Loving Miss Hatto Page #3

The Festival Hall - that's so posh!

And just to prove I'm not completely

useless myself - make a tray -

make a tray!

Present from Golders Green via

Hong Kong - the smallest

Dictaphone in the world.

It's like Crackerjack!

Do you have any comment to make?

Right, scrap that one...

suppose we start with the Bach?

No, these are big concert halls,

you have to start with a bang,

set your stall out.

Prokofiev.

No messing about.

Right, scribble this down

because I am in the groove, daddy-o.

Right, Prokofiev to kick off.

I've got a big hole in my second

half, then.

Yes? Mr Coup,

we're from Customs and Excise.

Joyce. What?

It's not about the dog again, is it?

We try and keep him in!

It's about the radios.

Radios?

It's just a muddle.

Are they all here, Mr Coupe?

No, no, there are some

in the garage and, er,

some in the box room

on the top floor.

Start upstairs, Mendelssohn,

you can get Parker to help.

A policeman called Mendelssohn!

We'll need all the paperwork,

of course.

Yes, yes, of course.

Sorry, er, I don't understand.

Are the radios faulty,

are they being recalled?

It's a purchase tax issue.

We're impounding them.

It's just a muddle, Joycey.

I'll just have to go with them

to sort it out.

Not today, though, surely!

I'm preparing some

important concerts

and we need to sort out

the programme.

I'm afraid we don't usually arrest

people at their own convenience.

Can we take the gentleman

up with us, sir, make sure we're

taking the right things?

Do you know how long it will take?

I was going to do chops.

I can't say. We won't starve him.

I don't understand what's happened.

He's been importing all sorts

of things for nearly a year.

So we've gathered.

He may have got in a muddle

with his paperwork.

We've been a bit distracted

planning these concerts.

I mean, it's not a serious of fence?

It's a very serious of fence.

Dog behaving himself?

Yes. That's good.

Not knocked over any more gnomes?

No.

How's the playing?

What playing would that be?

Oh, come on, Joyce.

Would that be the playing

for the big concert series?

I had to cancel that, didn't I?

Because the promoter's

on trial at the Old Bailey.

Why do you bother to come,

Joyce? Well...

I'm still hoping to hear

some kind of explanation.

I was just doing what every other

bugger in business does,

if they think they can

get away with it.

I didn't rob a bank.

I just skimped on some paperwork.

We needed the money... We needed

money because you made

such a lamentable fist

of being a concert promoter.

No, Joyce, we needed

the money because...

Because what?

It doesn't matter.

Don't stop.

I'm sure that's one thing you didn't

miss - me murdering Godowsky.

I missed all of it.

I was a nit.

They're doing a big Chopin

thing at the Festival Hall.

They called me.

I thought I might give it a bash.

Toe in the water.

No boosting required.

Are you going self-op,

or can a pal come along?

Pal's always nice.

Getting the feel, Miss Hatto?

Everyone's parked up, your mother's

been to the Ladies, all serene!

I can't get this...

Here, let me...

Leave it. I'll do it later.

Come on...

we've worked for this.

Play how you play at home.

Never mind about the stool

and people fanning themselves

with their programmes,

just play the music.

This is us back in the game, hm?

The old firm!

The two before you, they're not

going to set the Thames on fire.

No hoper, no hoper, Hatto,

interval, perfect.

Get on, get off, get out. Yep?

See you later, alligator.

Good luck, Miss Hatto!

Ready for off?

Always has to fiddle.

I thought I could do it.

But I couldn't do it.

Look, there's...

There's a thing you

have to have inside...

to really make it.

And I don't have it.

Maybe neither of us do.

Maybe we just flew too high.

Melted our wings?

Melted our wings, Ducky.

We'll be all right.

We'll be all right.

People say to me, "Oh, Liszt

is so romantic," and I say,

"No, you're wrong, he's not

romantic, he's passionate,

"and there's every difference

in the world."

And I say, "There's no point in

waving your arms about like a dying

"duck in a thunderstorm, because if

you don't feel the power from here,

"then it doesn't matter

what you feel about Liszt,

"you won't be doing him

justice when you play."

Absolutely, we'll remember

that when Claudie gets on to Liszt.

Say thank you

for the KitKat, Eleanor.

Thank you, Miss Hatto.

See you next Monday - thank you!

People think it's from the wrist,

but the wrists have nothing to do

with it. It's all from here.

'...Into a full blown

squabble.

'But there is still no dominance,

despite...'

'..and Simon definitely

needs the discipline.'

I'm back.

Big drama with the new monkey?

Simon?

He's just bitten Arthur

and they've got rid of him!

I knew it.

It's an accident waiting to happen.

How was the post office?

Very boring. Big queue.

Lots of old dodderers.

Isn't that the pot calling?

But what I did spot

while I was waiting...

Fanfare?

Oh, that's jolly nifty.

I should cocoa... Put them all in of

a Sunday night, Bob's your uncle,

and Fanny we don't talk about.

You didn't put the answer

machine on. I like this.

I know. I remembered

while I was in the queue.

You didn't pick up?

No, it rang a couple of times.

Oh, right, well, I'll just

put your horse pills in here

and then, erm, how are we feeling

about macaroni cheese?

We're feeling reasonably positive.

Hah, turn up the monkeys and call me

if the girl with

the bottom comes on.

'Now, it's low-ranking male

Arthur's turn.'

What's that idiot child

forgotten now?

I'm so sorry just to ring

the doorbell.

I did phone earlier,

but got no reply.

I am looking for Concert Artists,

the record label?

Yes, yes that's us. How can I help?

I'm only in England for a couple

more days and you have a couple

of records on your website I would

very much like to get hold of.

I don't know if you keep stock here.

Well... I do.

Just tell me what you want

and I can pack them up.

Only take a few minutes.

Do you have the

Bax Variations by Hatto?

Yes, I can let you have that.

I've sold a surprising

number of those.

There's more Bax lovers

in the world than I knew.

I had never warmed to him

but I read a couple of positive

comments on Piano Fanatic

about the Hatto recording.

I'm sorry. Where was this?

Online.

I was intrigued to read these

comments about Joyce Hatto

because we were

at the Royal Academy together.

You were at the Academy with Joyce?

Yes, I studied piano

for a while there.

Get away! Well, Joyce is here!

We live together here!

Joyce is my wife. She'll be

delighted, come in, come in!

Joyce! Joycey!

Turn the monkeys off!

And do you remember that

ghastly audition for

the blessed Cortot masterclass,

and neither of us got it?

I was absolutely heartbroken, went

off and sobbed in the ladies...

My mind sings so much...

But you were not to be defeated,

whereas I did not have the right

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