Love Crazy Page #8

Well, then everything's all right.

It's perfect!

Good morning, Gentlemen.

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

- Mr. Ireland?

- Oh, this is Mr. Ireland. I'm his attorney.

Attorney?

Sorry, but we don't allow

legal representation at these hearings.

However, you may sit at the back

if you don't take part in the proceedings.

Thank you.

Well, gentlemen, now I realize

that I'm here to be examined,

but that's merely because

I am the victim of circumstances.

There's nothing the matter with me at all,

so let's get this over with quickly,

shall we?

Well, it would save

a lot of time for all of us.

Yes.

- Over here, please.

Oh. Oh, yes, yes.

Well, now, gentlemen,

what would you like to know?

Now, Mr. Ireland,

if you'll please put those pegs

in the appropriate holes.

Oh, I see.

Square peg in square hole.

Round peg in round hole.

Square peg in square hole. Round peg in...

Well, a man would certainly be an idiot

if he couldn't do this, wouldn't he?

Oh, I suppose that's the point.

Well, there seem to be two missing.

- That shouldn't be.

- Here they are.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning, Dr. Klugle.

Good morning, Dr. Klugle.

There we are.

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

- Oh, haven't we met somewhere before?

- We have.

Yes. Yes. It was at...

Holy Ike!

You mustn't be upset

at finding yourself here, Mr. Ireland.

We are your friends.

Oh, I'm not upset at all.

I... I just hope you won't

be prejudiced about me.

Oh, my boy, my boy, not at all.

Now we are... How do you say? Old pals.

- I see you were doing the peg game.

- Yes. Yes.

Oh, you can do better than that, huh?

Oh, yes, that was just a slip of the tongue.

I mean of the hand. The... The...

A rather awkward mess, eh?

But don't you worry, my son

always mixes them up just like that.

Oh, your son a doctor, Doctor?

No, not yet, my friend. He's only three.

- George, do something! That man's...

- Here, here, Mr. Ireland,

we've told you that you're not allowed

to speak to your lawyer.

I advise you not to do it again.

Mr. Ireland is the gentleman

I told you about yesterday.

The one who set the hats free.

Uh-uh.

Do you remember

the testimony at the trial,

having dinner backwards?

He certainly seems

to have a split personality.

- I think it's schizophrenia.

- Probably, probably.

I think you're right, and I'll show you

why I think you're right.

Will you stand, my boy?

I want to show the gentlemen

your medulla oblongata.

Turn around, please. Profile.

You see, here and here

and especially this development here.

- Thank you.

- But... But... But just a moment.

Gentlemen, if you'd only give me half

a chance, I could clear up everything.

Of course, Mr. Ireland.

There's a perfectly logical explanation

for everything I've done.

I've been pretending to be insane

to keep my wife from divorcing me.

The whole thing was just an act

to get my wife back.

Of course, Mr. Ireland.

You gentlemen have read the record

of the divorce case.

The Eskimo marriage ceremony,

eating the phonograph record...

All that was before

he and his wife separated,

so it certainly wasn't to get his wife back.

And then there was

that nasty episode in the garden.

What about your jumping off

the balcony au naturel, as it were?

Oh! Well, I was trying

to get my watch back.

- Trying to get your watch back?

- Yes, the... The thing flew up into a tree.

- It was roosting there.

- Roosting in the tree?

Certainly! It sat there talking its face off.

- Schizophrenia!

- Schizophrenia, yourself!

We did have a long conversation.

Ask the parrot! He...

Gentlemen, is there anyone

who disagrees with the verdict?

Verdict? What verdict?

Just a minute, Doctor,

you can't declare this man insane.

- I demand another hearing.

- Look here, I'll go to the Mayor!

I'll go to the Governor! The President!

I'll get your job for this,

you old beaver-puss!

If there is any change

in Mr. Ireland's condition,

you can have a new hearing in six months.

- Six months?

- Six months?

- Have Mrs. Ireland come in, please.

- Now, look here!

He will be placed in the custody

of Mrs. Ireland,

and it will be up to her...

Mrs... Mrs... I'll be placed in the...

I'll be with my wife?

Yes.

And sometimes he seems almost sane.

Come in.

Mrs. Ireland,

I have some very tragic news for you.

Your husband

has just been declared insane.

Declared insane?

Steve, you fool!

Oh, Susan, I tried to tell them

that I'm all right.

Stop it! Stop that acting, you lunatic!

Steve, act sensibly and show them

you're sane. You've got to!

You can't ruin your life this way.

I know this must be

a terrible shock to you.

- Won't you sit down?

- Do you really call yourself a doctor?

How can you let him fool you like this?

My dear young lady,

no one has been fooled.

- Steve, don't you realize that...

- Susan!

No one has been fooled but you.

That man is a friend of Stephen's.

- Which man?

- Him.

I saw them together at the Bristol party.

They were thick as thieves.

- Are you sure?

- Positive.

I bet Stephen was bribing him at the time.

That must be it.

I never thought he'd go that far.

Mrs. Ireland,

would you come this way, please?

- It is necessary that you sign this paper.

- What is it?

Your consent to take your husband

into your custody.

- Into my custody?

- Yes, that's the law, Mrs. Ireland.

You see, your divorce is now postponed

for at least five years.

But...

I see.

Doctor.

Is it the law that I have to keep him

with me all the time?

Yes, unless you wish to put him in

a sanitarium, or some such institution.

Could you recommend some institution?

Dr. Wuthering has a lovely place

in the country.

But you would probably both be happier

if you kept him home with you.

Yes.

That's the second time you've been wrong

this morning, Doctor.

- Stephen, darling.

- Yes?

How would you like to go to the country?

Oh, I'd just love to go

to the country, Susan.

That would be wonderful!

Here we are, Mr. Ireland. Come on.

Say... Say, wait a minute.

Do you fellows want to make $100 apiece?

Just get me to a telephone.

Mr. Ireland, I had a man in here a month

ago was going to give me a billion dollars

just because I was so pretty.

Do you know I never got a dime of it?

Hey, Doc. This is Mr. Ireland, Doctor.

- How do you do, Mr. Ireland.

- How do you do.

Dr. Wuthering is waiting for you.

Will you step this way, please?

This is the new patient, sir,

Mr. Stephen Ireland.

How do you do, Mr. Ireland.

Please sit down and talk awhile.

Oh, I'll talk all right.

I'm just busting to talk.

- What about?

- Oh, anything that comes into your mind.

Things you like,

dreams you've had, anything at all.

Now, look, Doctor.

Of course, I realize that you've got

your mind made up about me,

but I'm going to make just one more try.

Now, you're not a quack,

you're a real doctor.

You know a nut when you see one.

All right!

Give me a test. Give me any test,

and if you still think that I'm insane,

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