Love Bite Page #3

If you can get a bird like that

to batter your sausage...

- You going out with her now, then?

- Well, yeah. No. It's complicated.

Yeah, no, sort of.

It's always complicated with you, innit?

She caught me staring at

her naked through a window.

And she thinks I painted a phallic symbol

on her cabin.

That's quite complicated.

- How much further is it?

- No further. Here.

I wonder if there's a fruit

they haven't made a pie out of.

Melon.

I've never seen a melon pie before.

Be honest. I bet you never thought

you'd end up with a stud like me.

No.

- I know what you're thinking.

- I don't think you do.

You think you're gonna get me down

on the beach and get my knickers off?

- That's not gonna happen.

- Right.

Because I'm not wearing any.

Now you wanna look, don't you?

Dirty bugger.

Drinking in a public place.

- I assume you're all over 18?

- 18 what?

Behold the lippy one.

Sounds like he's after a Section 12.

Are you offering?

People suffering from mental disorders

in a public place.

In immediate need of care or control,

subject to instantaneous apprehension.

With the use of force, if necessary.

Right.

Oy. You two. Stop.

You'd better take me somewhere

really expensive next week.

Promise?

- Hi, Daddy.

- Hello, Pumpkin.

- Where are you taking my daughter?

- Nowhere.

Get in the car, Liss.

Quite the ladies' man.

What happened to the other one?

Got what you wanted and then dumped her?

- Now you're ready to take on another one?

- It's not what you think.

You're a mind reader?

How do you know what I think?

If I find out you've laid

so much as a finger on my little angel

I'll stick this right up your arse.

- You off the mark yet?

- What?

Has your toad been holed?

I really don't see what me losing

my virginity has to do with you.

Scusi.

Just make sure you do something about it

before the next full moon.

Hi, it's Juliana. Leave a message.

It's Jamie.

I'd really like to talk to you.

I think you might be angry with me

because I was spying on you.

I can explain.

Please call me.

Spike, what is that?

- What do you mean?

- You know what I mean. What is that?

I can't help it.

It's the feathers. They feel nice.

Giddy up, boys.

YES.

You shouldn't have been looking

through my window.

You should have come in.

Come on.

- Can I explain?

- I don't know. Can you?

This is going to sound really out there.

But you know the weird guy at the hotel,

the inbred one, washing-machine eyes?

God, don't laugh.

He thinks he's a werewolf hunter.

What?

Yeah. And he was at the cabin

graffitiing your door as well.

Yeah, I saw him.

- So you knew I wasn't...

- I was messing with you.

Wait. A werewolf hunter?

Seriously?

I suppose he thinks that you're a...

I didn't think I'd hear from you again,

to be honest.

I thought that, well,

that you thought I was a bit 'bleh'.

- Like what?

- Like 'bleh'.

if you saw what happened,

why didn't you return my calls?

Look, Jamie, I really enjoy

being with you.

It's just that with my work,

it's hard to have proper relationships.

What about an improper one?

Before this goes anywhere, you should

know that it never goes anywhere.

And you'll be looking after your mom

all the time, so...

And I'm always moving around.

I gotta go.

Why do you have to go?

- It's the job. It's kind of like 'bleh'.

- When are you back?

Saturday.

Right, well, I'll meet you next Saturday

then, at the pier. At five.

- She'll be back. What's the problem?

- She doesn't think it can work.

- Cocktease. They all say that.

- He's right.

- Loads of girls have said that to me.

- It's the equivalent of a lap dance.

She's rotating those nipple tassels

right under your nose.

Stoking your boiler.

- No, I think it's a bit more...

- Complicated.

You reckon she'll go bareback?

Can't you relate to a girl

in a way that isn't just about sex?

If you're doing a raincoat,

go flavoured.

Women respond well to

a novelty contraceptive, Jamie. Fact.

They disappeared

exactly one month apart. And now this.

Bruno Wallis. It was the only picture

his sister could find, so...

I'm looking at the pattern.

What does it tell us'?

It tells us school term ended.

Three kids decided there might be life

outside of a town that makes square pies.

- We can't just ignore this.

- In the Met we had three missings a day.

Ask me if we investigated them.

- Did you?

- No.

Ask me why.

- Why?

- Because then they became unmissing.

They got over their little hissy fit

and came back from holiday.

Or sobered up.

You've got a lot to learn.

I tidied this up this morning.

Well? What have you got to say

for yourself?

Bummer.

It's time you shaped up, Mum.

Safe.

I was just about to come and find you.

Wondered if you'd take a look

at my shower head.

I'm not quite getting

the pressure I need.

Really?

Jesus H. You're going out

on the night of the full moon?

Are you insane?

Or are you no longer 'virgo intacto?'

I think you're a dirty old man

who gets off spying on young girls.

Don't tell me you're seeing her.

Can I be frank with you, boy?

Speak with you man to man?

The hornier you are,

the more delicious you are.

- I'm calling Social Services.

- It's hormones, boy.

They can taste 'em.

It's what she's doing.

Getting you worked up,

ready to burst, and then...

Ouch, just bit my tongue.

You're in grave danger, boy.

Look, I know you think

being together's difficult.

But you're the first person I can really

be myself with and be honest with.

Well, honesty is the cornerstone

of a good relationship.

And lots of hot sex.

Jamie.

Jamie, I have...

No, stop.

- Don't you like it?

- No, I love it.

You really turn me on. It's just...

There's...

There's something you're not telling me.

You're right. There is.

I'm not like ordinary girls.

- What's your game, b*tch?

- Let go!

What are you doing?

- We had a date. You promised.

- What'?

That night when you wanted to poke

your nose into my Bermuda Triangle.

- I didn't know you two...

- She's mine, ho.

If you get your skanky mitts on him,

I will b*tch-slap you.

All the way back to Yanksville, cougan.

In Rainmouth, we don't intercourse

with other women's fiancses.

- You're engaged?

- Believe it, arse face.

- Wait, I can explain. Juliana, please.

- Save it.

Why have a burger

when you can have your very own Bunty?

No more talk. Vagina time.

I've got such a wetty for you.

Do me here, in the woods.

- Do me in that tent over there.

- No.

Do you know what really turns me on?

Doing it where we might get caught.

Bend me over one of the bins

on the high street.

I can't.

- You're not a bum plumber, are you?

- No.

- I can't do this.

- Are you married?

- Yeah, I'm married.

- I see.

If there's one thing

I cannot stand, it's married men...

I'm married to my vocation.

You see, I'm training to be a priest.

I've taken a vow of chastity.

That include oral?

It's the path I've chosen.

She isn't my fiance.

I have more important things

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