Love Actually Page #2

Lighting and camera need to know

when we're actually gonna see

the, um, nipples and when we're not.

Yes, okay. Right.

Well, at least

it's nice and warm in here.

It's not always the case, is it?

I was standing in

for Brad Pitt once on, you know,

Seven Years In Tibet.

Yes, yeah.

Bloody freezing, right...

Yeah, sorry, guys. Time's pretty tight

and we have to get the actors in.

Fine.

I promise I won't look.

[Man Over P.A.] Right, let's have

another look at that then, please.

Okay.

And Jerry says if you could just

put your hands on her breasts.

Oh, right, okay, yeah.

Is that all right?

Yes. Yeah, fine.

I'll warm 'em up.

Right.

And massage them, please.

Right.

It's Junction 13

that's just murder, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Total gridlock this morning.

Jo and I had a lot of time

to prepare for this moment.

Some of her, uh, requests,

uh, for instance,

that I should bring Claudia Schiffer

as my date to the funeral...

I was confident

she expected me to ignore.

But others she was

pretty damn clear about.

When she first mentioned

what's about to happen,

I said, "Over my dead body."

And she said,

"No, Daniel, over mine."

And, uh, as usual, my darling girl...

and Sam's darling mum, was right.

So she's going to say her final farewell

to you, not through me,

but inevitably...

ever so coolly...

through the immortal genius

of the Bay City Rollers.

Do you love him?

Uh, what?

No, I just thought I'd ask the blunt question

in case it was the right one and

you needed someone to talk to about it.

And no one had ever asked you,

so you'd never been able to talk about it

even though you might have wanted to.

No, no. No is the answer.

Absolutely not.

So, that's a no then?

Yes.

Um...

This D.J., what do you reckon?

The worst in history?

Probably. I think it all hangs

on the next song.

Now here's one for the lovers.

That's quite a few of you.

I shouldn't be surprised and a half.

He's done it. It's official.

Worst D.J. In the world.

Sarah is waiting for you.

Oh, yes, of course. Um...

Great. Uh, good, good.

How are you doing, Mia?

Are you settling in fine,

learning who to avoid?

Absolutely.

Harry?

Sarah, switch off your phone...

and, um, tell me exactly how long it is

that you've been working here.

Um...

Two years, seven months,

three days and, I suppose,

what, two hours?

And how long have you

been in love with Karl,

our enigmatic chief designer?

[Nervous Chuckle]

Um...

Two years, seven months,

three days and, I suppose,

an hour and 30 minutes.

Thought as much.

Do you think everybody knows?

Yes.

Do you think Karl knows?

Yes.

Oh, that is... that is bad news.

Well, I just thought that maybe the time

had come to do something about it.

Like what?

Invite him out for a drink,

and then after about 20 minutes,

casually drop into the conversation

the fact that you'd like to marry him

and have lots of sex and babies.

You know that?

Yes.

And so does Karl.

Think about it, for all our sakes.

It's Christmas.

Certainly. Excellent.

Will do.

Thanks, boss.

Hi, Sarah.

Hi, Karl.

Excuse me.

[Man Over Radio]

# Come on and let it show #

[Cell Phone Ringing]

Babe.

Absolutely. Fire away.

Mia? Mia, could you

turn that down?

What is that?

And that was the Christmas effort

by the once-great Billy Mack.

Oh, dear me,

how are the mighty fallen.

I could safely put my hand up my arse

and say that is the worst record

I've heard this century.

Oh, and coincidentally,

I believe Billy will be...

a guest on my friend Mike's show

in a few minutes'time.

Welcome back, Bill.

So, Billy, welcome back to the airwaves.

New Christmas single,

cover of"Love Is All Around."

Except we've changed the word

"love" to "Christmas."

Yes. Uh, is that

an important message to you, Bill?

Not really, Mike.

Christmas is a time for people

with someone they love in their lives.

- And that's not you?

- That's not me, Michael.

When I was young and successful,

I was greedy and foolish.

And now I'm left with no one,

wrinkled and alone.

Wow. Um, thanks for that, Bill.

- For what?

- Well, for actually giving

a real answer to a question.

Doesn't often happen here

at Radio Watford, I can tell you.

- Ask me anything you like,

I'll tell you the truth.

- Uh, best shag you ever had?

- Britney Spears.

- Wow.

No, only kidding.

She was rubbish.

Okay. Um, here's one.

How do you think...

the new record compares

to your old classic stuff?

Oh, come on, Mikey.

You know as well as I do the record's crap.

[Chuckling]

But wouldn't it be great

if number one this Christmas

wasn't some smug teenager,

but an old ex-heroin addict

searching for a comeback at any price?

All those young popsters,

come Christmas Day,

they'll be stretched out naked

with a cute bird balancing on their balls.

And I'll be stuck in some dingy flat

with me manager, Joe,

ugliest man in the world.

F***ing miserable because

our f***ing gamble didn't pay off.

So if you believe in Father Christmas,

children, like your Uncle Billy does,

buy my festering turd of a record.

And particularly enjoy

the incredible crassness of the moment...

when we try to squeeze

an extra syllable into the fourth line.

"Come on and let it snow." Ouch!

So, uh, here it is one more time.

The dark horse for this year's

Christmas number one,

"Christmas Is All Around."

Is the new Prime Minister

in trouble already?

Okay, what's next?

The president's visit.

Ah, yes, yes.

I fear this is going to be

a difficult one to play.

Alex?

There's a very strong

feeling in the party...

we mustn't allow ourselves

to be bullied from pillar to post

like the last government.

Hear. Hear.

This is our first

really important test.

Let's take a stand.

Right.

Right. I understand that,

but I have decided... not to.

Not this time.

We will, of course, try to be clever,

but let's not forget that America

is the most powerful country in the world.

I'm not gonna act like a petulant child.

Who do you have to screw round here

to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?

[All Chuckling]

Right.

[Knocking]

Yeah, come in.

These have just come

through from the Treasury.

- Uh-huh.

- And these are for you.

- Excellent. Thanks a lot.

- I was hoping you'd win.

Not that I wouldn't have been nice to

the other bloke too. Just always given him

the boring biscuits with no chocolate.

Thanks very much.

Thanks, Natalie.

Oh God. Come on. Get a grip.

You're the prime minister,

for God's sake.

[Man]

Raise the lamp a bit.

So, what do you reckon

to our new prime minister, then?

Oh, I like him.

I can't understand why

he's not married, though.

Well, you know the type.

He's, uh, married to his job.

Either that or gay

as a picnic basket.

[Chuckles]

Um, excuse me.

Judy, if you could just

lower the nipples and

cheat them a bit to the left.

Okay.

You know, I have to say, Judy,

this is a real pleasure.

It's lovely to find someone

I can actually chat to.

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