Love Bite Page #5

you have sex with Spike tonight?

If I have to.

Hope they pay you well.

Spike!

Spike. Bloody bastard.

Alright, toss-pot? Still pining?

- How does full-on penetrative sex sound?

- Clinical, to be honest.

You're such a sap, Jamie. I've got three

pie babes here that need filling.

With meat.

Get my drift?

- Or fruit.

- When you say 'we'?

- Me and Spike.

- Great.

Keep him there. Don't let him leave.

I'd like you to meet a couple of people.

This is Hazel. Like the nut.

And this is Donna. Like the kebab.

And this is Britney. Like the ferry.

Which one of you lovely ladies

wants to go and say hello to Jamie?

- You're a real life saver.

- Kev said you'd want to talk.

- No, not really.

- You might take a bit of persuading.

You might be a bit backward in...

- Come on, Kev.

- Wait.

My God.

Guess this will make me

one of those hairy dudes.

Girls like that, though, don't they,

some of 'em?

Suppose there's always waxing.

Who wants to

work in a pie factory anyway?

Probably would have ended up

like my dad anyway.

Trying to make a living catching eels.

- Barred from The Huntsman.

- Living in a caravan.

- It's a mobile home.

- Sorry.

Aaach.

I'm gonna need your help

with this one, mate.

As much as the idea of killing

holidaymakers appeals, I have morals.

If I want anyone to do it,

I want it to be you.

Just to see if you can, you big wusser.

Aaarch, aah.

You're a virgin.

You lied to me.

- I didn't want to disappoint you.

- I don't get it.

What about big titty committee

and Juliana Banana?

It's complicated.

Promise me you're gonna

get out of this town, alright?

Just leave. Go and have sex

with just so many women.

'Cause if you don't, I'm gonna eat you.

There's a phrase I never thought I'd use.

Go on.

I can't.

I'm gonna ask you again. Where did you

get the police-issue cuffs from?

I told you before,

a gift from the archbishop.

Don't worry. Spike wasn't home.

What's going on?

It got Kev.

- I had to kill him.

- My God. I'm so sorry.

- I think I shot it. The creature.

- Where?

- In the cricket pavilion.

- Is that another euphemism for testicles?

No. It was hit in the shoulder.

That's no good. If you didn't get it

in the head, it will be back.

- That's bad, then, is it?

- You'll be OK. It's looking for a virgin.

I guess now's

as good a time to tell you as any.

I could be the type

of person it's looking for.

I actually am, in fact... a virgin.

- What? What is with you guys?

- Nothing wrong with being a virgin.

Right. Yeah, it's just unexpected.

OK, then we're gonna have to have sex.

It's just sex, Jamie.

There's nothing to be scared of.

I'm not sure I'm in the mood right now.

I've just killed my best mate.

It's OK. It's what he would have wanted.

We're gonna have to make this quick.

OK?

I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

Give me a minute.

Keep away from him, you demon.

No, she's cool.

In fact, go away. Everything's fine, Sid.

Buffoons like you

give hunters a bad name.

- She's a hunter too.

- That's the oldest trick in the book.

- How can you believe him?

- How can you believe her?

Crap. I'm on the run.

I do believe her. She's not the beast.

You've got ten

seconds to come out or we're coming in.

Hands on your head.

Turn around.

Turn around.

Interview with the Met. Here we come,

thank you very much.

Requesting backup. Three detained.

Pine Lodge, Barnham Woods. Over.

You're under arrest.

You do not have to say anything, but...

- Can we all just shut it?

- Sorry.

Turn around.

Dear.

Dear, dear, dear.

I said shut it.

Get the gun, son!

You don't scare me.

- Sid, wait there. I'll get help.

- No.

No, boy. It's over.

I was wrong about her.

And about lots of things.

I reckon it's time I left this racket.

Listen, boy.

Let me give you a tip.

Something a wise old hunter

once told me.

Always...

save elastic bands.

I'm infected.

You have to kill me. Go on.

No.

And now rise, children.

Swear before Almighty God that you

won't relinquish your blessed innocence.

Until locked...

in sacred matrimony.

- You guys ready to order?

- Hungry?

- Ravenous.

- We'll just have coffee, please.

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