Love Crazy Page #9

well, you'll be right,

because that would drive me nuts.

This is most interesting.

Give me Weber, Volume 3.

Well, aren't you going

to give me a chance?

We are going to give you every chance,

Mr. Ireland.

We are going to find the root

of your trouble and eradicate it.

No, not this one. Case 116.

The one who threatened to sue

because his outboard motor wouldn't run

on Thousand Island dressing.

May I come in? Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor.

I didn't know you were in consultation.

- I'll see you in 10 minutes, Miss Landis.

- Thank you, Doctor.

I promise you, Mr. Ireland,

we are going to rehabilitate you here.

You will suffer, yes.

But ultimately you will find yourself

and emerge recreated, cured.

Look, Doctor.

Don't you think it's just possible

that a mistake may have been made

in my case?

Stand up, my boy.

- Turn around, profile.

- I won't!

See, I was right.

Weber says they never turn around.

Well, that's all, Mr. Ireland.

Please wait outside in the garden,

and I'll have the houseman

show you to your room.

- If he can find me.

- He'll find you all right.

How do you do. I'm Cecilia Landis.

- How do you do.

- You'll be in my charge while you're here.

- Well, that's swell.

- I hope we'll make you very happy.

- Is there anything we can do for you?

- No.

And, Miss Landis, please don't humor me.

This whole thing is a farce. I...

Now, look!

I'm no more insane than you are.

Believe me!

I've got to get out of here.

I'll give you $1,000 if you'll help me.

In cash?

Well, I'll have to give you a check,

but you can trust me.

All right, I will trust you.

And just to prove that you can trust me,

I'll give you my collection to sleep with.

Everything that's not nailed down

belongs to me.

- Congress passed a law in 1935.

- Yeah, but...

I just got these today.

Careful! They belong to him.

Say, Mister! I'm Jerry the houseman.

If you just follow me,

I'll show you where you sleep.

Hey!

- Say, you!

- Well!

What are you doing in my car?

Is Susan here? Where is she?

She has an appointment with the doctor,

but she doesn't want to talk to you,

so run back to your sand pile.

Hey, Ireland.

Dr. Wuthering,

please don't get excited.

Unfortunately, it does excite me

to be asked to abandon 32 years

of medical experience for witchcraft.

Doctor, all I'm saying

is I know Steve hates cold baths.

If you put him

in a cold bath for 20 minutes,

suddenly you'll see how sane he can be.

- Madam, your husband is not sane.

- Nonsense! Of course he is.

Well, perhaps you know better than I,

you, a society woman

who wants a change of husbands so badly

that she's become an authority

on mental disorders.

Doctor, it's just that I know

what's behind all this.

I'm very sorry, madam,

but I assure you your husband is,

medically speaking,

as nutty as a fruitcake.

For one thing,

he is definitely a kleptomaniac.

Oh, that's impossible.

Well, every night we find

his dresser drawers

filled with other people's possessions

that he's stolen.

I'm afraid he's getting progressively

worse, depressed and melancholic.

It may even lead

to self-destruction, suicide!

Oh, Doctor, if that were the truth,

I wouldn't leave him here another minute.

I'd take him home

and nurse him night and day.

You see, you have me entirely wrong.

I would never have given up his custody

if I thought he'd really

had a nervous breakdown.

And if anything ever convinced me of that,

I'd take him right back in my custody.

Well, Mrs. Ireland, it might be

better for him if you did take him home.

Hello, Susan.

- Mr. Ireland, where did you get that fish?

- It's mine. I always had it.

Don't you realize you're not supposed

to take other people's property?

I tell you it's mine. I... I caught it.

It's a present for Susan.

- I don't want it.

- Please don't talk like that.

We never antagonize our friends here.

She likes your little present very much.

- Then why doesn't she take it?

- She's going to. Aren't you, Mrs. Ireland?

All right.

- Remind me to send you a bird in return.

- Yes, I will.

- Darling, could I have a kiss?

- Certainly you may.

- Not you, her.

- That's what I meant.

No. That's where I put my foot down.

Is this such an unusual request

for a husband to ask of his wife?

- Really now, Mrs. Ireland!

- Well, if you think it...

Oh, darling, that makes my head

feel so much better.

- Could I have another?

- No!

Mrs. Ireland, I wish you would cooperate.

We never frustrate our patients here.

But I didn't frustrate him once.

Why do I have to not frustrate him again?

Darling!

I'm going to get out of here.

The rules are too one-sided.

Mrs. Ireland, please, come back here.

There's a crazy man in this room,

all right, and it isn't Steve.

Hey, Ireland!

You shouldn't have walked

under that ladder.

Don't you know it's unlucky?

Come here.

I've got a message for you from Susan.

Susan just wanted me to tell you

that she's leaving for Arizona tomorrow

unless you arrange

for a new hearing right away.

How can I?

Well, you bribed Klugle once.

Bribe him again.

- But I didn't...

- Oh, now listen, Ireland.

I know that you wouldn't have got

yourself into a mess like this

unless you could get out

anytime you wanted to.

What's more, Susan agrees with me.

Listen, you fake Hiawatha,

one of these days

I'm going to spread you around

like warm butter.

It's all right with me if you want

to be stubborn. Personally, I like Arizona.

- What?

- Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute.

Let me think this over.

I'll give you five minutes.

Holler when you've made up your mind.

I'll get in a few archery exercises.

- Why can't I play Indians any more?

- But you can.

- You can play Indians all you want.

- No, I can't.

Hiawatha ran away,

the gardener left the gate open.

- What's that?

- Yes, there's Hiawatha. He sneaked out.

Eddie, Sam, come on, quick!

Come along, buddy.

We're going back inside.

Hey, what's the idea? Let go of my arm.

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Wait! Wait a minute.

You fellows are making a terrible mistake.

- Do you know who I am?

- I know. You're Hiawatha.

- You framed me.

- Now, wait a minute.

Oh, out of my way! I'm getting out of here.

Now, take it easy,

or we'll have to give you a shot.

Who's running this place?

I want to talk to him.

Just a moment, sonny.

You were sent out in this yard to rest.

Now, unless you do it,

we're gonna have to put you in solitary.

Somebody's gonna suffer for this.

Let me go, just for a second,

will you, fellows?

- Hiawatha, where are we going?

- Keep quiet!

- If you make a sound, I'II...

- Don't be foolish.

- This is just what I've been looking for.

- Oh, no. Nothing doing.

- You're staying here.

- Okay.

- All right, all right. All right.

- Well, that's different.

Now, let's see how we can work this out.

Look, you stand on the net

and hold it taut while I climb up,

and then I'll pull you up.

- What do you mean? Like this?

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