Loving Miss Hatto Page #4

sort of guts

to make it as a soloist.

Oh, Joyce has the guts but fate

hasn't been entirely kind to her.

Oh, it's just I have this silly,

silly cancer which I'm absolutely

not going to talk about,

but obviously it's meant that I

can't really perform much in public.

So sorry. But you've been able to

make recordings?

Yes. Yes, we haven't let

the grass grow.

I don't think I saw more than

a couple on the website,

there was the Bax and the Gershwin.

Well, I'm a little bit of a

fledgling at this website malarkey

but give me a couple of months

and hopefully it'll

be a different story.

No, because several posts have

asked, where you can buy more Hatto?

"Have you heard Hatto?"

"What else has she done?"

Ah, ah there you go - got it!

"Wowee, Crotchetman was right -

Hatto is awesome."

What does that mean?

And who the heck is Crotchetman?

Well, maybe he's a bit

further down here somewhere.

Yes, look!

"Thanks, HG, for posting Nocturne

from Bax Symphonic Variations.

The CD arrived and it is awesome

playing. Who is she?

What does it mean, posting Nocturne?

Yeah, well, move out the way a sec.

It means that some bright spark

on the other side of the world

has put a little bit of

Joyce Hatto on here...

and if you...

click it...

Golly.

You're on the world wide web, Ducky.

Nice to hear you play.

Hardly "playing!"

Who knew you had

an international following?

From one ancient CD!

Yeah, well, leave 'em wanting more.

What are you thinking, Ducky?

Oh, the Academy.

High hopes.

We've done all right.

We do pretty well for old codgers.

Do you remember what you said to me

when we met?

A lot of rubbish, no doubt.

You said all I needed was

someone in my corner to protect me,

make it all happen for me.

Sorry, have I

remembered that incorrectly?

Didn't I say I was worried I didn't

have the nerve for a solo career

and you said you had enough

nerve for both of us?

I was a bloody idiot. I was young.

Young people make promises because

they don't know what life's like.

What did you just say?

"We'd done pretty well"?!

If you call teaching piano

to dim-witted children

while you run a potty, one-man

record label in the spare bedroom

in a town that hasn't

even got a concert hall...

then your standards are even more

poverty-stricken than I imagined.

Don't leave your cocoa too long.

Are we ready? Yes?

Hang on, I just need to wedge it...

That should hold it.

Yes? Is it on? Yes - go!

Joyce! Come and listen to something.

Coming!

What do you think?

It's about the tempo

I used to play it?

Yes, it is.

Who is it? Please tell me it's

someone English,

I get so tired of

those endless Koreans!

It's someone very English. Good.

She's called Joyce Hatto.

No!

Was that one of my tapes?

Did you find the old tapes?

Oh, it was jolly good quality -

I thought you were up to something!

Did you do some computer things

to it?

No, well, I did try, I took them to

the chap at Wheathampstead

and he had a go at cleaning them up

but they're very old.

And they're not top quality.

I mean, they were only for fun.

Oh, so...

So, I was thinking about

what we'd been saying

about all those internet chappies

wanting a bit more Hatto,

and they're ain't no Hatto

to give them,

so, I took another recording,

and I followed all the temping,

the dynamics,

and so on, from your recording,

and I sort of did a new version.

What, you took another of my

recordings?

Well, no, because you didn't do any

other recordings.

I found one that was most like yours

and I stuck to your score markings

and I sort of...

Hattoised it.

So what you just played -

it's not me?

Well, in a musical sense it's you.

Yes, but in any sense that anyone

else would recognise it's not!

You are quite astounding!

Oh, get off your high horse.

You can't play.

You've got one brilliant recording

out there

and everyone's itching for more.

And you like to read about yourself

on the internet.

I just thought I'd do something

that would cheer you up.

All modern recordings are put

together note by note,

so what I was doing I didn't think

was so bad, or so different.

But, of course, in Joyce's world,

Barrie is always in the wrong,

because he can't be as clever,

or as right, or as good,

or as wronged as Joyce.

That's a big cake.

Don't you know there's a war on?

What can I get you?

In here? Botulism, I should think.

You know you're quite

right about modern recordings.

People today don't even have to

play the right notes.

I mean technicians do all that

afterwards, don't they?

Take out the bishes,

blend one note into another.

Since we've gone digital,

the sky's the limit.

Not like your day, Ducky,

where you had to struggle to get

through it without a mistake.

But there you are.

Oh, go on, I'll try a tiny bit.

Coffee and walnut.

You know, it would be jolly nice to

have a few more CDs whizzing around

the internet.

But thanks to the old lurgy, I can't

play like I used to, I haven't got

the feeling.

You can be as musical and

interpretative as you like,

but if you can't feel your finger

ends you might as well be

playing with mittens.

As you say, there we are.

Quite funny you should have made a

recording and I thought it was me.

Well, if you thought it was you,

think how many other people would

think it was you.

You've got a very naughty twinkle

in your eye, Mr Barrington Coupe.

Got to do something, Joyce.

We're both near enough

the bucket to kick it.

I could run a couple up

the flagpole, see if anyone salutes.

Keep Crotchetman happy?

I'm rather fond of Crotchetman.

You know this isn't half bad,

considering the place is so ghastly.

One in the eye for those

shirt-lifters on Radio Three.

Why, would you send them

to be reviewed?

Yes. We've got nothing to lose.

Joyce Hatto on the wireless...

that would be rather satisfying.

Would you, erm,

would you like a latte?

A latte?

Yes, all right, Mr BC.

I'll have a latte.

It's a great life

if you don't weaken!

It's my own fault for marrying

a blooming concert pianist.

Ducky, what say we get one of those

posh cakes with the strawberries on?

Can we afford?

Can we afford?

Have you seen the orders coming in?

The website's buzzing. Hattomania!

And you haven't had to lie on top of

a flipping concert grand to do it.

It's never too late.

I could give you a bunk up?

Did I hear your name on the radio

this morning?

Oh, probably.

They're just reviewing

one of Joyce's Chopin

recordings on Building A Library.

No biggie!

What time will that be on?

The programme starts at ten...

I shan't be listening, I've

really no interest.

You're not going to listen?

I don't believe in critics, it's the

music that matters.

I'd want to hear what

they were saying about me.

I'm not as high-minded as you!

Toodle-oo!

What time is it?

Starts in ten minutes.

Shall we go in now?

'And although I loved the

delicacy of the Ashkenazy, it didn't

'quite have the verve and, well,

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