Love Bite Page #4

than worry about giddy boys.

Run along. Go back to your mommy

and your little hotel.

I think I'm in love with you.

It's time for you to start thinking

about not being in love with me.

- You wanted to tell me something.

- Forget it. OK?

You're wearing the same clothes.

Where did you go?

That is none of your goddamn business.

Get out. Now.

Now.

You know why she's not interested

in you any more, don't you?

She saw you with that other girl.

The chesty one

with the top-heavy lovelies.

She thinks you're no longer a virgin.

You are still a...?

YES.

So, maps. You Say?

So you believe me now?

- You definitely think Juliana...

- Three months ago I saw her.

In a village in Hungary. Porb...

- P6rb6ly.

Pirbly, that's it.

Which was on her blog.

That same night a young couple

went missing after a school disco.

And now she's here.

She's the beast, Jamie.

She has to be destroyed.

Think about it, Kev.

Gary disappeared at the party.

Then Bruno. They were both

on nights of the full moon.

To recap, this, what shall we call him,

scholar, sage,

or simply cretin, in the B&B, reckons

they've both been eaten by a werewolf.

Looking at all the evidence,

it does stack up.

And this werewolf just so happens

to be the girl you're in love with.

- Wow. What are the chances of that?

- Well, this is the freaky part, right.

- It only attacks virgins.

- So? What's the problem? You're safe.

But we need to tell Spike to stay

indoors. There's a full moon tonight.

If you cut yourself, does sap run out?

Alright, Pumpernickel?

Don't I know you from somewhere?

Yeah.

Looking good.

We've all been rejected

by a hottie, Jamie.

- Fess up. She blew you out.

- That's not the point, Kev.

The only answer to a broken heart

is to boff it out your system.

You and I are just

very different creatures, Kev.

See you later.

I got it. Look.

I got it going up the path here. Look.

Let me just rewind it there.

There it is. Look, there.

That's me.

Poo. How did that happen?

Must have had it round the...

Well, doesn't matter.

I saw it, though, with my own eyes.

A lycanthrope.

Shouldn't you be indoors,

where it's safe? Assuming you haven't...

If I were you, I'd do everything

in my power to change that condition.

Before tomorrow night.

It's you she wants. She'll be back

on your scent before you know it.

It's all very well you going on about it.

It's not that...

I despair of you younger generation.

In my days, we were like jack rabbits.

I remember one particular night...

my first hat trick.

I was a virile lad then.

I had balls the size of watermelons.

Thanks for that beautiful mental image.

it's eaten.

God rest her soul.

- You may still have time.

- For what?

To get laid, you doughnut.

You've got 24 hours to dip your pickle.

Now go!

It's Jamie. About the shower.

Would you like me to check the nozzle?

Hey, babe.

How are you doing? I was wondering

if you fancied a cocktail.

A 'cock'-tail?

A slow, comfortable screw perhaps?

Did you know there's 256 bones

in the body?

How would you like another one?

Alright, gorgeous?

Hi, I was wondering

if I could buy you a drink.

I'll have a vodka and tonic. Thanks.

This may seem forward, but I think

you're the most beautiful girl in here.

That's such a sweet thing to say. Ray.

This boy says

I'm the most beautiful woman in here.

Show me your lettuce, then.

The money, dipshit.

- Got a room?

- No, how much would a room be?

- Right, that's everything, is it?

- You want everything?

- Wait here.

- Where are you going?

- To take care of the room.

- How do I know you're coming back?

You don't.

Alicia.

Great to see you.

- Let's go out together.

- I thought you'd gone Jesus.

Just a phase.

See, I was wondering.

- Fancy having a little bit of sex with me?

- Blimey, you're a bit forward.

- A bit late. I'm engaged. This is Danny.

- It's Derek.

It's over.

You're too clingy.

Get 'm off then.

- Not bad.

- Thanks.

You like that, don't you?

How about...

What happened here?

Osborne.

What are you doing here?

He belongs to the copper

my dad works with.

Sh*t. Quick. Hide.

If my dad finds out, I'm...

- Alicia? Is that you?

- Hello.

I was sunbathing and

must have fallen asleep.

You'll catch your death.

Come on. I'll give you a lift.

Those yours too, are they?

Come on then. Osborne!

Come on. Osborne.

- Watch it.

- Bruno. You scared the life out of me.

- Where have you been?

- Amsterdam.

Can't believe you went.

I got tired of everyone

going on about me being a virgin.

So I decided to do something about it.

- You should see the red-light district.

- Why didn't you text?

- We were worried.

- Dropped my phone in a urinal.

And now the numbers stick.

- So, you're naked then.

- Yeah.

Yes, I am. Long story.

A bit complicated.

Do you mind if we...

- So you finally broke your duck, then?

- You're probably going to laugh.

- Sid, she's out there. I saw her.

- Never think of 'it' as 'her'.

Right. The old Colt.

Silver bullets.

One of those into the head.

Has to be the head, mind.

Soon put a stop to her antics.

Sorry. Didn't mean to say 'her'.

Although the silent assassination

with the silver-top bolt,

can be the better option.

Recap. check. check.

Sandwiches... check.

Could be a long night.

This mean that you've...

Mr Aarikka? Are you up there?

There's someone to see you.

Siddarth Aarikka, I arrest you on

suspicion of the abduction of Gary Jones.

We'd also like to question you

on the disappearance of Bruno Wallis.

Jamie, don't forget, there's still

that thing you need to take care of.

- Found what you're looking for?

- Stay where you are.

You haven't done it before, have you?

Used a gun. The safety's on.

- I know what you're doing here.

- You know I'm a hunter.

- What?

- A werewolf hunter.

- I thought you were...

- A werewolf?

My God. You fell for me

thinking I was a monster.

That really is love.

My whole family are hunters.

We log on to a crime database.

We check missing persons

against moon phases.

Where we see a pattern,

we send an investigator. A hunter.

- You'd better go.

- Why?

Full moon.

One of my busier evenings.

- Your friend Spike. Virgin, right?

- Yeah.

I gotta run.

What exactly are you gonna do?

We have to do anything we can

to get people who might be targets, laid.

It's not like you can set Spike up

on some super hot date and...

if somebody has become a target,

we're required to adjust their standing.

That's not something I've had to do.

But to be honest, I have never met

such a useless bunch of young men.

What do you mean?

- Do you want me to spell it out?

- Yeah.

I have to deflower a virgin.

I'm saving a life.

That makes you like a...

- Don't even go there. It's the job.

- That's why I said we can't be together.

- Fine. I get it.

Somebody's very judgemental

all of a sudden.

I'm disappointed.

- Try hurt.

- I said it couldn't work.

No man can handle my job.

This job means

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