Love Hard Page #5

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T-Um. Well, hey, it was nice to meet you, Natalie. -I'II see you guys at 10:00 a.m. J-See you, bro.

N-Climb you later! [chuckles]

J-Savage? Gnarly? Aggro?

N-You're the one who told me to look up the lingo!

J-Yeah. Real words like "rappel" and "harness. You sound like you got Millennial Tourette's!

N-Well, you know what? We've got bigger problems. I once broke my toe climbing out of bed. How am I gonna climb a wall?

J-I can teach you right here. I mean, how bad could you possibly be?

N-[screaming]

-[Josh] All right. Come down!

N-[panting] I can't hold on!

J- [laughing] Here. Here. come on. –

Natalie whimpering. [exhales deeply] Sweet baby Jesus

J-The key is to not focus on the wall, but to focusion vour first move. And then, your second. Okay? Onto your third. See, great things are done by a series of small things brought together.

- [Natalie] Hmm?

J-Whew.

N-That's actually very insightful.

J-Van Gogh. Feel free to use it on Tag sometime. Any questions?

N-What was he like in high school?

J-Exactly what you'd expect. Class president, prom king, star of the football team.

N-Why did you stop being friends?

J-[sighs] Because he got popular.

N-And you?

J-Didn't. [door chimes]

J-Go ahead, come on. -[clears throat]

N-[exhales] Full disclosure, I was kind of a late bloomer too. [grunts]

J-I find that verv hard to believe.

N- Yeah, well, If it wasn't for Invisalign and Accutane you would not have swiped on me. [grunts]

J-Well, if it wasn't for Tag's photos, you wouldn't have swiped on me.

N-[grunts] How am I doing so far?

J-You're actually doing great

N-Yeah?

J-Yeah.

N- [gasps, screams. - Natalie] Do you have a hamper?

J-Noskfit's over by the closet.

N-Is this how you boil your victims?

J-Careful! Careful! Careful! That's a wax warmer for candle-making. It's very expensive. okay.

N-Grandma June makes candles?

J-Yes, it's one of her hobbies.

N-Josh Lin?

J-All right, fine, they're mine. Guys can do things besides hunt and pay for everything, okay? Plus, I see this more as a business than a hobby.

N-All right.

H-Wait, hey, hey, whoa, whoal -Let's see what you got. [grunts] N-Come on! [straining] Okay. N-oh

J-You see candles are solely marketed to women. They all smell like flowers and candy with names like "Sweet Caresses" or "Shooting Star No self-respecting man's gonna buy those, even if his apartment smells like bong water. So, I created my own line of masculine candles ssence of a dude. that captures the essence of a dude.

N- Yeah, I don't see "Compulsive Liar," '"Left The Toilet Seat Up," or "Won't Ask For Directions" in here.

J-Make all the jokes you want, but 50 percent of the US cande market is underserved.

N-So, then why don't you serve them?

J-Because a business costs money.

N-Then ask your dad for a loan. I feel like he's the target customer.

J-Have you met him?

N-Yeah.

J-The old Asian man upstairs?

N-Oh yeah.

[Josh] He's only interested in sporty, manly things. Plus, he and my brother would just tease me about it. –

[Natalie] You have a brother?

[man] Prodigal son has returned! -["Macho Man" playing]

Jd-Christmas may now commence! [sighs]

J- Speak of the devil.

Jd-Owen's here! Now it's Christmas!

Jm-Is that my baby?

*Singing*

N. Did he just...?

j. Yup.

*Singing* o. You are off-key, dad

N. How much is too much?

O. Other side, baby. It’s your mark.

*Singing*

O. Quick finish, Grandma, don’t mess it up!

O. Back by popular demand. Lin family carolers! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Do we have any more requests?

Nqkva babichka. “Baby, it’s cold outside’’!

Bob/ o.j dad. I think we can make that happen. Who wants to take the duet?

N. Big mystery there, Bob

J. Natalie and I got this, dad.

B. Huh?

N. Wait, what?

J. Yup

N. Over my cold, dead, lifeless body. I’m not singing that. This is like a sexual assault theme song

O. Hey, bro, why don’t you let me and Chels take this? Don’t think she knows the lyrics

N. I do know them. I just don’t....

O. She knows the lyrics. We’re good

N. Josh, I....

J. This is what we are gonna do. You just do your part. I will change my lyrics so the song doesn’t sound so, uh,rape-y

N. Fine, let’s just get this over with.

J. Dad? Hit it

*Singing*

Bob. Aw! What a duet! Terrific!

