Love And Other Drugs Page #2

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- What family is Feldene a part of?

- Non-steroidal...

Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory.

An NSAID.

A better world, that's why we're here.

Lipitor in Palm Beach!

Xanax, New England!

What about you, Jamie-bamie?

Zoloft and Zithromax

in the Ohio River Valley.

Welcome to Pfizer!

What are you thinking about?

Money.

Pay attention.

We are not going door-to-door selling

oatmeal cookies for the Girl Scouts here.

You are not the goddamn Avon lady.

You understand what I'm saying?

This is hardcore sales,

and you have a quota.

And people at the home office

keeping track of that quota.

And your cold calls, and your mileage,

and your receipts.

How often you goddamn masturbate.

What is the quota for masturbation?

You can masturbate

as much as you like, smartass,

as long as you make a lot of money.

Okay.

Voila!

Okay, now, remember.

Hospitals have a no-reps policy.

Doesn't mean we can't give the docs

a nice, dry walk from their cars.

All right?

There he is. All right.

No time like the present.

- Get your head in the game.

- All right.

- Remember, Pfizer makes his life better.

- Okay.

Pfizer makes his patients happier,

- so he makes more money.

- Okay.

- Wait, the pens, the pens!

- Oh, the pens!

Always lead with a pen.

Gifts establish reciprocity!

Doctor!

Hey, Doctor, Jamie Randall. Pfizer.

How are you doing?

- No, thank you.

- Look... It's wet out here.

I don't want you compromising

your immune system.

Let's talk about Zithromax for a second.

Which part of "No, thank you"

do you not understand?

- You wanna take a pen?

- No, thank you.

Okay.

That's 33% fewer phone calls for you

at 4:
00 a. m.

Please stop, okay?

That's why I wanna talk to you

about Zithromax, okay?

We are throwing antibiotics at people

the minute they sneeze,

and it doesn't work on viruses anyway.

- What's your name?

- Goldstein.

Right. Dr. Goldstein,

okay, what we're doing...

No, what you're doing is creating

classes of drug-resistant superbugs.

And that might be good for business,

because you will develop

stronger antibiotics

and ruin people's

immune systems altogether.

- No... You...

- Thank you.

Models. Beauty queens.

Equestrian princesses. Sh*t.

You know what I heard?

They're even starting to hire strippers.

I heard that.

Hey, Lisa!

- Her name's not Lisa.

- I know. I know.

But if every time I say, "Hey, Lisa,"

then eventually she'll come up to me

and she'll be like, you know,

"My name's not Lisa, it's Jennifer,"

or whatever, and I'll do a big apology

and I'll say, "I thought you were the Lisa

who was mad at me for not calling. "

And from then on, Jennifer,

or whatever her name is,

will think that I dated a girl

who looked just like her, who I rejected.

She'll develop this unconscious need

to win my approval,

and from then on, it's cake.

Damn!

Accepted etiquette is one rep at a time.

Screw etiquette.

Competing reps are not your friends.

Okay, Knight.

- Where you going?

- Oh. Sorry.

Knight is a doc you gotta close.

Leads the largest group in the city.

Lots of f***ed-up college students

on Prozac who should be on Zoloft.

You always bring donuts?

Pharma sales is a lot like dating.

They want you to take them to dinner

and pretend to expect nothing in return.

- And no one ever got laid by going Dutch.

- Exactly.

Gail, good morning!

How are you this fine day?

Sick people touch those.

When I order a second test,

it's for a reason, God damn it.

Unbelievable!

That's him. Another time.

If they don't take us in five minutes,

we leave. Only losers wait.

There he is.

Hey there, beautiful. How you doing?

Get over here, Trey.

Two tickets to La Bohme on the 19th.

I hate you. Can't you go with me

instead of my husband?

Trey Hannigan. Lilly's Prozac rep,

top 10 nationally. The Devil.

He's on the phone with Watson.

You can go on back.

He's the reason

we never make our quota on Zoloft.

- Is he going in?

- What a dick!

If we can show 5% gains monthly,

we're going to the promised land.

The promised land?

Chicago.

Civilization. Culture.

And not incidentally, my wife and kids.

Only the great and near-great get Chicago,

but I got a hunch

that you and your swinging dick

might be my ticket to the big leagues.

Good morning.

Doctor only sees new reps

who bring a lunch.

Here's a list of available dates.

- The first one is in five weeks.

- Great.

Here's a list of approved foods,

no sushi, no salads.

No salads.

Leave your samples with me.

- Hi.

- Five weeks.

You're going to like me.

I beg your pardon?

Sooner or later, everybody does.

You wanna know why?

'Cause I'll do whatever it takes

to make that happen. I'm very trainable.

- What's your name?

- Gail. Five weeks.

Oh, Gail, that's not fair.

I'm laying myself bare here.

I'm revealing my true vulnerability.

And now you're stonewalling me.

Is that fair?

- That's not fair.

- You stay out of this.

Look at you angels of mercy! How do

the docs get any work done around here?

Fine. What do you want?

I just want you to let me leave my samples

where he'll see them.

'Cause otherwise, you're gonna

throw them away after I leave.

Gail. No sushi, no salads.

Who let you back here?

Oh! Dr. Knight! Do you know that

prescribing Zithromax for ear infections,

- diarrhea and...

- Cindy! Can you deal with this, please?

How about a pen?

Do you want a pen?

- Okay, Prince Charming, time's up.

- Oh! Okay.

Wow! That is a long handle!

- Would you like a pen?

- Thanks.

Purple.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Uh,

I got something for you today.

Wait, I think... Yup.

There's another one for you, too!

The thing about these pens is that

they have tiny little point tips on them,

and then I end up pressing too hard, and...

Hello, gorgeous.

Jamie! Jamie, they're beautiful!

Hey, Lisa!

Okay, this may have worked for you

in the past, but let me lay it out.

I became a rep for one reason, doctors.

To meet doctors, fraternize with doctors,

breed with doctors.

So next time you see me in the field,

don't ask for a handout.

It's just awkward.

I want Chicago, Randall. And right now,

you're not making it happen!

You're 20% below your quota for Z,

you're 45% below your quota for Zoloft!

You want me off your ass, you punk?

There's your answer.

He's got toddlers taking Prozac.

He's got dogs taking Prozac.

He'd have rocks taking Prozac

if they paid cash.

And by the way, you want

one doctor to start writing Zoloft?

It's the guy standing next to him.

- Knight?

- Knight.

Hannigan's butt buddy.

But I swear, he starts writing it,

the rest of the docs will follow.

And Windy City, here we come.

- Dr. Knight.

- Hey, I'm very late.

- One thousand dollars.

- Excuse me?

- It's a check for $1,000.

- For what?

For a special Pfizer preceptorship.

For me to shadow you, learn your practice,

and better serve the needs of doctors.

Are you bribing me?

No, Doctor, no.

It's a special Pfizer preceptorship

for me to shadow you.

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