Love and Death Page #3

Who is this attractive

and mysterious soldier?

Boris Grushenko.

- Sorry. I goosed that lady.

- He has quite a sensitive face.

That's the part of me that shows.

Grushenko. Isn't he the young coward

all Saint Petersburg is talking about?

- Not so young. I'm 35.

- The one so afraid for his own safety,

he won't defend his country?

He is in a bad mood.

Don't you like your seats?

You must visit me for tea.

I'm sure we'd have a lot to talk about.

OK. I'll bring the tea bags.

We could run a check

on your erogenous zones.

- What about the dybbuk?

- Why do you always taunt me in public?

If you so much as

come near the Countess,

I'll see that you never see daylight again.

If a man said that to me,

I'd break his neck!

- I am a man.

- Well, I mean a much shorter man.

Boris! Boris Dimitrovitch!

Sonja!

Look at you.

You look so handsome in your uniform.

I got a perfect build for clothes.

I'm a 28 dwarf.

And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful

standing here than you do in person.

- Oh, Boris, I'm so unhappy.

- I wish you weren't.

Voskovec and I quarrel frequently.

- I've become a scandal.

- Poor Sonja.

I've been visiting Seretsky in his room.

Why? What's in his room?

And before Seretsky, Alexei.

And before Alexei, Alegorian.

- And before Alegorian, Asimov.

- OK!

Wait! I'm still on the A's.

- How many lovers do you have?

- In the midtown area?

- Oh, Sonja.

- Boris, my life is ruined. Over.

I can't stand Voskovec.

His mentality has reduced all the beauty

of the world to a small pickled fish.

Sonja, you need somebody

to take you away from Voskovec.

Someone who loves you. Someone who's

always loved you and cared for you.

How is your brother lvan?

- Ivan's all right.

- Yes? lvan is well?

Ivan's a tiger. He did his basic training

in two weeks. Became a major.

- Does he ever speak of me?

- Sonja, he's busy.

Well, he must!

He must speak of me sometimes.

Take it easy, will you?

This is army property.

He... Once he was sick... He was delirious.

He called your name out.

Really? Then there's hope.

Look. Tomorrow, my regiment pulls out.

We're going to the front.

We're outnumbered by the French.

It's unlikely that any of us will come back.

- Exactly what did he say about me?

- Sonja!

Now, where did you say you were going?

Oh, yes, the war. Well...

Dress warmly, Boris,

and have a nice time.

The idea is not to panic and run,

then they shoot you in the back.

I don't want to be trampled by a horse.

And you, Boris?

I wouldn't mind.

I don't even want to fight.

It's no different living

under the Tsar or Napoleon.

They're both crooks. The Tsar's taller.

If you don't like Napoleon

and you don't like the Tsar,

who do you think should run the country?

- Do you really wanna know? The serfs.

- Oh, the serfs.

Only they know how to do things.

A fence needs putting up,

it's always the serfs.

He wants the serfs to run the country.

Why not the criminal element?

Or the Jews?

Some Jews are smart. Though I hear their

women don't practise sex after marriage.

- Are you married, Boris?

- Me? No.

- You got a sweetheart?

- No. I'm in love with a girl. She's married.

She's in love with someone and he's

married. It's a real healthy situation.

Hey, look, Boris. Look.

- What have you got there?

- I got a lock of my wife's hair.

A lock of her hair.

Jeez, she's probably running around bald.

Don't drop it. Have you got

a lock of your sweetheart's hair?

No. She's married.

But I got a lock of her husband's hair.

Boy, this army cooking'll

get you every time.

There's Visinksy. He was from my village.

- He was the village idiot.

- Yeah, what did you do? Place?

Oh, God is testing us.

If he's gonna test us,

why doesn't he give us a written?

Wow! The battle looks completely

different in the middle of it

than it does

to the generals up on the hill.

Hey, get your red-hots.

- You got anything to drink?

- The guy with the beer's coming.

You got something smaller than that?

I just started.

We started the battle with 12,000 men.

When it was over, we had 14 survivors.

We got a message from the Tsar

saying "Keep up the good work."

That night, as I was burying bodies,

I had anothermystical experience.

Mercifully, God was on our side.

It could have gone a lot worse

if he wasn't. It might have rained.

Grushenko!

- Vladimir Maximovitch. You're alive.

- No, I'm dead. Look at this hole.

- Oh, does it hurt?

- I feel nothing.

You don't look so bad for a guy

who's dead. I think it agrees with you.

- Listen, do me a favour.

- Anything.

This engagement ring, I was gonna

give it to my girlfriend. A surprise.

- You want me to give it to her?

- No, what's the point?

Take it back to the jeweller's in Smolensk.

Vladimir Petroshnik.

Tell him I'm dead and get a refund.

- OK. What did you give him for this?

- 1600 roubles.

- For this you gave him 1600 roubles?

- This is a diamond with two baguettes...

This is insane!

I could have gotten you this ring for 1200.

- Never that ring. Never.

- The exact same ring.

Anyway. Listen, take the deposit.

- Go to Kiev.

- Right.

- Give it to a woman, Natasha Petrovna.

- Right. OK.

Get a receipt.

Make sure you get a receipt.

- Why do you need that? You're dead.

- Tax purposes.

Oh! Good thinking.

- What happened?

- He was cleaning his pistol. It went off.

- The bullet has lodged in his heart.

- Is it serious?

With proper medical care,

he could last another ten minutes.

Why were you cleaning your pistol?

I was going to fight a duel

to defend your honour.

A Turkish cavalry officer

cast aspersions on it.

He said you were sleeping around.

I knew he was lying, that you were pure.

Yes, well...

Leonid, I know I could have been

a better wife to you.

Kinder. I could have made love

with you more often.

- Or once, even.

- Once would have been nice.

You were a kind and loving husband.

Generous and always considerate.

What's he got? About eight minutes?

I think I'm slow. He's got about three.

Swimming out to the open sea

like the great wild herring.

I realise this must be

a great blow to you, Sonja.

But you must not allow yourself

to be consumed with grief.

The dead pass on,

and life is for the living.

I guess you're right.

Where do you wanna eat?

- Let's go to Rykoffs.

- No, no, no.

- Why?

- I feel like meat, not a cheese sandwich.

It's not good for your health.

There's a tavern at the edge of the square

makes a sausage that's wonderful.

Meanwhile, the war continued.

My regiment had been wiped out and

I found myselflost behind enemy lines.

I panicked, and hid where I could.

Then I fainted.

When I came to, I realised

I had made a terrible mistake.

As fate would have it, I landed

on a group ofFrench generals,

causing theirimmediate surrender,

and making me a hero.

My brotherlvan was not so lucky.

He was a fatality ofwar.

He had been bayoneted to death

by a Polish conscientious objector.

You're praying for lvan?

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