Lower Learning Page #6

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but I am f***ing awesomely

in love with you, Gretchen.

Oh, no, Turner, you're not.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

Yeah, I don't think I would have

said all those things if I wasn't, okay?

I'm pretty sure I am.

I'm pretty sure you're not.

I don't know

how more clear I can be. I am.

You are sweet,

but I gotta get back to class now.

Okay?

I should have put

more hearts on it.

That was so stupid.

Billings has to be stopped, Tom.

- Stopped.

- Worse than we thought.

What is this?

- The balance sheet?

- Yeah, for the district.

- The district balance sheet.

- Notice the total budget,

- then notice how much each school gets.

- There.

The numbers don't add up.

And guess which school

isn't even included in the total?

Take a f***ing guess.

Take it. Shoot.

Ours.

But I don't get it.

The total is millions more

than the sum of all the schools' budgets.

Millions more than the sum.

And that difference is the exact budget

of Geraldine Ferraro.

This motherf***er!

- Can you stop?

- Yes.

Someone in the district goofed.

And Billings saw that we have

no paper trail.

- The money is just waiting to be plucked.

- Plucked like fruit.

So the school gets closed;

nobody knows the money is missing.

Close the doors,

and Principal Hershey Squirts

stuffs the moolah

in his fanny pack.

- What are you doing?

- What the f*** are you doing?

I'm calling the local news.

We have to get the word out now.

F***ing smarter than you know.

Uh, relax.

They're just blanks.

- (gunshot)

- Jesus!

- What the f***?!

- Are you crazy?

I'm really f***ing psyched.

- God.

- Holy sh*t.

- (machine beeps)

- Female voice:
The mailbox for...

- Billings' voice: Harper Billings.

- Female voice:
is full.

No.

Oh, f***.

Hello?

Wonderful. Thank you.

Thank you.

Local news is on the way.

Yeah.

Wait, where's Rebecca?

We're all set, sir.

Oh, no.

(exhales) Tom.

(over P.A.)

Tommy.

I know you can hear me, Tom.

It's useless to go on.

I'm just too strong.

I'm not a bad guy, Tom.

This is just a bad situation.

This isn't cowboys

versus the Indians.

This is

cowboys versus cowboys.

No one wants that, Tom...

cowboys fighting cowboys.

It's un-American.

I've got the girl, Tom.

Turn yourself in.

Stop all this hullabaloo.

You fought a good fight.

Today's lunch is beef stroganoff

and creamed spinach.

Happy birthdays go out

to Carolina Brushhair

and Tom-Tom O'Leary.

Soccer's canceled today.

(clicks)

Don't you listen to him, Tom.

It's a trap.

Tommy, we'll storm

the office, okay?

They'll be totally defenseless,

like a bunch of 10-year-olds in there.

No, guys, Billings is right.

We can't win.

It's impossible.

Listen, remember

what you said to me

when I thought I'd never beat

that painful case of the clap?

Tommy, what did you

say to her, Tommy?

- What did you say?

- I said...

I said, "Nothing's impossible."

You said, "Nothing's

im-f***ing-possible," man.

Nothing is impossible.

(sirens wailing)

Man:
I am just a simple man. I just want

to sell delicious ice creams to you.

Man #2:
Shut up, you!

I got some demands!

I want a picture of Walter Cronkite

in a boat

where he's kind of still,

and $10,000

in Indian-Head nickels

in non-sequential

unmarked baggies!

I want to be part of

"The Family Ties."

What are you gonna do, Daddy?

I'm gonna save that man, son.

And I'm gonna live with Mallory

and we're gonna get bunk beds.

- That's impossible.

- I'm gonna kill this guy!

Let the man go, son.

I have pizza and a 747

on stand-by

with your name on it.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

That sounds good.

You lied to me!

- See, Tommy?

- Criminal:
What the f***?

Nothing is impossible.

(cheering and applause)

I got some demands!

I want a magical elf

and I want a special bag

to put him in,

so he can't use

his black magic on me.

Vendor:
This is like the dj vu.

No, please don't kill me.

- Crowd:
This is impossible.

- Nothing's impossible.

Criminal:
I saw that Dennis Quaid movie

"Dragonheart."

- No, nothing's impossible.

- If dragons are real, I want one now.

And its fire-breathing mouth

is gonna burn all your sh*t.

- Nothing's impossible.

- Now if dragons are real,

I want a Komodo dragon.

And I'm gonna ride on its back

out of here.

I want to get one of the Olsen twins

down here

and I want a ring.

And I'm gonna make her my bride.

Which twin?

The good-dressed one

or the funky-vintage-cool,

hip chick?

I know you.

You were a child.

Your father... he's a hero.

I am safe!

- I have a...

- (megaphone squeaking)

I have a bean-and-cheese burrito

and a Greyhound bus.

Yeah? Horseshit.

(c*cks gun)

- (gunshot)

- (crowd screaming)

No.

No! No!

Those were just words, guys.

Everything I've ever done

has ended in failure.

I don't know why I thought

this would be any different.

I'm sorry.

Rebecca:
Oh, hey hey hey.

What? I'm a little nervous.

This helps me relax.

What, is this Gitmo or something?

Are you gonna waterboard me?

(spits)

I gave you the benefit of the doubt,

don't know why.

All right, Billings, you win.

What?

What, is that the best

you can do, Tom?

Just give me the girl

and we'll walk away.

You're born and bred

for this kind of situation.

The least you could do is offer me

a burrito and a bus ticket.

Oh.

You've been a bad boy, Tommy.

You know what happens

to bad boys.

They get detention.

They get detent...

- They get detention.

- They get detention.

They get detention.

They get

detention.

Okay, we get it.

Thank you both.

Okay.

They get detention.

Don't say that again.

- They get detention.

- He's right, they get detention.

They get detention.

Shut up! Shut up!

Shut your fat mouth!

They get detention.

(both screaming)

You guys won't get away with this!

- We already did, Tommy.

- Yeah, we already did, Tommy.

(bell rings)

Hey, how long till more coconuts?

Thank you.

Can I sit here?

Sure.

Beef stroganoff looks good.

Ugh.

Frankie, this is ridiculous.

Come back to me.

Come on home to mama.

My nights are so lonely.

Maybe you should have

thought of that

before you went poking around

in Bartlett's pup tent.

It was only numbers, Frankie.

You still love me?

That's the thing, Carlotta,

I still love you as much

as I've ever loved an eight-year-old.

I'm in for a life of hurt with you,

I just know it,

but that's a hurt I need

like a cowboy craves coffee

and sunsets.

(sighs)

Sorry, kids, not red balls today.

Do you really still have

that click in your knees?

(clicks)

You know,

I don't understand, Tom.

Vice principal

of an elementary school?

You always wanted to follow

in your dad's footsteps.

I did.

I did follow him.

And a man is dead because of it.

He's not dead.

The bullet grazed his scalp. He's fine.

Well, he's dead to me.

Well, no one ever blamed you for it.

You're the only one

that cares anymore.

I'm a failed hostage negotiator

that just got kidnapped twice.

- (can hisses)

- I'm washed up, Rebecca.

I've been washed up

my whole life.

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