Love And Other Drugs Page #7

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Oh, my God!

Look at you.

You're this

talented,

charming, handsome, capable,

determined, smart man.

I am?

Yes, you are.

I can juggle.

- Does it make it longer?

- Time or inches?

- How come we can't take it?

- You can.

Are you saying

that we can get hard?

There is some indication

of increased lubrication.

- If they come inside you, does it burn?

- No.

How about in your mouth?

Jamie, we want more Viagra!

- More! More Viagra!

- More Viagra!

Stan! Come here. Come over here!

Ladies, this is Dr. Stan Knight,

king of all internists.

Right? And this is...

Cassie.

But my friends call me Lisa.

Lisa wants to marry a doctor, so good luck.

Oh, dear.

Ladies, next round is on me! Okay?

Nice jacket, man.

Did you get laid?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Six times.

- Mmm.

I was scared that you were.

You're crazy.

What?

Is everything okay?

Jamie... Honey?

- Honey, your heart's beating really fast.

- I know.

What's...

Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie.

Jamie. It's okay. It's okay.

Talk to me.

I...

I...

Okay, you know what? Just breathe.

Don't even worry about it.

Just breathe.

It's okay.

I...

- I love you.

- What?

Just give me a second, okay?

Oh, God, I do.

Uh...

- No, you don't.

- Don't touch me!

Okay.

Do you want a glass of water?

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- No, it's fine. It's fine.

- A little water?

- Yeah, water.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, see? Here you go. Here you go.

Okay.

- I love you. I can't stop saying it.

- You don't...

- Just stop saying that, okay?

- I can't. I love you.

You don't understand.

I've never said that to anyone before.

- You've never said "I love you"?

- No.

You never said it to your parents?

No.

- You never said it to your brother?

- Ugh!

Jesus, you're more f***ed up than I am.

I once said it to a cat.

- Okay, that makes me feel better.

- It does? Okay, good.

You can hold me now.

Okay.

Oh!

Joshie!

That is disgusting.

Jamie, I didn't know

you were coming home!

Oh!

Hey.

Listen, it's not what it looks like, okay?

Well, it kind of is, but...

Okay, just chill.

Yeah, chill. Oh, I'm sorry,

I thought I just caught my brother

masturbating while watching me have sex.

Well, I was focusing on her.

Oh, "her. "

- You mean my girlfriend! I'm sorry.

- No.

Not on her!

On her body parts!

Does video make everything look bigger?

Because I didn't think

her tits were that big.

Then I saw you,

and I was like, "What,

did an anaconda get loose on the bed?"

This is so twisted.

Do you think Dad's big?

I mean, he was when we were kids,

but then everything's bigger

when you're a kid, right?

Fine! Okay? Sorry!

My self-esteem would prefer

that you not have a bigger penis

than me right now, that's all!

Shh! Shh!

Don't be mad.

Run, Josh. Run, Josh.

Run, Joshie.

We can talk about this like men!

Ow! You're gonna ruin the tape!

No normal human being

can possibly fit in this back seat.

That definition excludes you, Josh.

I'd literally be more comfortable

in the back of a Hot Wheels right now.

I've lost all feeling in my legs.

- Are you okay?

- No!

I'm not talking to you, Josh.

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

Okay.

He's waiting for you.

- So, how are you doing?

- Fine. How's Maggie?

Come in!

- Whoa!

- No, come in, come in.

Testosterone, man.

Chicago's in two days. I must prepare.

It's a f***ing orgy

masquerading as a medical convention.

- You're coming, aren't you?

- I don't know.

- Oh, right. How's she doing?

- She's great.

Well, I'm not. I need a break.

HMOs are killing me. Killing me!

I need a lot of loosely moraled women

to throw themselves at me. Hard.

Speaking of which...

Oh, you are a god! You're a god, sir!

You're really not coming to this?

You could do something for me.

Yeah, what's that?

You could start prescribing Zoloft

instead of Prozac.

Um...

Well, Trey's a friend of mine, man.

I know. I know.

- Sure. Zoloft. Okay. Why not?

- Great.

- Hey!

- Hey.

How was your day?

Amazing.

Mmm?

You?

Me? My day was...

My day was swell.

- I went to the clinic...

- You did?

...for a scrip

and waited for three hours sitting next

to a man with a fork stuck in his head.

- What?

- Yep.

And then I went

to the pharmacy to get the scrip filled.

Which was closed,

so no meds for Maggie.

Are you okay?

Why, do I look like sh*t?

- I didn't say that.

- Yeah.

You didn't say. You didn't say it out loud.

Thanks, I'd love one.

Sorry.

You think maybe you've had enough?

Nope, I don't, but you do.

Excuse me?

Tell me, Randall, what exactly is it

about me that's so desirable?

There's going to be 600 girls

dying to blow you at this convention.

- Well, I'm not going to the convention.

- Why not?

Go out with some sexy, limber

ex-cheerleader from Alabama,

who's just dying to discuss

market projections and sales techniques.

Or just a hot HMO administrator

who likes to bake cookies

and rub your head

while you discuss the evils of generics.

Or just, you know, I don't know,

a normal person,

who has energy and likes to do things

and have fun!

I happen to want you.

Why? Why? What are you trying to prove?

Are you trying to show

that you're not a flake?

Are you trying to stick with something

for once in your goddamn life?

I mean, you do realize

that you are not a good person

because you pity-f*** the sick girl, right?

I almost went home with

someone from the clinic today.

All right.

- There, you see?

- All right.

Don't forget your pager.

Come with me to Chicago.

- Keith! How you doing, man?

- Jamie. Good.

So good to see you.

Everything going well?

I'm going to go off and do some girly thing,

whatever that is.

- How will I reach you?

- I'll beep you.

Stage One?

I'm sorry?

My son's a Stage Three.

It's not obvious, don't worry.

We're across the street.

Whenever you get tired of this bullshit

and want to hear what's really going on...

Thank you.

F*** soup.

F*** shoelaces.

F*** jewelry. And f*** brushing teeth.

- F***...

- Trying to tie your tie. F***...

Trying to button down a shirt.

And f*** that meditation sh*t.

And who knew God wanted us

to be so good

at giving hand jobs?

My husband is always smiling.

Parkinson's has made me

more sensitive and more compassionate.

Hopefully, got a long way to go in all this.

I feel good, and...

So, it's a constant battle of

trying to maintain some dignity

and grace in society.

And to overcome that,

you just live with what you have.

Offering to hold the kid for just a minute,

and he ends up in that tree over there.

One of my girlfriends asked me once

if she could get me anything.

I said, "How about a new brain?

Nothing fancy. "

She said, "My husband's not using his. "

Wait. Wait.

Never mind. Sorry.

I thought I heard a cure coming.

But there are good things.

You have to understand

that you're still yourself.

You're still there. And life goes on.

And life is beautiful. Thank you.

Parkinson's, right?

Oh, no. No.

No, your wife.

Girlfriend.

Stage One.

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