Barb. What a beautiful voice, Natalie!

N. Oh no. I don’t...

Bob. It was wonderful!

O. Okay, okay. I think...I think we should tell them.

O gf. It’s time to tell them. Let’s tell them.

O. I think it’s time. Okay

O. Can I have your attention? Please?

O. Uh. You know, we...we were gonna wait to tell everyone the great news, but...(chuckles) after hearing all this singing about babies, we just got so darn excited, and, uh we just couldn’t keep it to ourselves anymore. Um...Mom? Dad? You are gonna be grandparents.

O gf. We are pregnant.

Bob. O wow! Oh, son!

O. Oh, come here, come here. Come on, come on, Grandma

Barb. I’m proud of you.

O. We gotta come up with some names. Mom!

O.j mom. This is gonna be so much fun. We’re gonna do the bedroom, we’re gonna do the nursery room

J. May I have everyone’s attention, please? May I... may I have everyone’s attention, please? Owen and Chelsea, I just wanna say congratulations. Seeing you guys so happy in love and now pregnant. I mean, it’s a... it’s a dream come true. It’s a dream I never dared to have for myself. Finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. It just didn’t really seem to be in the cards...Until I met Natalie.

N. Hmm?

N. What are you doing? Get up.

J. Natalie. I... I know we haven’t known each other for that long...

N. No, we haven’t. We really haven’t.

J. But you know what they say. When you know, you know.

N. (Laughing nervously) I’m serious. This is not funny

J. Natalie Bauer

N. Stop it. Get up.

J. Will you marry me?

N. Stop...

O. He doesn’t even have a ring.

N. Yeah, you don’t have a ring.

J. Say yes. Just say yes. Just say yes

N. Jesus Christ

O.j grma. You can take mine. I don’t have to be buried with it.

J. Oh, thank you, Grandma. You are the best!

J. Natalie. Will you? (whispering) come on. Everybody’s looking at us. Everyone’s looking. Just say yes.

O.j grma. We’re not getting any younger, dear.

N. Yes.

J. She said yes

Bob. Oh my God!

J. You’re making me the happiest boy...We’re the happiest family in town

Barb. Welcome to the family, Natalie.

J. Oh, thank you, Grandma. I’m the happiest man in town. Thank you. Thank you, everyone...

Later

J. Okay. I... I know you’re mad...but you told me to stand up for myself, and...and it worked!

N. I told you to stand up, not to get down on one knee! This was not part of the plan.

J. I’m...I’m sorry. I got carried away in the moment. But if you think about it, nothing’s changed.

N. Nothing’s changed? Your grandma gave me her ring...out of her finger!

J. Still, we just gotta make it through Christmas. When you get back to LA I just tell them we didn’t work out

N. And then I look like the a**hole? Your family is gonna be crushed.

J. Don’t worry. They’re very used to me disappointing them.

N. What about Tag? I have a date with him tomorrow. What if he finds out I’m engaged to my cousin?

J. He won’t. I promise you that. Okay? Everything will be fine. Just trust me.

N. Tr... Trust you? That is literally the one thing that I cannot do!

N. I even wore a stupid hat! You wanted me to wear a hat. You’re like, “It’s cute.” It’s dumb! Now I’m apparently getting married!

O. I don’t know about this Natalie. If she wants to be in our family, I need to know who she is. And I’ve been searching for like an hour and nothing. Not being Google-able is the modern equivalent of driving a white, windowless van by a playground.

O gf. I went to prom in a white windowless van. Huh? I think you should just let it go. I mean,she’s not that bad, and Josh seems really into her.

O. Chels, the baby barely has a heartbeat, let alone ears.

O gf. Music prevents stretch marks, Owen

N fr. Let me get this straight. You’re dating the real Tag and you’re engaged to the fake Tag?

N. Correct.

N fr. My God, honey, you are gonna make a therapist very wealthy one day.

N. This isn’t funny, Ker! I am so screwed

N fr. All you have to do is make sure Tag and the Lins don’t find out anything before Christmas, and you are golden. Just sit back, enjoy it

N. I don’t know Ker. I feel like this is all just going to blow up in my face.

N fr. Honey, sometimes blow-ups can be a good thing. You might not always get the ending that you want, but you’ll get the ending you need. Worst case you get a free diamond ring.

