Lower Learning Page #4

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God bless 'em,

every last one of 'em.

I know I needed Mrs. Buchwald,

but not anymore, though.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I do. I don't know.

I can't hear you, Mr. Buchwald.

I think my brain is bleeding.

I want you to listen to me.

Are you listening?

Do not marry young,

'cause right now you're sh*t.

You're a zygote.

You may think you're hot stuff,

but out there in the real world

you want to know what you are?

Bang. Zero.

That's you. Look at that. You.

But in a few years you might

begin to bark instead of just yap.

A few years more...

you begin to snarl and growl.

But what if you're stuck

with some cooze

that you shacked up with back when

you were just a little yapping yapper?

I mean, what the f***?

Does that compute?

What the f*** is wrong

with this world?

Does it make any sense to you?

No! Thank you!

No, it doesn't.

Okay, amigo, good talk.

Up you get.

Oh!

Nurse Gretchen.

Nurse Gretchen!

Yes, Mr. Abernathy.

(muttering)

- Sorry?

- What?

What did you say?

You said something.

No, you said, "Sorry?"

What?

No, you tried to say something

and I said, "What?"

And then you said, "What?"

But you were gonna say something.

So what did you say?

No, you said, "Sorry?"

And then I said, "What?"

And then I said, "You just say

what you said." What?

I said, "You said, 'What? '

And I said, 'What?"'

And then now

I'm saying "What?" again,

as in, like, what are you talk...?

What?

- What?

- Sorry.

Okay, come on, hon.

Um, I have Dip Dip.

Yeah, I see that.

You have some.

- (Rinaldo groans)

- No, thank you.

I actually think

his brain is hemorrhaging.

So I'm gonna take him

to the nurse's office, okay?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, whatevs.

I'll just chill. Lates.

No bigs.

(whimpers)

(bell ringing)

- Oh, darn it all.

- Stinks.

(machine beeps)

Hey, Harper, it's Maurice.

Um, we got off

on the wrong foot on my last message

and I just... I feel like...

why aren't you

calling me back?

What's...?

Why not?

I mean, I'm leaving you messages.

Usually that elicits

a callback.

So think about it.

So we'll turn this corner

and wind up right here.

Now I'll cover the north side.

You cover the portables

and the east side.

If we round up enough teachers

with clean underwear by lunch

we'll call the news.

What?

Nothing. It's just

for a second there

I saw a little bit

of your father in you.

- Tom, what happened that day?

- Shh!

Let's not dig up old graves, okay?

Let's go save the future.

Oh, you precocious little bastards,

weaned on your chocolate

breakfast cereals

and your Hannah Montana,

dressing as though you want

to be raped

by a professional

basketball player.

Oh, shame on the lot of you.

Shame.

- (knocks)

- What?

Old Curt, a word, please.

Fine, no more

Sponge Bob videos.

And?

And no more giving them

shots of Nyquil

so I can sit and read my "Us Weekly"

in f***ing peace and quiet.

That's the spirit.

B*tch.

It's time to rally my angels.

The periodic table of elements...

what everything is made of,

what you are made of,

and me.

Okay, hot hands.

Your scraper and your scraper.

All right, go for it.

Have fun in there.

School spirit.

School spirit.

Salute me.

Who told you to do this?

Vice Principal Willoman.

Yeah, he's trying

to make the school better.

Oh. Oh.

Really?

Then what if I told you

that your dad makes hot sauce

out of dolphin fetuses?

Nuh-uh. Papa works at the mill.

Exactly.

And by that same logic,

Vice Principal Willoman

is a big fat liar.

Now get back to class!

(playing out of tune)

Is this the best you have?

Of course it is.

Pretty boy...

ponytails...

fat person...

and flute...

follow me.

You guys want a job?

Like, for money?

Of course for money.

I need you to follow me around

playing your little instruments.

I don't even think that's legal.

Hey, look up here.

Look at me.

Shut up.

You want five bucks

for the afternoon or not?

Okay.

I also want a Fruitsy Pop.

Fruitsy Pops all around.

Billings:
Students and faculty,

listen up.

This is your principal.

It has come to my attention

that certain subversive elements

are planning a walkout,

instigating some kind of

weird-ass leftist pinko coup d'tat.

Any such attempt will be immediately met

with a schoolwide lockdown.

Everyone will be confined

for an indefinite time,

except for Scotty Hendricks.

Scotty, the TB test was positive.

Please leave campus immediately.

Donovan sat at the window

of his small shack, motionless.

There was loneliness

all around him,

shrouding him like a shroud.

And from the abandoned

sawmill nearby... yes, he hears it...

the faint yet unmistakable sound

of a dog raping a cat.

Yeah, Zippy.

Imelda and I have something

to share.

Okay, go ahead, Zip.

We're pregnant.

Well, that is just great.

Come on, guys.

Show them how you feel.

All right!

You guys are gonna need

some serious prenatal action.

Yes, Nurse Gretchen, please.

Hey, wait, what are you doing?

No no no.

The show goes on.

The show goes on.

Show must go on.

So I have some news.

Imelda is not pregnant.

Did you kill our baby?

No, I didn't kill your baby.

There wasn't a baby.

Do you guys know

how babies are made?

You don't, do you?

Let's get you guys

back to class.

Come on.

Awesome.

Thank God you're back.

Okay, Laura, let's cut the crap.

The school's taking in water

and Billings is abandoning ship,

but not before

he's picked all our pockets.

We need Vice Principal Willoman.

Abernathy:
Right, Sally,

that's why we read.

Nurse Gretchen.

Mr. Abernathy, hi.

Uh, when is she due?

Mr. Abernathy, Imelda isn't pregnant.

And I'm not quite sure

that Zippy and Imelda

really understand

where babies come from.

Oh.

Well, maybe they could take

a sex ed class with you.

Well, I guess that couldn't hurt.

Maybe we could all go.

Well, I suppose.

- Oh, hell yes! Yes!

- Yeah!

Right? Yes!

I'll see you guys later.

Oh, I want to do her so bad.

I want to do it so hard.

She is it.

(door opens and closes)

(breathes deeply)

You smell that?

Asparagus. Putrid.

The way a man's piss

should smell, though.

Flush me.

No. Flush yourself.

I warned you, Tom.

I told you to stay out of my way,

but you had to go

the hero route, didn't you?

Look, I'm not gonna stand by

and watch the school

get shut down, Harper.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

Because I'm the only one

that can save you, Tom.

You're just a bright-eyed little fluffer

in this titty flick.

But turns out you and I...

we aren't so different.

What are you getting at, Harper?

We're both waiting

for the same bus.

And I can bequeath unto you

the magic coins

to ride on that bus.

How would you like to be principal

of Valley Hilltop Elementary?

Principal?

Yeah.

This all ends right here and now, Tom.

Just say the word.

You'll never be the man

your father was, Tom.

Yeah yeah.

I know what happened that day.

Fact is, you don't have the guts

to stand up to me and you know it.

So take the bait

and flush my goddamn urinal.

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