Lower Learning Page #5

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No.

No, I don't think so, Harper.

I don't know what you're up to,

but it's as crooked

as Arianna Pollard.

The scoliosis girl.

Good one.

You're on fire today.

Well, you can't say

you didn't make your own bed, Tommy.

Now you gotta lie in it.

The problem is,

you sewed your sheets together

out of moldy rainbows

and day-old dreamy-dreams.

I don't know what that means.

It's poetry, Tom.

You don't have to know what it means.

It sounds good.

You know what else

sound good?

(inhales)

(playing out of tune)

(door opens)

You just don't listen

to reason, do ya, Agnew?

What are you guys gonna do,

beat me up?

No, we're gonna beat you down.

Yoo-hoo.

Are you ready for us?

- Yeah, come on in.

- Okay, cool.

Come on, single file, guys.

Remember your buddy.

Let's go.

Announcer:
Welcome to

"Coital Danger 17:

Trouble at the Drive-In."

(dramatic music playing)

Kids, you already know by now

that sex is really bad for you,

but just how bad?

Well, here we see Dingles

on his way to a drive-in

motion picture

with his gal-pal Cassandra...

I have fruit.

To eat.

Oh, great.

Announcer:
Cassandra is

what we call loose...

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Thank you for saying

"You're welcome."

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Announcer:
We'll answer

that question a little bit later,

but for now let's get back

to Dingles and Cassandra.

And there they are

on a fast ride

to their deplorable fate.

(loud fart)

(farting)

AJ?

AJ, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

AJ, hey, buddy.

It's Vice Principal Willoman.

I need you to untie me.

No, you're a dirty stranger.

You want to touch my bathroom parts.

What? No, AJ.

AJ?

AJ, no, I want nothing to do

with your bathroom parts!

AJ! AJ.

(children playing)

Hey.

Fondue?

I still love her, Dougray.

I'm still mad about that woman.

Look at my life.

What a dump.

My great grandfather invented

the two-point conversion, Dougray.

What the f...?

What the f*** have I ever done?

It's probably suicide time, huh?

Yeah.

Damn it.

Tom's been missing

for the last hour.

Keep it together.

There's only one person

who can help us find him.

Yes, Laura,

you know it as well as I do.

He's the only one of us

who's trained to kill.

That's true.

He once had a fire in his heart...

- (screaming)

...a fire that saved people

by killing other people.

(Jesse screaming)

Laura:
And I extinguished

that fire.

I'm such a c*nt.

Frankie:
Pull yourself together.

This big outhouse you call

an elementary school is about to go down,

and I'm not about to be bussed

to Roosevelt County

so I can be sodomized every day

for my lunch money.

This isn't about your marriage

and it's not about your pride.

It's about our future.

You're right, Frankie.

You're right.

Jesse is the only chance

we've got.

Or, you know, he's the only chance

we've got to find Tom

who is really the only chance

we've got.

Then make it happen, lady.

Make it happen.

(phone ringing)

Yello.

Bueno bueno.

It's me, Jesse.

Laura,

my lover, my everything.

Listen,

there's no time for pillow talk,

sweet nuts.

You've got to be the man

I've never let you be,

the man

you've always been,

mostly always.

Jesse, we've got to find Tom.

If we don't, the school's a goner,

and us and the kids along with it.

Now you keep this as quiet

as a fairy fart,

but we need to break Tom free.

And then we've got

to take Billings down!

Announcer:
The fact is, kids,

that filthy movies

and television programs

influence your young mind,

causing you to do things

that will lead to ghastly physical

and emotional scars.

Dingles, watch out!

Oh, wowzers.

That kiss just cost him

a lifetime of itchy sores,

low self-esteem and crippling...

Is that all true?

Yeah.

Hey, you.

Yes?

I was thinking...

I was thinking

maybe we should

go for a walk.

Right now?

What about the kids?

The kids... they're just as happy

as pot pies watching that video.

And we, just the two of us,

we're just sitting back here,

yapping and talking,

talking and yapping.

So I was just thinking, you know,

maybe we...

maybe a stroll would do us good.

Okay.

Yeah?

- Sure, yeah.

- Yeah.

But we gotta make it quick,

'cause last time I left the kids

they made a Slip-N-Slide

out of KY and dental dams.

Okay, yeah.

No, we'll be quick.

- It's Harper. Leave a message.

- (machine beeps)

That is my number.

Stop being a dick.

Sagosky, have the special-ed kids

form a perimeter.

Where's that piece-of-ass inspector?

- (can hisses)

- (inhales)

Easy does it there.

(inhales)

Easy does it like Miss Muffet

on her fat little tuffet.

(muffles screams)

(playing out of tune)

(children playing)

I never meant to have sex

with that dolphin trainer.

You're a liar, but I forgive you.

Come here, Big Daddy.

Wrong again, Quincy.

Who the hell are you supposed to be?

(grunting)

Somebody here knows where

Vice Principal Willoman is,

and if that somebody

doesn't speak up,

that somebody is gonna be squealing

louder than a pig

that's not only had

its throat sliced

but also had both its balls

tucked up its ass

before they were cut off first.

And let me tell you,

if you're curious how painful that is,

listen up...

very!

I'm gonna count to one.

One.

(screaming)

Holy sh*t.

Vice principal is

in the boys' bathroom.

He wants to touch

my chub-chub.

What the hell is that bullshit?

Get back to work.

Agh! This is f***ing impossible!

Damn it.

It's trying on everyone.

Hold on, Tommy.

Okay, here we go.

Keep going, keep going.

Don't peek.

Okay, don't look.

Okay? Okay?

Okay, we're here.

Gretchen:
Oh, it's your classroom.

Turner:
Yeah.

I just thought we could...

you know, or whatever,

just, you know...

just connect or something,

just talk,

whatever you want to do.

You really like turtles, huh?

Yeah. That's Marzipan.

And that one down there

is Halifax, yeah.

Did you know that after

the dinosaurs died out

there was an age of turtles?

No, I didn't know that.

I didn't think so.

- This one here is ticklish.

- Really?

Yeah. Watch this.

Uh, I think you're hurting him.

- No, he likes it.

- I don't think so.

- Yeah, he does.

- Turner, stop.

Okay, I think I'm gonna...

I'm gonna go.

What? No no no, you can't go.

I planned the whole afternoon.

I-I-I have this for you.

Bear with it

'cause it's not totally done, but...

I didn't have a whole lot of time

during free period.

"4 Ever or Never,"

and then there's you and me

and Halifax and Marzipan.

And then there's that.

Um, does that say sweatheart?

No, it says sweetheart.

I'm kinda sure is says sweatheart.

Well, that's awkward.

I'm just gonna come out

and say it, okay?

I have major f***ing feelings

for you

deep down in my loins,

in the places that matter.

And I want to go there.

I want to take it there with you.

I want to take it

to that next level

where we're feeling each other

and we're rubbing

and we explode.

So I don't know

if you feel the same way,

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