Oh. Hey... hey, Nat. Sweetie, I love you, but I gotta go. My sponsor is calling. Bye sweetie. Love you.

N. Kerry?

N. Is everything okay?

Bob. Oh, uh, Natalie, can you please hand me my... my wrench?

N. uh, yeah. Here.

Bob. Thanks

N. No problem

Bob. Got it. Whew. Damn flue always gets stuck. Oh, would you like to help me with kindling?

N. Sure

Bob. Just roll it lightly and scrunch.

N. yeah, my dad didn’t set fires unless there was an insurance claim involved. Who is that?

Bob. Oh, that’s my dad. Yeah. He passed a few years ago.

N. I am sorry.

Bob. You know, that man loved two things in this world, his family and Christmas. He used to climb up on the roof every Christmas Eve and stomp around so the boys knew Santa had arrived. He fell off one year and broke his arm. But he told the boys he broke it, protecting their presents from the Grinch.

N. He sounds like a grat guy.

Bob. Yeah. Hey listen, um... I just want you to know that, we are really happy to have you joining the family. Oh well, enough of that. Ready to give this bad boy a go?

N. Sure Oh. Okay. Alright.

N. This is the most beautiful hike I’ve ever been on.

T. I’m glad you like it. I used to come here every day with my golden retriever, Chewy. He passed away last year, actually. I miss him every day. He would have liked this hike a lot... and you?

N. This has been nice. I haven’t been on a hike date in years.

T. Oh, this is not the date. It's just a warm-up. You ever been bobsledding before?

N. I’m not good at this kind of stuff, Josh.

J. Okay. You just have to relax.

N. Relax? I can’t relax. The tension is the only thing holding me together.

J. Put in your AirPods and put on some music.

N. I don’t know if I have them. Actually, I have something even better. Oh, um, E-Rock says “pass the dutch.”

J. E-Rock? When did he get out of jail?

T. How are you feeling back there, Natalie?

N. Flying high back here.

J. Glad you are not dard.

N. Oh! I’ve never felt more alive! Not only did Tag ask me to dinner tomorrow night, but I’m pretty sure I qualified for the winter Olympics in Beijing. Oh! For the first time, I met someone who’s as perfect in person as they are on paper.

J. I hate to break it to you, but Tag is actually far from being perfect. In first grade, he had lazy eye and needed to weak an eye patch.

N. Why are you being all weird?

J. I’m just trying to point out that in some cultures, height and facial symmetry are repulsive.

N. It’s a good thing I’m not a part of those cultures. Whatcha doin’ over here?

J. Just mixing some new scents

N. Smells like freshly cut grass.

J. That one is called Lawn Mower.

N. Getting a feeling. Bear with me. It’s like a—You know those blue-collar mechanics guys with the tight shirts, that put in a hard day’s work?

J. Jiffy Lube is what I'm calling it.

N. You might want to rethink the names, but you did nail the scents.

J. Oh, sorry, that’s just for me.

N. Ooh. Yeah, well, looks like now it’s just for me. Eucalyptus. I love eucalyptus. And Old Spice. And there’s, like, a tiny little tinge of, hmm... gasoline? What is this one?

J. Grandpa. I started making candles because of him in the first place. You know they say a scent can make a memory come alive. So, I made one of him. It’s lame I know.

N. No it’s not lame. It’s actually really sweet.

Barb. Hey, guys, the movie is about to start!

N. What movie?

J. The greatest Christmas movie of all time.

Grandma. I’ve seen that guy in something.

O gf. He’s from Game of Thrones.

Bob. No, he is from that zombie show.

O. Walking Dead.

O gf. Ugh, I hated that documentary.

Barb. Guys, come on. This is my favourite part. Oh shoot! Oh! Oh, look! It’s going to print! Little lovebirds! Your engagement announcement. It’s going to be it the Gazette tomorrow.

Bike kid. You can run but you can’t hide.

