Love Crazy Page #7

- What man?

- He said he was Abraham Lincoln.

- That must be the same man!

- He took them out to the garden.

But Robert, why didn't you stop him?

But ma'am, I don't know

he wasn't Abraham Lincoln.

Oh, Robert!

Hurry, hurry. Please, get them out.

Stop that, Steve Ireland. How dare you!

- Really, if this is your idea of a joke!

- But they were prisoners.

- I had to set them free.

- You're drunk. Henry!

I never drink while emancipating!

They're free! Free!

Man, man, he's high as a kite!

I suppose you did this

to show off for Susan.

Well, you've made a fool

of yourself for nothing

because she's gone home

with that nice Ward Willoughby.

- I hear voices.

- Voices!

Oh, stop that folderol, Stephen.

You haven't a chance to get Susan back.

What a disgrace!

- Yes, I do hear voices.

- What are they telling you?

They are telling me...

Telling me to free her, too!

I can't understand

you doing a thing like this.

Why, it's positively disgraceful.

Save me!

I crown you king of the hat freers.

Where is he? Where is he?

How long will it take to get those back?

Oh, I'll have these dry in 20 minutes, sir.

That's fine.

Bring me a big highball, will you?

Are you sure you want

another one, Mr. Lincoln?

See that? He thinks I'm drunk.

That's what they all think.

- They don't believe I'm crazy.

- It's about 50-50.

No. There's only one guy I think I've sold.

- Who's that?

- Oh, I don't know.

Some old goat

I met out there in the garden.

- He looks like General Electric Whiskers.

- Well, keep working.

I'll go down and start spreading

some subtle propaganda.

You've got 20 minutes

to think up a really good topper.

No, it's no use.

Hey! Hey! Hey, no. No.

Hey, that's no cracker, that's my watch.

Pretty Polly. Come on.

That's a pretty Polly.

Cracker!

No, it's not a cracker. It's a watch.

No, listen to me. Here.

Look, my wife gave me that watch, Polly.

Come on, let me have it. Let me have it.

Come on.

Easy now. That's not a cracker.

Pretty Polly. Come on, give it to me.

Hey!

Hey. Come here. Polly!

Come on, Polly. Pretty Polly.

Come here, Polly.

Now, Mrs. Bristol,

will you please tell the court

exactly what happened then?

At that point, I'm afraid I fainted.

- I can't tell you any more.

- Thank you, Mrs. Bristol. Your witness.

No cross-examination.

- Thank you.

I don't know what he expects to gain

by acting like an idiot.

- Isn't he always like that?

- Not exactly.

Your Honor, my client is suffering

from a nervous breakdown brought on

by overwork and worry and aggravated

by his misunderstanding with the plaintiff.

I submit that he is not responsible

for his actions at the moment.

He needs rest and quiet, and I therefore

request an adjournment for 30 days.

If there's no objection

from opposing counsel,

the court orders

an adjournment for 30 days.

There is an objection, Your Honor.

We have some testimony

to offer on the subject.

Yes, Your Honor.

This is really a lot of nonsense.

If you have anything to say, Mrs. Ireland,

you'll have to take the stand.

Do you solemnly swear

the testimony you are about to give

in the cause now pending before this court

shall be the truth,

the whole truth and nothing

but the truth, so help you God?

- I do.

- Sit down, please.

Now, please state to the court

in your own language

your reasons for doubting

that your husband is really ill.

Well, I just don't see anything unusual

in the way he behaved last night.

It doesn't prove

he's having a nervous breakdown.

He was just having a good time.

Do you mean that such behavior

is usual with him?

Now, look here, George,

you know he's behaved that way often.

I told you about the time six months ago

when we went to a party at Miami

and Steve chewed up

a phonograph record.

It was the hostess' favorite rumba.

- Well, possibly he did it on a bet or a dare.

- Not at all.

He said he was going to learn

to do the rumba

by taking it internally

and he rumbaed all the way home.

May I suggest, Mrs. Ireland,

that possibly marked the beginning

- of his nervous breakdown?

- George, you know very well that...

Your Honor, I assure you,

he's having no nervous breakdown.

Why, once on our honeymoon

he put on a pair of overalls

and dug a hole in the middle

of Fifth Avenue.

Did he say why?

He said he'd always been wanting

to dig a hole in the middle of Fifth Avenue.

Then you're saying, Mrs. Ireland,

that your husband is periodically

subject to these attacks?

But they weren't attacks!

They were just fun!

You mean you were quite happy

with your husband behaving this way?

Well, why shouldn't I be happy

with my husband behaving that way?

- Then why do you wish a divorce?

- Because I wasn't happy!

I mean, because I wasn't happy.

It had nothing to do with Steve's attacks.

- Then they were attacks?

- No.

They were just sort of private jokes.

Like on our last wedding anniversary when

he wanted to have dinner backwards.

Dinner back...

Pardon me, Your Honor.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Didn't you ever eat dinner backwards?

- I lived a whole week backwards once.

- Shh!

Why did he want

to have his dinner backwards?

For a perfectly normal reason.

He didn't want to walk four miles

and row on the river before dinner.

And was he afraid

someone might make him do that?

Oh, you don't understand.

That's the wedding ceremony

of the Baffinland Eskimos.

Steve used to always say

if we ever moved to Baffinland,

we'd be properly married.

It's a joke, don't you see?

He said a man can't be too careful.

Court orders this case adjourned

for 30 days.

But why? You mustn't!

I'm sorry, Mrs. Ireland,

but I'm afraid your husband

is in a doubtful mental condition.

Nothing serious, probably, but I want

to investigate quietly for 30 days.

Your Honor, I swear

this is just a trick to delay my divorce.

You mustn't let Steve make a fool of you.

Young lady, I can take care of myself.

But I want you to take care of me, too.

What happens to my divorce

if you still don't like Steve's mind

at the end of 30 days?

Why, we might postpone

for another short time.

Your Honor, it seems to me that I've heard

of something called a Lunacy Commission.

- Couldn't they help us?

- Yes, they could.

- But you wouldn't want that.

- If I did want it, could I have it?

Oh, yes, you have the right to refer

the matter to the Commission.

But think of the publicity.

I'm not worried about the publicity,

because, you see,

I don't have to appear

before the Lunacy Commission.

But Steve does. First thing in the morning.

Thank you, Your Honor.

- Lunacy Commission?

- Lunacy, schmoonacy!

What's the difference?

You've got your 30 days.

You've got nothing to fear

from the Lunacy Commission.

Then why am I afraid?

Look, the Lunacy Board is composed

of competent alienists

who know all about insanity.

They're doctors.

Suppose you broke your leg.

A doctor could tell you

if it was broken or not.

Yeah, that's right, isn't it?

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