? Dropped

my phone down there.

Can you not reach it?

Well, do you see it

in my hand?

You don't

have to do that.

It's fine.

I've been out here for like, 20

minutes and nobody's offered to help.

Yeah, people suck.

They really do.

Nice ass, by the way.

Wait, hold on.

Maybe this comes off.

Uh, I don't know...

Yeah...

Thanks.

Um...

Right. Oh, hold on, you

might step on it, so...

Can I use your phone?

Can I call it? Yep.

I'll see it

light up, and...

Thanks.

213, LA, really?

Yeah, why?

Whoa!

Wicked.

Oh, okay, uh...

Got it!

Oh, yes!

Thanks.

Yeah. Oh, ah...

You got some...

Oh, okay.

What?

Nothing.

Well, thank you.

Yeah.

You are a good Samaritan.

Is that yours?

This?

No, I just found it and I

thought, it looked pretty cool.

So, you are a musician?

Yeah, I play the cello

and I sing.

Cello and vocals! I've never

seen anyone do that. That's cool.

Well, if you come to

the Ale House tomorrow

you could be the only

person in Austin to see it.

I just played a show

to a bartender.

Oh, that sucks.

I'd love to come.

Uh, that would be awesome.

Yeah. I, um...

I don't really have a car

here, so I'm a little bit...

Oh, don't worry about it.

If you can't make it, totally

fine, but call me because

I think I owe you

a thank-you drink.

Okay, did you wanna

give me your, uh...

213, remember?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, 213.

Are you texting

your boyfriend?

Mmm-hmm.

Tell him it's over.

Tell him you found

a real man.

No, Ralphie.

That right there,

that is a real man.

How you're related

to him, I do not know.

Maybe your mom forgot to put in her diaphragm

while she was working the donkey show.

Yeah, ha-ha, ha-ha.

Go get me another

drink, Eeyore.

You got it.

Whoo!

I can't believe you

know how to do that.

Lessons for two years.

Ready for a drink?

Oh.

Um, sure.

Okay.

So, um, what made you decide

to take two-stepping lessons?

Well, not what, who.

Who?

Oh.

What?

My ex-wife.

Two Buds, please.

Oh!

Okay.

Yeah.

Could've used a little record

skipping sound effect right there.

No, no, no, no.

Not at all.

Not at all.

Divorce,

In fact, let's change it.

What about you?

Um...

What's your favorite

color? Purple?

Mine's... Personally,

I like tangerine.

Look, uh...

I feel like that's my color.

Oh, yeah.

Let's hear it for,

Poke-a-Hot-Ass.

Quiet.

Not cool.

And now,

Fuckasaurus Sex!

Fuckasaurus Sex!

I think we've got

ourselves a winner!

So, sorry, honey.

You're going to

the finals, man.

How do you feel?

How do you feel?

I feel f***ing

awesome right now.

Redge, did you get that?

Got that sh*t like Spielberg.

What the f*** even is this?

What?

Nothing.

Let me see?

I wanna see.

Get off my sh*t.

I wanna know.

I wanna know all

your secrets.

Oh, God.

Confess them to me.

Confess them to you?

Yeah.

We can cry together

in a field.

Okay.

Like...

Okay.

You want to know

what turns me on?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Doing bad things in public.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Take it out.

Okay.

What?

Take it out.

I don't know.

Mmm-hmm.

But all these

people can see.

I know. It's what

gets me so wet.

I don't know.

Come on, Ralphie,

show it to me.

Can I get it

erect first?

Do you wanna have

sex tonight or what?

Oh!

Hey! No, hey!

Hey!

Whoa. Thanks.

That's right! Man of the hour,

ladies and gentlemen.

Stan!

Stan, Stan, Stan.

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be balls

deep in Cathy by now.

Yeah, that's not

gonna happen.

No, it's not gonna

happen, is it, Stan?

Although it is a shame that

you flew all the way to Texas

to stalk a girl who doesn't

even wanna be stalked.

I didn't come here

to stalk her.

No? You came here to see me.

That's amazing, Stan.

That's awesome. Hi!

Hold this, please.

Hello, ladies.

How you doing?

Hey, I just wanna say I thought

that you did absolutely incredible.

Whatever, Dinocock.

F*** off.

Uh. I am not kidding.

I'm not kidding.

I'm just on our

way out, so...

Oh, well, if we would have

had your candy-ass cheerleaders

on our side then

maybe we would have.

Okay, can I speak with

you for a second?

No, no.

Um, yeah.

No, no.

Okay.

Seriously?

Hey, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you, too.

Yeah. Okay.

How do you do it?

What?

How do you do the splits?

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