J. Oh sh*t. Stay down. Stay down. He is gone.

N. Are you sure? I’m pretty sure that paperboy is gonna get fired over this.

J. I’ll give him a job at the store.

N. Oh, well, I hope he likes to travel.

J. That’s an upgrade, I’d say. Okay. This is the last street. I think we got all of it. Oh my god.

N. I mean, I... I look like a deer in the headlights in this photo.

J. No, you don’t.

N. Yes, I do. It’s a pretty decent photo of you, though.

J. Probably the only one in existence.

N. Cone on, Josh. I know a lot of girls that would be into you.

J. Well, they are definitely nor on Flirt Alert.

N. Do you still have your original profile photos? Oh my god you do. Come on show me.

J. No. I deleted the whole thing.

N. No, you didn’t. Please I know you! I know you! Show me the photos!

J. Okay, okay!

N. Dude. You are holding an axe. You literally look like an axe murderer.

J. I was going for, like, a rugged look. What? Who doesn’t loke a bathroom selfie? I looked kind of cut that day. Look.

N. No one loves a bathroom selfie! Also, why are you holding a wrench?

J. I was fixing the toilet downstairs. Girls like guys who fix things.

N. Okay, okay. Come here. Come here. Let’s recap for a second. You’re holding a wrench, an axe, and some rope. Were you actually trying to find a girlfriend or the person who murdered Colonel Mustard in the library? No wonder you only got three matches. You were hiding your strengths

J. And what strengths are those?

N. For one, you have very nice eyes. You got to show those puppies off. And those teeth. You have really straight teeth. They are freakishly straight.

J. Well, five years of braces.

N. So then smile more! There you go. There it is. I’m Kidding. But more importantly, you are a good guy Josh.

J. Well, I don’t know how to show that in a photo.

N. Well, for starters, you got to believe that its true. And then, once you do, trust me, it will show. Promise me when this is all over, you’ll put up an honest profile with real photos that show the real you.

J. I promise.

Bike kid. I know you are in there mofos, I can see the steam!

N. Go, Go, Go!

J. Sure you don’t want to stay the night? We’re making a gingerbread house.

N. I told Tag I’d meet him at eight. Okay. So? What do you think?

J. Wow!

N. I know. I—It’s the best I could find in your mom’s closet. But I did have to make a couple of alterations. I hope she doesn’t mind.

J. No. You look perfect.

N. Okay. No need to oversell it.

J. So where are you guys going tonight?

N. Um... Abbott’s, I think.

J. you know that’s a steakhouse, right?

N. Yeah. His parents own it.

J. Right, but you are vegetarian but Tag’s a real meat-and-potatoes type of guy, and he likes his girls the same way.

N. Okay, so I’ll eat a potato. Worst case, maybe I’ll have a little meat.

J. Yeah, don’t you think that’s going a little too far?

N. No.

J. Okay. Pretending to like rock climbing or a book, that’s one thing. But now you are compromising your beliefs.

N. Okay, Relax. It’s not like I’m opening up a slaughterhouse.

J. Well, it’s meat today, but then what are you going to lie about tomorrow?

N. Lie? Let’s not forget the reason I’m here is because you lied.

J. I lied about a photo.

N. No. You hid behind a photo. You lied about your identity.

J. But it was still me. Every conversation we had, every text we exchanged, every laugh we shared. It was me. You liked me. And you liked me so much, you flew across the country to surprise me for Christmas.

N. You’re right. I liked you. But you were a lie. A piece of fiction.

Server. Good evening. Any questions on the menu?

T. I will have a porterhouse.

Server. And how would you like that cooked?

T. You know me. So rare, a good vet could bring it back to life.

B. Josh, I’m sorry that Natalie couldn’t be with us tonight. Where is she?

J. Abbott’s

B. What is she doing there?

J. Uh, she’s just... uh... uh... sampling the menu, uh, for the wedding meal.

O. Isn’t that something you do together?

J. No, it doesn’t matter what I like. As long as she is happy, I’m happy

O. Oh crap. I’m out ow Twizzlers. How can I build my beautiful roof without Twizzlers. I’ll be right back. Anyone needs anything, no okay.

T. So, what do you thing of the place?

N. It's really something. We can see Bambi without going to Disney World.

T. I shot that one actually.

N. Wow!

T. Okay, so you like pizza, rock climbing, and Thoreau. What else do you like?

N. Movies. Specifically, Die Hard. It is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.

T. Well, cheers to that.

N. I totally love Christmas, but Santa is actually kind of creepy when you think about it. He sees you when you are sleeping. He knows when you are awake. He always makes you sit on his lap.

T. Yep. Totally agree. I mean that guy is everything that’s wrong with Christmas. It’s pretty much why I don’t celebrate it.

N. Oh, you are serious? You don’t celebrate Christmas?

T. No Stopped three years ago.

N. Why?

T. Because it’s a total scam.

N. Okay. Really? Okay. Oh, don’t pull up to the house. Everyone is sleeping. No offense, but your car is a little loud.

T. Well I had a really nice evening.

N. I did too. Thank you. Good night.

T. Good night.

J. There’s cereal in there.

N. Hey, Josh, listen. About what I said last night, I--

J. Look you don’t have to say anything.

N. No, I want to. I shouldn’t have--

Grandma. Hey, kids. I need your help. Go get dressed, and meet me at the car.

J. Where are we going?

Gm. Shimmering Pines

J. Come on, Grandma. Just ask Mom to help. Okay? She loves that place.

Gm. I don’t need your mom. I need you.

Gm. We are starting now. We are going to start now, everyone. We are going to be starting now. Many of you have expressed interest in online dating. Well, Ive brought you two experts. My grandson Josh, and his fiancée Natalie. They met online and now are engaged, so who better to teach you the dos and don'ts's of online dating. Any questions.

Gm1. How do I make clear that I don’t want anything long term?

J. Um... I thing that might be implied.

Gp.1 Do I have to mention my Parkinson’s?

N. I think being honest is always a good idea.

Gp.1. What if I spruce it up just a little bit? Instead of “has Parkinson’s,” I go with, uh, “Always on the move.”

Gp.2. I want to avoid mentioning that I'm in a wheelchair.

Gp.2. Then just change it. Say, “I enjoy rolling with the homies.”

J. Guys, I think you got the wrong Idea.

Gm.1. And will the fact that I live in a nursing home turn off a lot of men?

N. Not necessarily.

Gm.2. Just say “into the group thing.”

Gm.1. And then Hank there would prefer staying in over going out.

J. Everyone just stop. I get it. I really do. You want to put your best foot forward. You’ve lived a full vibrant live and you are a good person. Travelled the world, fought in a war. But then the insecurities creep in, and you start with just a slight exaggeration. Still you, just a shinier version. But you like it. So, you tweak until the real you are unrecognisable. But here is the thing. You are not just fooling yourself. There is someone else in the other side of that lie falling in love with a version of you that doesn’t exist. And that’s not fair. The only way it ends for them is disappointment. And the only way it ends for you is heartbreak. If I've learned anything is that love doesn’t need to be perfect, it just has to be honest.

Gm1. Is “curvy” spelled with a Y or an EY?

N. I guess I never realised. I was so busy being mad at you, I never stopped to thing why you did it in the first place.

J. Look. Natalie, the why doesn’t matter anymore. It was wrong. I shouldn’t' have asked you in the first place. And I'm just going to go to my family and come clean with everything.

N. Wait, what? No, you can't do that. Josh this isn't your fault. I mean... Besides, a deal is a deal. We’ve made it this far. It’s only two days till Christmas. Let’s stage a breakup like we planned. Don’t worry, I’ll sell it.

J. I don’t know It doesn’t feel right. Grandma, the car is this way! Grandma, that’s the wrong way. Grandma, where are you going?

All. Surprise!

O. Hey, Guys!

N. Your parents threw us a surprise engagement party? Here?

J. Yes, not ideal.

N. Hi! What are you doing here?

T. Your aunt asked if we could throw a surprise engagement party for Josh here. I figured it was the least I could do. Where is the bride-to-be anyway? I haven't met her yet.

N. She is doing the rounds.

Guy. Congratulations, dear.

N. Thank you. You look hungry.

T. Why did he just congratulate you?

N. Oh you didn’t hear? I was the millionth customer at the Supermart. Hmm. Free non-Perishables for life.

T. Wow! I know a great charity that--

N. Do you know where the coat check is? Do you mind thaking it there for me? Thank you so much.

T. You look great, by the way.

N. Thanks.

ER. J-dog, congrats my man.

J. E-Rock! My mom really did invite everybody in town. Huh?

ER. Well, actually, I was just dropping off your, uh, your lady’s suitcase. There is so much nice underwear in there. You are a lucky guy.

Lee. I gotta say I’m surprised.

N. Lee?

Lee. I didn’t think it was gonna work out.

N. How are you here?

Lee. Duh, first class, honey. I’m no peasant. Listen you are not the only one who can stalk people on the internet. I found about this little soiree courtesy of Barb’s Facebook page.Hello!

J. Hey, how’s it going?

N. So Tag and Lee are here.

J. Lee? Are you dating two guys now?

N. No, he is my boss.

J. What? Why is he here?

N. Because God hates me.

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